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How Do You Get Over The Hurt?

My husband and I have been married for 19 years. I found out 3 months ago that he was cheating on me. I decided to stay, but I am having the hardest time. He is sorry for what he did to me and has cut all ties with the other woman. I just can't seem to get over it. I try, but nothing works. I can't sleep. Laying down at night is the hardest part. EVERYTHING I have found out runs thru my head. I cry myself to sleep almost every night. I love him with all my heart, but I don't know if I can keep living like this. I feel like a fake everyday when I put a smile on and act like everything is fine. Does anyone know how you get past the hurt they have caused? I always thought he was the one man who would never hurt me and now I know the truth. He has hurt me more than anyone ever has. I feel like I will never be happy again. I am too hurt and ashamed to tell anyone what he has done, so I have no one to talk to. I thought after 3 months things would be better, but I almost think at times I feel worse.
wcooksey wcooksey 36-40 60 Responses May 29, 2012

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It's been quite awhile since I wrote this message. Since then things have changed for the better. I left my husband after 20 years and got a divorce. I have met a wonderful man who I love very much. My life is 100 times better and everything worked out for the best. So for anyone going thru what I went thru. Follow your heart and do what is best for you. I can honestly say I tried to save my marriage. After catching him yet again I had to leave. That was the right answer for me. Yes I was scared and to top it off I lost my job a couple of months after I left. So I truly had to start all over. Best part is ... Everything was fine and I made it. I did not rush to date or meet anyone. In fact the man I'm with is the only guy I have gone out with. He treats me great and I'm very happy. Life can turn upside down on you but it doesn't last forever. Tough times never last ... Tough people do. <3

Me and my boyfriend have been together for two and a half years. During the first six months I found out from another girl that he had been with her a lot and don't many things behind my back with her. I confronted him and he continues to lie about it until I got evidence on his phone of her and he finally fessed up with some of the truth he never would agree to everything being true... That was six months ago... Since then every single day I would tell him "don't lie it's okay to tell the truth even if it's bad I just can't take the stress of you doing it behind my back" every single day I told him that. Every single day he would tell me, no I never do that, no I don't even talk to anyone, no no no. Every single day he deleted everything, lied to my face, and broke hundreds of promises. It is impossible to trust him. It is impossible to believe him, it hurts to know how much he had lied to me... How it never phased him and still doesn't. It just seems so heartless and now I'm so broken and I don't know how I could ever trust anyone ever again. The extent of his lies are unbelievable I have never heard a case as far as this before

First of all I just want to say how sorry I am for what you are going through. I went through a similar experience, my boyfriend for over a year, who is now my ex cheated on me during our whole time together. He cheated on me with his ex lover and girl's he had met online. It broke my heart finding out, and even now the pain is still there, every day, every minute with him was walking on egg shells, he gave my love to other women. I know every single emotion you are feeling, you are hurting, confused and broken beyond words. Each time I confronted him, he would lie to my face and start making me feel bad, when I would cry he would do nothing, I even found pics of his lover and the emails he was getting from dating websites. He was more than two-timing me, he was a serial cheater. I loved this man beyond words, I went against my family and friends when I started dating him and he replied my love with cheating and abusing my trust. I told him, to never abuse love, there is only so much a person can stand. He pushed me to the last straw, when he gloated about his cheating (finally after asking him), these were his exact words 'I am going to f*** my ex gf'. The minute he said, that I dumped him. There is only so much a person can bear. I was heartbroken and bitter with him, life and everything in it. I hated him with a passion and went into depression, I could not sleep, eat or think, my life felt like a bad nightmare, the man I once loved and gave my heart, kindness and soul had betrayed me to that level. After ending the relationship, I struggled to get myself up, I would spend days crying and being hurt. Even now, the pain is still there, but through great family and friends I am learning to love again :). There is life after pain, and you know what karma always delivers justice, my ex lost his job, car and he lost weight :). I sound bad lol but I am glad because he put me through hell, I have now moved on and I am blessed with a lovely, honest and kind man :), but I had to learn to love again and move on, it took me time, even now I am working on it :), I am doing hobbies and interests I love, I joined zumba, volunteering, book club, after the break up just to get myself. I even started praying and being optimistic, I realized he was the problem and not me, it was never me, it was him,. He cheated because he wanted to, he had a choice and he chose to cheat. Now I smile because I am loved by a great guy, and my ex is suffering moving from one to the next, to the next and yet he is miserable. Trust me, it hurts now but give yourself time :), and know this be with someone who makes you their priority and not an option :). GOOD LUCK AND KEEP YOUR HEAD UP :)

It's only been 42 days since I found out my girlfriend of 7 yrs cheated and it feels like yesterday. Everyday feels like the day you found out. The pain I've experienced trying to stay with her and the kids is overwhelming. Cry in the morning, night, and afternoon. How will I ever trust her? I think she is with him now, while I'm at work for our family

My heart goes out to all of you!
I found out on our 9th anniversary after an intense night of passion with my wife that she had been cheating with a so called good close friend of ours. They had been lying to me for over six months but even though I knew there wAs something not quite right, I never expected the slap in the face from the woman I adore and cherish. After four months of her trying to tell me she only wants me, she still lies to me and lies to cover lies. The story keeps changing and I cannot stop thinking the worst of her. I don't know if we will ever b the same but we have three awesome kids that love us both and I can't abandon them for my own pursuit of happiness. Right now I want to hate my wife but I just love her too much and I can't seem to stop 😪

I'm 5 months post DDay and it still hurts and this was after a ONS not an extended affair. From what I have read, it can take 2-3 years. I still question if this is something that can be forgiven.

Im living that same nightmare. I renember telling coworkers my husband loved me so much no woman would catch his eye... Stupid! Hes lied, cheated, without me even suspecting, for 8 yrs... Im not stupid, how could i have been so blind?

All the red flags i pushed aside all yhe inconsistencies i ignored all the duh! Moments! Thats whats so hard... Realising you dont know ths person, and then youve been so wrong.

I know how you feel

Let me tell you what and this is going to hurt but once a cheater always a cheater.. Married for 30 years and after 30 years i still have one that cheats on me... So i think i am at the end and will get out of here.. I tried to cheat for revenge a few years ago and it does not work if you have any values at all in your heart.. So do not go there just get out and find someone that will never cheat nor lie to you. I have about come to the conclusion that women can not be trusted altho i know in your case it is men but there are still a few that can be trusted i guess.
Get out now because it will happen again and again... I know i have been there..

I just wanted to let you know .... It did happen again and I did get out. You were so right. I'm divorced now and with a wonderful man. For all the BS I put up with ... I'm living a great life now. I hope you are doing just as well.

Not true not everyone who cheats is going to cheat again. some people actually feel like a complete piece of **** and they feel bad for as long as they can remember cuase they'll always know what they did wrong an how much they hurt the one they love the most. but some poeple are just sick evil people who don't care.

I am so there with you. My husband cheated on me with my baby sister! Its such a complicated mess. I'm fine for a while but it keeps returning like a nightmare!

It does! I think hey its ok then ill see something pr find a phone number or hes late and bam there ya go

I don't know ehether you read my stroy - but I know exaytly how you feel, and in this point in time it is more than normwal to feel like this. But throught the time situation will change, one way or another. I had been in such triangel for 1,5 years, and this was the worse time of my life. Still I was not the one who gave up, I was just too frighteen to do that. And now, suprisingly, I'm just fine - I have new life and I'm satisfied with it. But yes, it still sometimess somes back to me, feelings of losing that was important to me for 20 years.

So, take care, I konw it hurts like heel, but belive me, slowly it will go away. In a strange way I even got the feeling that all this pain made me stronger and to certain degree I'm even proud of myself.

Take care.

Thanks for sharing. My wife of 23 years cheated on me with multiple men. Some through text (sexting) and one of them meeting for sex 2 times. It's been a year now. She was so remorseful and broken over the whole thing. I had to forgive her because I love her. I put her on a pedestal. Well, that has been shattered. It does get easier and I am learning to trust again but I still have bad days where I get very angry. Anyway, I have walked through this whole thing alone with no one to talk to. That's why I joined this site.... To be able to connect and hear of others in the same situations. I walked around numb for 6 month or more.... Still learning to trust....

I feel your pain!!! I am 4 and a half months pregnant and I just found out my husband of 10 years has been having an affair with a co worker for the past two months. I think the timing couldn't be worse i want to fight smoke a cigarette and have a stiff drink and because I'm preggers I can't do either one of those things. I feel like I'm living in a nightmare and I can't wake up from it!! To top it off I found all this out on valentines day which was only 3weeks away from our tenth anniversary. I love my husband to death and I truly believe he's sorry but I just don't know what to do with all the anger hurt and disappointment.

I had to respond to you. I'm 3 months pregnant and my husband of 11 years cheated on me 3 different occasions. The last one was only a week ago and with a colleague. I feel like drinking bottles of wine and hoping that would make me sleep. We have done so many things together and I thought we truly loved each other. Now he is so depressed as he might lose me. If I was not pregnant, I would leave him but a baby is on the way and I'm not so sure. I won't be able to trust him again, that's for sure.

I can say I've been on both sides of this situation. I've cheated and been cheated on and I'm not talking about 5 month relationships they were 10 years and 5 years and I can say that when I cheated I didn't wake up one day and say oh I guess today I'm gonna screw over my husband an go mess around. It was never that simple an it certainly was never that easy. I had spent years with 0 physical contact and he thought by us just being married meant if I didn't like something then I should just sit there and deal with it cause I was married. Wrong. Nobody and I mean nobody that has an option is gonna b treated like that and they shouldn't have to and that's why people sometimes cheat ( it doesn't make it right it just might explain it a little bit) now on the other hand I was also cheated on and it took my breath away and I stil hurt from it and I realized that I had taken advantage of my relationship. I had assumed he would always b there and I could treat him anyway I wanted cause I didn't treat him the way I once did. I wasn't as nice and I didn't want to have sex like we did when we first met and I was always busy or grumpy or had something to do and I can't tell u the last time I asked him how he felt and truly cared or the last time I thought of his needs and just his. I believe these are a lot of the reasons he found someone else and the same reasons I had found someone else, I'm not saying that this goes for anyone else but I stop an think about what I thought my relationship was and I realized that what I thought it was and what he thought it was were 2 different things and blaming him or me wasn't gonna change anything. The only thing to do was to make sure that I try to do things better the next time around and I hope all of u out there find happiness and a way to b happy even though uve had hard times

My husband and I have been together for 17 years and this came as a complete shock to me.
I am YOU only 3 years out. I want to say things get better but that really depends on the how much your partner wants to help you heal. My husband doesn't seem to get it. I've explained on a kindergarten level how trust is earned but, well.......anyway. If your partner doesn't have sincerity when they talk about it or doesn't really feel your pain, they probably never will. If they really want to get to the bottom of why they hurt you and are willing to change their everyday behavior to earn your trust back maybe there's hope.
Just know that I'm just like you. I've cried my eyes out alone many nights wondering how this happened. I've been sitting on the toilet and thought "Oh my God, this really happened to me". I've wondered just how much I'm willing to take for my child. I've wondered if he ever "really" loved me.
I figure, in the end, I'll know when enoughs enough or I'm in it for the long haul. It's a threshold only each individual will know they've reached. And only you can decide if staying is what's best for you.
I only wish the best for you. I know this sucks beyond belief. But, just remember, YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

My ex ran off with my best friend. Getting over that was extremely hard. I will not forgive him but I did forgive my friend. It's not the same, but we talk weekly usually. That took 3 years to achieve.

I understand I just found out my husband cheated on me to we have been toghether for 10 years and his mistress hung out with me and around my children so disgusting. I forgave him but its hard to get the thoughts out of your head. Im sorry this happened to you it a horrible feeling.

W

Your story mirrors my own. My husband of 23 years cheated on me for three years before I found out. We've spent the past year trying to work through the anger, pain, fear, anxiety, and anguish. I also have no one to talk to about what happened. I didn't in march of 2012 when I found out and I still don't. I see by the date of the post that its been a year for you too. I still struggle with my pain every day - I have a feeling that I always will. If you're like me, you're not quite ready to leave but you know deep in your heart that you'll never, ever trust him again. You can't afford to let yourself be that emotionally vulnerable again. He's ruined it for everyone - himself and for anyone you may become involved with if you choose to start over.

I hope this post finds you well. Good luck to us all.

I do not think time will heal you, unless you do the work and work out the issues. Does he know you feel this way? You need to speak to someone. And with that I mean, a therapist, church pastor, your husband or anyone who you trust and can express your feelings to. It is a very hard experience, but unless you sort your feelings, it will never pass. He failed, why should you be trapped in a mental hell, while he is at peace?. I wish you luck. I know it is a roller coaster.

Unfortunately there are only 2 true options: You accept it and stay with him, or you move on and try to heal yourself. It appears as though you have already answered this yourself.

All the best to you. I have been in the same situation, I was the cheatie, too!

I just dont see how some people could be so selfish. When you get married you cant just think about you and your feelings. You have to think about how your actions effect other people. You have to begin with the end in mind and stop thinking about the moment. If more people thought about the end result I believe less people would cheat. I have shed so many tears as a result of someone elses indiscretions. Now I am expected to move on swallow my pride and be right by his side. It is so unfair. I have to consider everyone who is involved but he did not when he did his dirt with that woman. Someone say a prayer for me Im having a hard time.

I really think you need therapy. It helped me tremedously. I will still attend, so I may sort out all my issues. This is a hard situation to go through.My advise is that You need to dig inside and determine what is what you really want to do. Life is too short, to be in constant pain. the past cannot be changed, but maybe the future can be better. You are a victim for as long as you chose to be.

I have just went through the same thing. I have been with my husband for 18 years and married for 8. We have 4 beautiful children and alot of wonderful years together until recently. I found out 4 days before Christmas that my husband had been cheating with a co-worker. He claims to only have slept with her once but he carried on a inappropriate relationship for about a year. They would email, text and talk on the phone inappropriately. He said he broke it off because he did not ever want me to find out. But I did and now I feel like Im dying slowly each day. I am sick when I think about him being with her. I thought things were really good between us. We were always so in love so I thought. Now all he can say is that temptation got the best of him and he is sorry. He clams it wont happen again but I dont believe him. He begs me to give him a chance to prove himself. I really need some feedback, I dont break up my family but when he tries to kiss or touch me I get sick to my stomache knowing he kissed her. I so sad all of the time and I cry everyday. I love him so much but I am so hurt and disgusted. He says she meant nothing and it was just a sexual encounter. No love with no feelings... I feel like if he loved and adored me as much as he professes he would not have let this happen. I am so consumed by it l that I cant remember stop thinking about it. I need help.

omg! You totally just explained my feelings. I had a doting husband who, to the outside world, worshiped me. I can't stand to see him It sickens me if he touches me. We also have 4 kids, and I can't stand to see them hurt. Not to mention my religious beliefs

Just today i found out that my husband of 16years had been going to stripclubs and spending thousands of rands on escorts for the past 15years i always knew i guess but never wanted to fully deal with it i was that teenager married at 20 with a baby and alot of baggage but stayed even though he didn't come home most the time i sacrificed so he could further his studies and climb the ladder.I googled these clubs for the first time today i am devastated im so hurt i find that i can't sleep tonight we have always had issues of cheating he cheated three times on me some were my family members but i believed the lies every time and so much wanted to believe he loves me because we met when i was just 16years old now know better.I have three kids and have decided to stay for their comfort also i have never worked and am struggling now to get a job if i only had an income i think things would have been easier for me but Issiah 49vr 23 keeps me going i feel like all i have left is God and in him i put my faith.Afterall in Job 34vrs 18 God promises that no one who waits for his help will be dissapointed.

I'm doing my best to deal . We have Been together 22 years. We have traveled a hard road. Took a while to get it out of what was going on. Still I know he has more lies hiding in that head of his. I talked to her too. She claimed they were only friends. But in the next breath she proclaimed love for him. She even tried to down play it.4231 text messages in one month. Phone calls for hours on end while I was at work. She works formthe same company,different state. they will end up losing theirnjobsmifmit is ever found out.He says he cut ties. I have found an email account with exchanges between them.it has since been changed. He also changed his pass close on his tablet.m At night I am up pacing, snooping and just so sad. I know I can't stay. It hurts so much. My kids know something is happening. How do you tell them that the man who they worship is a liar and cheater? This all just happend on new year's. she drove here from Illinois. About 3 days to get here. I thought at first it was an emotional affair and it will fizzle. He swears he wants to work it out and fix this. I know it can't happen if there is lies and secrecy.

It's nearly been a year since I found out and to be honest it doesn't get any better for me, still think about it daily!

First few weeks the only thing that has worked for me is repression of the details and lots of alcohol. Yes, I know that sounds counter-productive, and I am also a psychologist, but sometimes the only thing to dull the pain (and to stop your thoughts!!) is a good dose of denial momentarily to keep yourself from hurting someone, and drinking (because there was NO way I could sleep after I found out, or eat!). It has been almost a month for me...my anger is less, haven't cried in a few weeks and we're working on it. Every now and again I still have the urge to punch him in the crotch however :)

this is how I felt the first 2 weeks.
And yeah, I want to kick his *** too. I have had some happy moments after that. Somehow, now we are talking, making each other aware of our feelings, and the pressure is gone. But, in the back of my mind, I wonder if i will be able to live with this long term. And the details from the affair just make me sick.

My story is bit different - but still you might want to read it. 3 yars ago I would be pleased to be in your choes. For me that would be easier option, at least from that perspective. And it needs time to heal - years and years.....

It truly hurts, and in time you will heal, I know I've been there, there is someone who can truly help you heal, have peace and joy again in your life, and thats GOD he loves us and is always there to lift us up in these moments. I know its hard if you decide to stay with your spouse and you cant to it alone, so everyday, every moment talk to GOD he knows what we are going threw and knows how much we can handle, he is our everything , he loves us and wants us to be happy.the lord has a plan for each and every one of us. Most of all pray for your cheating spouse , ask GOD to touch his heart ,pray for his salvation leave him in GODS hands. JUST REMEMBER GOD IS YOUR LOVE , YOUR FRIEND, AND HE NEVER STOPS LOVING US, AND IS ALWAYS THERE WHEN WE NEED HIM. GOD BLESS MY PRAYERS ARE WITH YOU.

I too am in a similar situation and I have tried to put anger behind me and try to get our marriage back to a better place. I still spend my life being suspicious of everything she does and I have driven my self insane over it. I just can't leave right now.
I have want to cheat with someone to get back at her, but then what!!
Trying to get past it is the hardest thing. hang in there!1

My husband cheated, moved her into one of our properties, cleaned out our savings account and now wants the children to visit. I don't know how to move on. I can't make it to a red light without crying. This has consumed me. There is no way to leave it behind. My heart is broken, it doesn't feel like it will ever heal.

my husband must be his twin, he keeps swearing he never touched her, she is lying but yet once again i found her number saved in his phone under someone elses name. yes it is not right for me to go through his phone but how will i ever know what is going on? i feel so stupid. i have been crying over this same affair for over 6 years now and i just dont trust him, i feel so stupid...............