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How Do You Get Over The Hurt?

My husband and I have been married for 19 years. I found out 3 months ago that he was cheating on me. I decided to stay, but I am having the hardest time. He is sorry for what he did to me and has cut all ties with the other woman. I just can't seem to get over it. I try, but nothing works. I can't sleep. Laying down at night is the hardest part. EVERYTHING I have found out runs thru my head. I cry myself to sleep almost every night. I love him with all my heart, but I don't know if I can keep living like this. I feel like a fake everyday when I put a smile on and act like everything is fine. Does anyone know how you get past the hurt they have caused? I always thought he was the one man who would never hurt me and now I know the truth. He has hurt me more than anyone ever has. I feel like I will never be happy again. I am too hurt and ashamed to tell anyone what he has done, so I have no one to talk to. I thought after 3 months things would be better, but I almost think at times I feel worse.
wcooksey wcooksey 36-40 66 Responses May 29, 2012

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My marriage has been on the rock for over a year now. I love my husband and really hoped and prayed that the marriage would work. We have been married for over 20 years - well on 10/22 I decided to follow him from work and all of my suspicions were confirmed. He trailed a secretary from work to her home. Even though I was behind him almost the entire time in my sister's car, he never noticed. I knocked on the daughter and asked the lady why my husband of almost 21 years was at her home. She said it was to cut her grass - a blantant lie. I made him get his things and get out. The truth is for a long time now he has not given me the love that I so deserved. It's so hard for me, my emotions are all over the place, one minute I'm crying, then I'm okay, the next meeting I'm filled with hate and would really like to go and do something bad to him - I know God has something better in store for me but the pain, the hurt, the betrayal are overwhelming me.

Exactly where I am now - I had to double check the name just to make sure I hadn't written this in my blurred state. You are carbon copy to my story

I am on this site because I have cheated. I am trying to better understand the perspective of my girlfriend whom I hurt so that I can better address her needs & assure her that everything will be ok. It happened about 3 months ago. I was on a bachelor party in Vegas, had several several drinks, and ended up kissing another girl at the bar. I suddenly snapped into it and realized what I was doing and went up to bed, but the damage was done. When I got back home, I told my girlfriend about everything to come clean (it took a bit for me to finally divulge all of the details. I was so ashamed I couldn't let everything out all at once), and she was extremely upset. She had been cheated on by two prior serious boyfriends and still has scars from them as well. It has been 3 months & she still cannot understand how I could have done that to her, especially since I've known about her past. I myself don't know how I could have done that either. I love my girlfriend very much, but just got caught in a bad situation that I never should have been in. Every day, I am remorseful for what I've done and want to gain her trust back, but she just can't seem to get over the pain. What can I be doing to show her I love her & that she can trust me? Is it possible to get our love back?

I would be really interested in talking with you. Our stories are very similar, but I was the one cheated on. I'm not sure of the answers to your questions though, I am trying to figure it out myself.

It's been 6 months n I still feel exactly as u do word for word. Most people know around us though n I go to counseling for it.
To me It validates my feelings. But the pain is still the same. I don't know what to do. We struggle with our realationship every day because of this.

i feel for you and your pain as i to have just gone through the same thing, and feel that i will never be the same again cant sleep, cant eat think i will never stop crying , i love him to bits but cant understand how he could ever have done this to me and broke my heart , did he never think how it would all ever end .

It happend to me as well. After 6 months I still cry everyday. N we struggle everyday to recover our relationship.

My husband and I have been together for about five years. last month we got into an argument because i caught him cheating, i was heartbroken and i used to love him with all my heart, I was about to leave and asked him what’s on his agenda and he just ignored me. I got mad and cursed him out and left. He said that I am jealous and insecure which is a recurring theme in our arguments. i tried everything to repair our relationship but nothing came alright, luckily enough i was browsing on the internet and i saw testimony of clients who talked about Mr Robinson buckler and also i saw his email address robinsonbuckler@yahoo.com, i thought may be its also one of the scamming spell caster, but my heart was restless until i contacted him and i used his spell and it worked so nice, his spell made my husband to take me back as his wife, it also made my husband to love me more, anyone who want his or her lover back should contact robinsonbuckler or call him +19715126745 him

It's been quite awhile since I wrote this message. Since then things have changed for the better. I left my husband after 20 years and got a divorce. I have met a wonderful man who I love very much. My life is 100 times better and everything worked out for the best. So for anyone going thru what I went thru. Follow your heart and do what is best for you. I can honestly say I tried to save my marriage. After catching him yet again I had to leave. That was the right answer for me. Yes I was scared and to top it off I lost my job a couple of months after I left. So I truly had to start all over. Best part is ... Everything was fine and I made it. I did not rush to date or meet anyone. In fact the man I'm with is the only guy I have gone out with. He treats me great and I'm very happy. Life can turn upside down on you but it doesn't last forever. Tough times never last ... Tough people do. <3

Me and my boyfriend have been together for two and a half years. During the first six months I found out from another girl that he had been with her a lot and don't many things behind my back with her. I confronted him and he continues to lie about it until I got evidence on his phone of her and he finally fessed up with some of the truth he never would agree to everything being true... That was six months ago... Since then every single day I would tell him "don't lie it's okay to tell the truth even if it's bad I just can't take the stress of you doing it behind my back" every single day I told him that. Every single day he would tell me, no I never do that, no I don't even talk to anyone, no no no. Every single day he deleted everything, lied to my face, and broke hundreds of promises. It is impossible to trust him. It is impossible to believe him, it hurts to know how much he had lied to me... How it never phased him and still doesn't. It just seems so heartless and now I'm so broken and I don't know how I could ever trust anyone ever again. The extent of his lies are unbelievable I have never heard a case as far as this before

First of all I just want to say how sorry I am for what you are going through. I went through a similar experience, my boyfriend for over a year, who is now my ex cheated on me during our whole time together. He cheated on me with his ex lover and girl's he had met online. It broke my heart finding out, and even now the pain is still there, every day, every minute with him was walking on egg shells, he gave my love to other women. I know every single emotion you are feeling, you are hurting, confused and broken beyond words. Each time I confronted him, he would lie to my face and start making me feel bad, when I would cry he would do nothing, I even found pics of his lover and the emails he was getting from dating websites. He was more than two-timing me, he was a serial cheater. I loved this man beyond words, I went against my family and friends when I started dating him and he replied my love with cheating and abusing my trust. I told him, to never abuse love, there is only so much a person can stand. He pushed me to the last straw, when he gloated about his cheating (finally after asking him), these were his exact words 'I am going to f*** my ex gf'. The minute he said, that I dumped him. There is only so much a person can bear. I was heartbroken and bitter with him, life and everything in it. I hated him with a passion and went into depression, I could not sleep, eat or think, my life felt like a bad nightmare, the man I once loved and gave my heart, kindness and soul had betrayed me to that level. After ending the relationship, I struggled to get myself up, I would spend days crying and being hurt. Even now, the pain is still there, but through great family and friends I am learning to love again :). There is life after pain, and you know what karma always delivers justice, my ex lost his job, car and he lost weight :). I sound bad lol but I am glad because he put me through hell, I have now moved on and I am blessed with a lovely, honest and kind man :), but I had to learn to love again and move on, it took me time, even now I am working on it :), I am doing hobbies and interests I love, I joined zumba, volunteering, book club, after the break up just to get myself. I even started praying and being optimistic, I realized he was the problem and not me, it was never me, it was him,. He cheated because he wanted to, he had a choice and he chose to cheat. Now I smile because I am loved by a great guy, and my ex is suffering moving from one to the next, to the next and yet he is miserable. Trust me, it hurts now but give yourself time :), and know this be with someone who makes you their priority and not an option :). GOOD LUCK AND KEEP YOUR HEAD UP :)

It's only been 42 days since I found out my girlfriend of 7 yrs cheated and it feels like yesterday. Everyday feels like the day you found out. The pain I've experienced trying to stay with her and the kids is overwhelming. Cry in the morning, night, and afternoon. How will I ever trust her? I think she is with him now, while I'm at work for our family

I'm so Sorry to hear your pain. It's been 6 months for me n the pain is still the same. Wish I could tell u Diffrent. The feeling is just so profound I'm not sure I could ever get past this.
Let us know what has happend. Me n my partner r still trying to recover our relationship every day.

My heart goes out to all of you!
I found out on our 9th anniversary after an intense night of passion with my wife that she had been cheating with a so called good close friend of ours. They had been lying to me for over six months but even though I knew there wAs something not quite right, I never expected the slap in the face from the woman I adore and cherish. After four months of her trying to tell me she only wants me, she still lies to me and lies to cover lies. The story keeps changing and I cannot stop thinking the worst of her. I don't know if we will ever b the same but we have three awesome kids that love us both and I can't abandon them for my own pursuit of happiness. Right now I want to hate my wife but I just love her too much and I can't seem to stop 😪

My friend. I hope you feel better now! I experienced the exact same situation but with me I found out 2 years after and when they had already stopped the physical affair but kept it on the virtual… I was in France celebrating our 10th anniversary and one night, after we went out, when back to the hotel I went to fix her phone which was very slow… boom! found those sexy photos she had sent me on whatsapp right there on her photo stream… but surprisingly his photos were just there as well… side by side with her photos! The same photos she had sent to me...
My life since then was never the same and in fact, besides to the therapist, this is the 1st time I say or right about that to other people. I still feel like **** and often think the worst of her… mainly because we were "the perfect couple" for all of our friends… including the SOB of my "friend" who decided to invest in my wife…. I still want to kill him!
I know I'm much better now than I was before but my BIG question is… do you know any man who is now happy with his wife after a situation like that? I mean truly happy?
I know friends who got divorced after the fact and are now happy but would love to know about the ones who decided to stay… Just to make sure I'm not wasting my time!!!
After I found out… I have done some pretty crazy stuff and went through stages of rage, jealousy and deep deep excruciating pain… the pain is less now but still come in waves some times…
My wife says she regrets everything, she did all she could to gain me back… including researches and subscribing to somywifecheated.com to understand what I was/am going through. Later, she stopped doing the same and constantly shows she doesn't understand why I'm still hurt!!!
Anyways… you are not alone! I feel your pain too and hope you are better.
I try everyday to be positive and keep busy to stop the thinking but sometimes it is just too much…
hope we'll all survive it and maybe help other people in the future not only to go through this but also to avoid it to happen...

Forgot to mention… it has been 1 year and 2mo since I found out...

It's been three years and I can't shake this feeling. I question EVERYTHING he does. Am I crazy?? He keeps telling me to get over it and he keeps reassuring me that he hasn't and won't ever do it again. I'm wondering if it would just be better if I left?

I know! How long you've been trying to shake it away?

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I'm 5 months post DDay and it still hurts and this was after a ONS not an extended affair. From what I have read, it can take 2-3 years. I still question if this is something that can be forgiven.

6 months n still just as painful. :(

Im living that same nightmare. I renember telling coworkers my husband loved me so much no woman would catch his eye... Stupid! Hes lied, cheated, without me even suspecting, for 8 yrs... Im not stupid, how could i have been so blind?

All the red flags i pushed aside all yhe inconsistencies i ignored all the duh! Moments! Thats whats so hard... Realising you dont know ths person, and then youve been so wrong.

I know how you feel

Let me tell you what and this is going to hurt but once a cheater always a cheater.. Married for 30 years and after 30 years i still have one that cheats on me... So i think i am at the end and will get out of here.. I tried to cheat for revenge a few years ago and it does not work if you have any values at all in your heart.. So do not go there just get out and find someone that will never cheat nor lie to you. I have about come to the conclusion that women can not be trusted altho i know in your case it is men but there are still a few that can be trusted i guess.
Get out now because it will happen again and again... I know i have been there..

I just wanted to let you know .... It did happen again and I did get out. You were so right. I'm divorced now and with a wonderful man. For all the BS I put up with ... I'm living a great life now. I hope you are doing just as well.

Not true not everyone who cheats is going to cheat again. some people actually feel like a complete piece of **** and they feel bad for as long as they can remember cuase they'll always know what they did wrong an how much they hurt the one they love the most. but some poeple are just sick evil people who don't care.

I am so there with you. My husband cheated on me with my baby sister! Its such a complicated mess. I'm fine for a while but it keeps returning like a nightmare!

It does! I think hey its ok then ill see something pr find a phone number or hes late and bam there ya go

Right?! That's how i've been. I feel ok for the most part and then it creeps back and i feel like a crazy lady when I question him or bring it up again. He makes me feel so stupid!! UGh it's been three years and i can't get over it!

I don't know ehether you read my stroy - but I know exaytly how you feel, and in this point in time it is more than normwal to feel like this. But throught the time situation will change, one way or another. I had been in such triangel for 1,5 years, and this was the worse time of my life. Still I was not the one who gave up, I was just too frighteen to do that. And now, suprisingly, I'm just fine - I have new life and I'm satisfied with it. But yes, it still sometimess somes back to me, feelings of losing that was important to me for 20 years.

So, take care, I konw it hurts like heel, but belive me, slowly it will go away. In a strange way I even got the feeling that all this pain made me stronger and to certain degree I'm even proud of myself.

Take care.

Thanks for sharing. My wife of 23 years cheated on me with multiple men. Some through text (sexting) and one of them meeting for sex 2 times. It's been a year now. She was so remorseful and broken over the whole thing. I had to forgive her because I love her. I put her on a pedestal. Well, that has been shattered. It does get easier and I am learning to trust again but I still have bad days where I get very angry. Anyway, I have walked through this whole thing alone with no one to talk to. That's why I joined this site.... To be able to connect and hear of others in the same situations. I walked around numb for 6 month or more.... Still learning to trust....

I feel your pain!!! I am 4 and a half months pregnant and I just found out my husband of 10 years has been having an affair with a co worker for the past two months. I think the timing couldn't be worse i want to fight smoke a cigarette and have a stiff drink and because I'm preggers I can't do either one of those things. I feel like I'm living in a nightmare and I can't wake up from it!! To top it off I found all this out on valentines day which was only 3weeks away from our tenth anniversary. I love my husband to death and I truly believe he's sorry but I just don't know what to do with all the anger hurt and disappointment.

I had to respond to you. I'm 3 months pregnant and my husband of 11 years cheated on me 3 different occasions. The last one was only a week ago and with a colleague. I feel like drinking bottles of wine and hoping that would make me sleep. We have done so many things together and I thought we truly loved each other. Now he is so depressed as he might lose me. If I was not pregnant, I would leave him but a baby is on the way and I'm not so sure. I won't be able to trust him again, that's for sure.

I can say I've been on both sides of this situation. I've cheated and been cheated on and I'm not talking about 5 month relationships they were 10 years and 5 years and I can say that when I cheated I didn't wake up one day and say oh I guess today I'm gonna screw over my husband an go mess around. It was never that simple an it certainly was never that easy. I had spent years with 0 physical contact and he thought by us just being married meant if I didn't like something then I should just sit there and deal with it cause I was married. Wrong. Nobody and I mean nobody that has an option is gonna b treated like that and they shouldn't have to and that's why people sometimes cheat ( it doesn't make it right it just might explain it a little bit) now on the other hand I was also cheated on and it took my breath away and I stil hurt from it and I realized that I had taken advantage of my relationship. I had assumed he would always b there and I could treat him anyway I wanted cause I didn't treat him the way I once did. I wasn't as nice and I didn't want to have sex like we did when we first met and I was always busy or grumpy or had something to do and I can't tell u the last time I asked him how he felt and truly cared or the last time I thought of his needs and just his. I believe these are a lot of the reasons he found someone else and the same reasons I had found someone else, I'm not saying that this goes for anyone else but I stop an think about what I thought my relationship was and I realized that what I thought it was and what he thought it was were 2 different things and blaming him or me wasn't gonna change anything. The only thing to do was to make sure that I try to do things better the next time around and I hope all of u out there find happiness and a way to b happy even though uve had hard times

My husband and I have been together for 17 years and this came as a complete shock to me.
I am YOU only 3 years out. I want to say things get better but that really depends on the how much your partner wants to help you heal. My husband doesn't seem to get it. I've explained on a kindergarten level how trust is earned but, well.......anyway. If your partner doesn't have sincerity when they talk about it or doesn't really feel your pain, they probably never will. If they really want to get to the bottom of why they hurt you and are willing to change their everyday behavior to earn your trust back maybe there's hope.
Just know that I'm just like you. I've cried my eyes out alone many nights wondering how this happened. I've been sitting on the toilet and thought "Oh my God, this really happened to me". I've wondered just how much I'm willing to take for my child. I've wondered if he ever "really" loved me.
I figure, in the end, I'll know when enoughs enough or I'm in it for the long haul. It's a threshold only each individual will know they've reached. And only you can decide if staying is what's best for you.
I only wish the best for you. I know this sucks beyond belief. But, just remember, YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

My ex ran off with my best friend. Getting over that was extremely hard. I will not forgive him but I did forgive my friend. It's not the same, but we talk weekly usually. That took 3 years to achieve.

I understand I just found out my husband cheated on me to we have been toghether for 10 years and his mistress hung out with me and around my children so disgusting. I forgave him but its hard to get the thoughts out of your head. Im sorry this happened to you it a horrible feeling.

W

Your story mirrors my own. My husband of 23 years cheated on me for three years before I found out. We've spent the past year trying to work through the anger, pain, fear, anxiety, and anguish. I also have no one to talk to about what happened. I didn't in march of 2012 when I found out and I still don't. I see by the date of the post that its been a year for you too. I still struggle with my pain every day - I have a feeling that I always will. If you're like me, you're not quite ready to leave but you know deep in your heart that you'll never, ever trust him again. You can't afford to let yourself be that emotionally vulnerable again. He's ruined it for everyone - himself and for anyone you may become involved with if you choose to start over.

I hope this post finds you well. Good luck to us all.

I do not think time will heal you, unless you do the work and work out the issues. Does he know you feel this way? You need to speak to someone. And with that I mean, a therapist, church pastor, your husband or anyone who you trust and can express your feelings to. It is a very hard experience, but unless you sort your feelings, it will never pass. He failed, why should you be trapped in a mental hell, while he is at peace?. I wish you luck. I know it is a roller coaster.

Unfortunately there are only 2 true options: You accept it and stay with him, or you move on and try to heal yourself. It appears as though you have already answered this yourself.

All the best to you. I have been in the same situation, I was the cheatie, too!

I just dont see how some people could be so selfish. When you get married you cant just think about you and your feelings. You have to think about how your actions effect other people. You have to begin with the end in mind and stop thinking about the moment. If more people thought about the end result I believe less people would cheat. I have shed so many tears as a result of someone elses indiscretions. Now I am expected to move on swallow my pride and be right by his side. It is so unfair. I have to consider everyone who is involved but he did not when he did his dirt with that woman. Someone say a prayer for me Im having a hard time.

I really think you need therapy. It helped me tremedously. I will still attend, so I may sort out all my issues. This is a hard situation to go through.My advise is that You need to dig inside and determine what is what you really want to do. Life is too short, to be in constant pain. the past cannot be changed, but maybe the future can be better. You are a victim for as long as you chose to be.

I have just went through the same thing. I have been with my husband for 18 years and married for 8. We have 4 beautiful children and alot of wonderful years together until recently. I found out 4 days before Christmas that my husband had been cheating with a co-worker. He claims to only have slept with her once but he carried on a inappropriate relationship for about a year. They would email, text and talk on the phone inappropriately. He said he broke it off because he did not ever want me to find out. But I did and now I feel like Im dying slowly each day. I am sick when I think about him being with her. I thought things were really good between us. We were always so in love so I thought. Now all he can say is that temptation got the best of him and he is sorry. He clams it wont happen again but I dont believe him. He begs me to give him a chance to prove himself. I really need some feedback, I dont break up my family but when he tries to kiss or touch me I get sick to my stomache knowing he kissed her. I so sad all of the time and I cry everyday. I love him so much but I am so hurt and disgusted. He says she meant nothing and it was just a sexual encounter. No love with no feelings... I feel like if he loved and adored me as much as he professes he would not have let this happen. I am so consumed by it l that I cant remember stop thinking about it. I need help.

omg! You totally just explained my feelings. I had a doting husband who, to the outside world, worshiped me. I can't stand to see him It sickens me if he touches me. We also have 4 kids, and I can't stand to see them hurt. Not to mention my religious beliefs

you have completely described me. Its 4 months since I found out my husband of 20+ years cheated on me. A lead on of inappropriate mostly mobile device behaviour ending with what he says was one sexual encounter. Says he regretted it soon after it happened. But like you, he maintained text intimacy and picture exchanges after that but says he has put it all behind him. He has the temerity of telling me that we should go on together and that it is a matter of trust. It is something I cannot understand since he cheated on me when I did trust him and totally. I feel sick in my stomach... worse when I imagine him being intimate with me. I just feel as if things have irreparably changed between us, our laughter and joy can only be a falsehood. I am still thinking what the best thing to proceed to might be, but there are so many complications. One of them is that I feel he needs me.... or in other words I provide him with a stable arrangement from which he launches to carry out his daily activities including jaunty relaxation... Why do I want to protect him? Both families just see him as perfect. I feel alone. It is raining inside me. He destroyed my forever. I do not know how to reset my internal button, how to create a fresh forever. Chammono

Just today i found out that my husband of 16years had been going to stripclubs and spending thousands of rands on escorts for the past 15years i always knew i guess but never wanted to fully deal with it i was that teenager married at 20 with a baby and alot of baggage but stayed even though he didn't come home most the time i sacrificed so he could further his studies and climb the ladder.I googled these clubs for the first time today i am devastated im so hurt i find that i can't sleep tonight we have always had issues of cheating he cheated three times on me some were my family members but i believed the lies every time and so much wanted to believe he loves me because we met when i was just 16years old now know better.I have three kids and have decided to stay for their comfort also i have never worked and am struggling now to get a job if i only had an income i think things would have been easier for me but Issiah 49vr 23 keeps me going i feel like all i have left is God and in him i put my faith.Afterall in Job 34vrs 18 God promises that no one who waits for his help will be dissapointed.

I'm doing my best to deal . We have Been together 22 years. We have traveled a hard road. Took a while to get it out of what was going on. Still I know he has more lies hiding in that head of his. I talked to her too. She claimed they were only friends. But in the next breath she proclaimed love for him. She even tried to down play it.4231 text messages in one month. Phone calls for hours on end while I was at work. She works formthe same company,different state. they will end up losing theirnjobsmifmit is ever found out.He says he cut ties. I have found an email account with exchanges between them.it has since been changed. He also changed his pass close on his tablet.m At night I am up pacing, snooping and just so sad. I know I can't stay. It hurts so much. My kids know something is happening. How do you tell them that the man who they worship is a liar and cheater? This all just happend on new year's. she drove here from Illinois. About 3 days to get here. I thought at first it was an emotional affair and it will fizzle. He swears he wants to work it out and fix this. I know it can't happen if there is lies and secrecy.

It's nearly been a year since I found out and to be honest it doesn't get any better for me, still think about it daily!