How Do You Get Over The Hurt?

Thanks for sharing. My wife of 23 years cheated on me with multiple men. Some through text (sexting) and one of them meeting for sex 2 times. It's been a year now. She was so remorseful and broken over the whole thing. I had to forgive her because I love her. I put her on a pedestal. Well, that has been shattered. It does get easier and I am learning to trust again but I still have bad days where I get very angry. Anyway, I have walked through this whole thing alone with no one to talk to. That's why I joined this site.... To be able to connect and hear of others in the same situations. I walked around numb for 6 month or more.... Still learning to trust....

I feel your pain!!! I am 4 and a half months pregnant and I just found out my husband of 10 years has been having an affair with a co worker for the past two months. I think the timing couldn't be worse i want to fight smoke a cigarette and have a stiff drink and because I'm preggers I can't do either one of those things. I feel like I'm living in a nightmare and I can't wake up from it!! To top it off I found all this out on valentines day which was only 3weeks away from our tenth anniversary. I love my husband to death and I truly believe he's sorry but I just don't know what to do with all the anger hurt and disappointment.

I can say I've been on both sides of this situation. I've cheated and been cheated on and I'm not talking about 5 month relationships they were 10 years and 5 years and I can say that when I cheated I didn't wake up one day and say oh I guess today I'm gonna screw over my husband an go mess around. It was never that simple an it certainly was never that easy. I had spent years with 0 physical contact and he thought by us just being married meant if I didn't like something then I should just sit there and deal with it cause I was married. Wrong. Nobody and I mean nobody that has an option is gonna b treated like that and they shouldn't have to and that's why people sometimes cheat ( it doesn't make it right it just might explain it a little bit) now on the other hand I was also cheated on and it took my breath away and I stil hurt from it and I realized that I had taken advantage of my relationship. I had assumed he would always b there and I could treat him anyway I wanted cause I didn't treat him the way I once did. I wasn't as nice and I didn't want to have sex like we did when we first met and I was always busy or grumpy or had something to do and I can't tell u the last time I asked him how he felt and truly cared or the last time I thought of his needs and just his. I believe these are a lot of the reasons he found someone else and the same reasons I had found someone else, I'm not saying that this goes for anyone else but I stop an think about what I thought my relationship was and I realized that what I thought it was and what he thought it was were 2 different things and blaming him or me wasn't gonna change anything. The only thing to do was to make sure that I try to do things better the next time around and I hope all of u out there find happiness and a way to b happy even though uve had hard times

My husband and I have been together for 17 years and this came as a complete shock to me.
I am YOU only 3 years out. I want to say things get better but that really depends on the how much your partner wants to help you heal. My husband doesn't seem to get it. I've explained on a kindergarten level how trust is earned but, well.......anyway. If your partner doesn't have sincerity when they talk about it or doesn't really feel your pain, they probably never will. If they really want to get to the bottom of why they hurt you and are willing to change their everyday behavior to earn your trust back maybe there's hope.
Just know that I'm just like you. I've cried my eyes out alone many nights wondering how this happened. I've been sitting on the toilet and thought "Oh my God, this really happened to me". I've wondered just how much I'm willing to take for my child. I've wondered if he ever "really" loved me.
I figure, in the end, I'll know when enoughs enough or I'm in it for the long haul. It's a threshold only each individual will know they've reached. And only you can decide if staying is what's best for you.
I only wish the best for you. I know this sucks beyond belief. But, just remember, YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

My ex ran off with my best friend. Getting over that was extremely hard. I will not forgive him but I did forgive my friend. It's not the same, but we talk weekly usually. That took 3 years to achieve.

I understand I just found out my husband cheated on me to we have been toghether for 10 years and his mistress hung out with me and around my children so disgusting. I forgave him but its hard to get the thoughts out of your head. Im sorry this happened to you it a horrible feeling.

W

Your story mirrors my own. My husband of 23 years cheated on me for three years before I found out. We've spent the past year trying to work through the anger, pain, fear, anxiety, and anguish. I also have no one to talk to about what happened. I didn't in march of 2012 when I found out and I still don't. I see by the date of the post that its been a year for you too. I still struggle with my pain every day - I have a feeling that I always will. If you're like me, you're not quite ready to leave but you know deep in your heart that you'll never, ever trust him again. You can't afford to let yourself be that emotionally vulnerable again. He's ruined it for everyone - himself and for anyone you may become involved with if you choose to start over.

I hope this post finds you well. Good luck to us all.

I do not think time will heal you, unless you do the work and work out the issues. Does he know you feel this way? You need to speak to someone. And with that I mean, a therapist, church pastor, your husband or anyone who you trust and can express your feelings to. It is a very hard experience, but unless you sort your feelings, it will never pass. He failed, why should you be trapped in a mental hell, while he is at peace?. I wish you luck. I know it is a roller coaster.

Unfortunately there are only 2 true options: You accept it and stay with him, or you move on and try to heal yourself. It appears as though you have already answered this yourself.

All the best to you. I have been in the same situation, I was the cheatie, too!

I just dont see how some people could be so selfish. When you get married you cant just think about you and your feelings. You have to think about how your actions effect other people. You have to begin with the end in mind and stop thinking about the moment. If more people thought about the end result I believe less people would cheat. I have shed so many tears as a result of someone elses indiscretions. Now I am expected to move on swallow my pride and be right by his side. It is so unfair. I have to consider everyone who is involved but he did not when he did his dirt with that woman. Someone say a prayer for me Im having a hard time.

I have just went through the same thing. I have been with my husband for 18 years and married for 8. We have 4 beautiful children and alot of wonderful years together until recently. I found out 4 days before Christmas that my husband had been cheating with a co-worker. He claims to only have slept with her once but he carried on a inappropriate relationship for about a year. They would email, text and talk on the phone inappropriately. He said he broke it off because he did not ever want me to find out. But I did and now I feel like Im dying slowly each day. I am sick when I think about him being with her. I thought things were really good between us. We were always so in love so I thought. Now all he can say is that temptation got the best of him and he is sorry. He clams it wont happen again but I dont believe him. He begs me to give him a chance to prove himself. I really need some feedback, I dont break up my family but when he tries to kiss or touch me I get sick to my stomache knowing he kissed her. I so sad all of the time and I cry everyday. I love him so much but I am so hurt and disgusted. He says she meant nothing and it was just a sexual encounter. No love with no feelings... I feel like if he loved and adored me as much as he professes he would not have let this happen. I am so consumed by it l that I cant remember stop thinking about it. I need help.

I never got over the hurt of my ex wife cheating on me. It was the most spiteful and horrible thing anyone has ever done to me and even though it is over 2 years now and it's been a year and a half since I filed for divorce and left, I am still very hurt.

I have problems starting or maintaining new relationships, my relationship with my ex is one of complete and utter hatred on my part and I totally despise her.

I know they say time heals all wounds but I'm still struggling 2 years later. I wish you the best of luck.

Just today i found out that my husband of 16years had been going to stripclubs and spending thousands of rands on escorts for the past 15years i always knew i guess but never wanted to fully deal with it i was that teenager married at 20 with a baby and alot of baggage but stayed even though he didn't come home most the time i sacrificed so he could further his studies and climb the ladder.I googled these clubs for the first time today i am devastated im so hurt i find that i can't sleep tonight we have always had issues of cheating he cheated three times on me some were my family members but i believed the lies every time and so much wanted to believe he loves me because we met when i was just 16years old now know better.I have three kids and have decided to stay for their comfort also i have never worked and am struggling now to get a job if i only had an income i think things would have been easier for me but Issiah 49vr 23 keeps me going i feel like all i have left is God and in him i put my faith.Afterall in Job 34vrs 18 God promises that no one who waits for his help will be dissapointed.

I'm doing my best to deal . We have Been together 22 years. We have traveled a hard road. Took a while to get it out of what was going on. Still I know he has more lies hiding in that head of his. I talked to her too. She claimed they were only friends. But in the next breath she proclaimed love for him. She even tried to down play it.4231 text messages in one month. Phone calls for hours on end while I was at work. She works formthe same company,different state. they will end up losing theirnjobsmifmit is ever found out.He says he cut ties. I have found an email account with exchanges between them.it has since been changed. He also changed his pass close on his tablet.m At night I am up pacing, snooping and just so sad. I know I can't stay. It hurts so much. My kids know something is happening. How do you tell them that the man who they worship is a liar and cheater? This all just happend on new year's. she drove here from Illinois. About 3 days to get here. I thought at first it was an emotional affair and it will fizzle. He swears he wants to work it out and fix this. I know it can't happen if there is lies and secrecy.

It's nearly been a year since I found out and to be honest it doesn't get any better for me, still think about it daily!

First few weeks the only thing that has worked for me is repression of the details and lots of alcohol. Yes, I know that sounds counter-productive, and I am also a psychologist, but sometimes the only thing to dull the pain (and to stop your thoughts!!) is a good dose of denial momentarily to keep yourself from hurting someone, and drinking (because there was NO way I could sleep after I found out, or eat!). It has been almost a month for me...my anger is less, haven't cried in a few weeks and we're working on it. Every now and again I still have the urge to punch him in the crotch however :)

My story is bit different - but still you might want to read it. 3 yars ago I would be pleased to be in your choes. For me that would be easier option, at least from that perspective. And it needs time to heal - years and years.....

It truly hurts, and in time you will heal, I know I've been there, there is someone who can truly help you heal, have peace and joy again in your life, and thats GOD he loves us and is always there to lift us up in these moments. I know its hard if you decide to stay with your spouse and you cant to it alone, so everyday, every moment talk to GOD he knows what we are going threw and knows how much we can handle, he is our everything , he loves us and wants us to be happy.the lord has a plan for each and every one of us. Most of all pray for your cheating spouse , ask GOD to touch his heart ,pray for his salvation leave him in GODS hands. JUST REMEMBER GOD IS YOUR LOVE , YOUR FRIEND, AND HE NEVER STOPS LOVING US, AND IS ALWAYS THERE WHEN WE NEED HIM. GOD BLESS MY PRAYERS ARE WITH YOU.

I too am in a similar situation and I have tried to put anger behind me and try to get our marriage back to a better place. I still spend my life being suspicious of everything she does and I have driven my self insane over it. I just can't leave right now.
I have want to cheat with someone to get back at her, but then what!!
Trying to get past it is the hardest thing. hang in there!1

My husband cheated, moved her into one of our properties, cleaned out our savings account and now wants the children to visit. I don't know how to move on. I can't make it to a red light without crying. This has consumed me. There is no way to leave it behind. My heart is broken, it doesn't feel like it will ever heal.

my husband must be his twin, he keeps swearing he never touched her, she is lying but yet once again i found her number saved in his phone under someone elses name. yes it is not right for me to go through his phone but how will i ever know what is going on? i feel so stupid. i have been crying over this same affair for over 6 years now and i just dont trust him, i feel so stupid...............

hello, well i cheated on my boyfriend of 10 years in febuary 2012. for the first time ever. Guess i have no reason, just kinda gave in. I was asked if i slept with this person by my bf and i answered honestly (thats just how we work). He was mad but then told me that he slept with 14 other women for a peroid of 3 years, but it ended in 2009 when he reolized he was done f***ing around and wanted the real thing. Im going to skip the details but i dont regret what i did. In a wierd twisted way he was honest to me and brought us together closer even though im acting in the same ways u r with the coping and the hurt. The problem for me is that he slept with my fathers girlfriend multiple times, and i cannot go to my dads without feeling awkward. My dads gf has no idea i know. I lived there for a few months recently and said f*** this and moved to my mothers. We r still together but financially barely keeping our heads above water. thankfull my mom allowed us to come but i would rather b at my dads, thats not ganna happen. Anyway, i can forgive him for hurting me but not the action. Atleast not with her. I luv him to death but its been 7 months and its better but still so damn depressing. I think we will try living apart and playing the rol of bf and gf with dating one another for a month n c how that helps with healing and time alone to relfect on what we really want. Ive read the books, blogs, websites on how to forgive n move on, and it seems like ive done all they say to do accept this new bf, gf starting over slowly thing. If we love each other, well try it and see if the spark comes back alive. Sure im know my pain will never totally subside, but it can get weaker and my "wall" has to come down, just slowly. even if things dont work out, the "wall" has to come down. The hurt will never never never go away, but will weaken and become part of the grey in your mind popping up every seldom to remind you that it didnt go away totally. things will get better, but the wall needs to come down. mines been up for years and it so strong i havne a clue if this ***** is even "takedownable". IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT, YOUR #1, YOUR SMART AND BEAUTIFUL, AND ALWAYS BETTER THAN THE OTHERS. NEVER STOP TELLING YOURSELF THAT, EVER. YOU GOT IT AND YOU KNOW IT. KEEP THAT PRETTY LITTLE CHIN UP.

Your situation is so similar to mine. I found out after 12 years my husband has been having an affair with a family friend. I didnt keep it to myself I told everyone as I wanted to humiliate him and hurt him. I thought I could just chuck him out but I found I couldn't (we have children). He has cut all ties with the woman too and says he will never do anything again but like you I cry every day, dont trust him and also feel I will never be happy again. I was always one to say if ever i was cheated on that would be it, but its so hard. I never thought he was the type to do it and I feel like I have lost my best friend.

I have had counselling and been on antidipressants but nothing has worked. I'm hoping in time I will feel better as when I first found out I was suicidal, couldn't eat sleep or function at all and things have got better since then but I still have all the awful thoughts of what he has actually done going through my mind every day. You have nothing to be ashamed of and if you have a good friend or family member you should confide in them. I dont know how you have coped alone! I hope you find happiness whatever you do.

Just hang in there....

@ wcooksey - I totally understand what you are going though because you wrote my story. I admire you for staying and trying to work it out. Instead of thinking about the horrible deeds that he has done, think about the times that he made you feel good and the love you share. If you going to work it out and you both are committed to each other to pick up the broken pieces then give it your all. However, if you find yourself falling back into being a detective move don't drive yourself crazy. There is life after divorce. Be happy and stay prayerful.



Good luck!

Been 8 months since his affair ended; he ended. Have to say he promised to end it in 2008, and again in 2010, and 2011. Now he expects me to treat it like it never happened, and trust should be instantaneously and miraculously fully there. Being betrayed by the one person who was supposed to never hurt you, really bites the big one. I don't feel as bad as i did, don't feel insane any more, but won't ever feel the same again either.

http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/infidelity/qt/behavior_cheating_spouse.htm

It will get easier but it will never get better. It has been 11 years since I found out and all the promises he made 11 years ago were broken in time. I can't say if he has ever cheated on me physically again but I do know that he finds ways around what he assumes I would be upset with ... as example I hated the fact that he did stuff in front of ****, so now he thinks that by checking out the girls on Plenty of Fish.com means he is not looking at **** so I should be ok with that

Hello, and I was reading your post and I had to look up to see If I had written it. WOW that is exactly what Im trying to deal with. I want to talk to you can you message me. Plus I have not figured out how to get over it either it constantly hurts

First, let me say that your response is entirely normal. You have been betrayed, and this causes grief. There are several steps to moving beyond this grief, google "steps of grief". Seeing a counselor, and getting some sleep meds will help, as sleep deprivation doesn't help your thought processes; and can actually contribute to depression. If he isn't supporting you, counseling will help YOU.