I Don't Know What To Do

Me, my fiance (J), and our 5 month old daughter went to my fiance's ten year high school reunion. Minutes after we got there, this trashy (and I mean seriously trashy---harsh makeup, tonnes of jewelry, a see-through top) woman yells out his name and comes running over and throws her arms around his neck  and basically dangles off of him (please note we are nearly 30 years old, and this behaviour is bizarre). They talk for a few minutes and I assume she's a highschool friend of his, but my fiance didn't even both to introduce me or his own daughter for that matter, until I piped in. This woman looks me up and down, and continues to act like I don't even exist, so I say I'm taking the baby outside for some fresh air.

As I sat out side I just felt more and more angry, and by the time J came out to meet me I was crying. When he asked what was wrong, I blew up at him (which I never do, but I could just sense something weird about the situation). He apologized and said she was an old friend and since he knew she wasn't seeing anyone/had no kids/whatever, he didn't want to jump into that with her immediately. I told him I didn't care if they were friends, that her behavior was inappropriate, and that he'd be annoyed if I let someone do that do me. He agreed and we talked it out a little more, then went back inside.

However, my night was pretty much ruined, and the baby was getting tired, so an hour or so later I got his friend Brian (also went to high school with J, but has remained friends with him and is now a friend of mine as well) back to his parents place. About 2 am, I awoke to the sound of Brian, J's sister Marney and his mother talking in kitchen. I just KNEW right then that he'd cheated on me with that girl. I don't know how, but I knew.

I went to the kitchen and sort of lost my mind. I don't usually act like that, but I was just hysterical. When Brian wouldn't say anything, I asked his sister (who is good friends with me) to drive me to that girls place while J's mom watched the baby. No one wanted to take me and no one would tell me anything, so I just sat at the table crying while they tried to get in contact with him. There wasn't even anywhere I could go, because I don't know anyone in his home town other than his family, so I had to just sit there in his childhood home while I knew he was out with some woman.

About 40 minutes later, he showed up to find his entire family out of bed. He went ran downstairs and freaked out, then went to sleep or something. No one really said anything. I stayed awake all night, and his sister and mom stayed up with me. The next day I took our daughter and went home before he got up.

It feels like this all happened so long ago, but it's actually only been four days now. We haven't spoke since then. His sister and mother have both called saying he's staying with them and that he really upset and that they want me to call him. He cries all day and he's barely eating. His mother says she knows he really loves me and our daughter and that he clearly regrets what happened. But I'm still too angry to call him. If he wants to apologize, he can come home and apologize.

The thing is (and I know probably everyone says this) up until now he's been great. I asked Brian if this has ever happened before, and he said it hasn't. But I'm not only mad for myself. I feel like he cheated on our family, FOR NO REASON. We were genuinely happy--all his friends and family say they've never seen him as happy as he is with me. We have regular sex, we still go on dates, we volunteer together, and play sports together---we're best friends. He loves our daughter! His office is covered in her photos, and he's always looking for ways to take an active role parenting in her life.

I've talked to a couple of his friends, and they all say it was because J feels like I'm too good for him, and was worried I would change my mind about the wedding. I always have men chasing after me (which, for the record, I IGNORE). J gets insecure about it, and that maybe J felt like getting attention from this high school friend of his made him feel like we were equals.

I don't know. I don't know why he did it. And I want to forgive him, but I don't feel like he deserves it. I feel like a ****** mother because for the past 4 days I've been totally self centered and sometimes just put her in her crib so that I can go into another room and cry. I don't even know why I'm feeling this upset. I know I love him and I've already decided to forgive him, but I can't get over how hurt I feel.

I just want advice. Or words of encouragement.
eyesonme eyesonme
3 Responses Apr 20, 2012

He made the mistake let him come to you he cheated therefore he needs to apologize if your gonna forgive then let him ask for forgiveness I know it hurts trust me but if he really cares then let him show you he cares , when men hurt, they hurt but that shouldn't stop him to show how much he cares. Your hurting a well but give your self time to heal, take the time to gather your thoughts, so your not to upset to talk.I hope everything works out for the better he seems like a good person I hope you to can work it out and God bless.

I'm in the same boat.<br />
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I found out my wife has cheated on me for nearly a year 6 times with 3 other men. I found through my 2 best freinds, kinda like an intervention.<br />
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We have a 3.5 year old daughter. The first week or so i wanted to have nothing to do with her, but we weren't arguing. It sort explained why everytrhing was so weird over the past 12 months. <br />
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Anyway I have a plan to get the house ready to sell and see what happens over the next few months. The only reason I am sticking around at the moment is so I will still live with my daughter. Otherwise my mind would be made up and I would leave.<br />
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Just don't little people belittle the event by giving reasons / excuses. As soon as they do just stop them. There is no excuse. <br />
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Its like she did what she did got caught no thinks she can come back and we can work it out (having your cake and eating too). If someone want to cheat they should just leave their partner. <br />
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All the best, look after yourself and your daughter.

Dear eyesonme,<br />
Heck yes your hurt,and with good reason too. Four days ago. Wow. If you truly love him and you believe he loves you, then get him back where he belongs. With you and don't wait another day. Do it today. Time will heal the wounds.