And Then I Married Him!!

So I met this great guy. You know the type, big warm smile, caring eyes, said words that would melt a girls heart! By no means was he a player. He was shy and quiet, and he seemed perfect. We started our relationship off strong. Some might say we were obsessed with one another. 6 months into the relationship I found out he'd been with someone else all along. They'd been together for a year or so before we met, and had broken up just recent to me finding out. I guess that makes me the other woman, right? But to me, in my heart, he's still been cheating on me, whether I was this "other woman" or not.
Long story short, I made a mistake. The kind of mistake any young girl can make. I married him. We're still married, though not happily. I always hoped that marrying him would help me to forgive him, and help me to mend my broken heart. I know he no longer cheats, but since our marriage i've found him flirting with women, sending pictures to them and lying to me (endlessly and about everything). The trust is LONG gone, and i'm completely miserable. I dont have the courage to leave him. I don't want to face judgement from others. I gave up everything for him and it didn't work out.
I hope by writing this someone will learn and not make this mistake. The pain of being cheated on never truly seems to go away. Don't put yourself through hell thinking things will be better just because someone got down on one knee and made you a promise.
Dahna Dahna
22-25, F
9 Responses May 30, 2012

Thank you for posting this... It's comforting to know I'm not the only one out there...I went through a very similar situation with my (now ex) bf. He was with another woman for the first year of our relationship, and of course when I discovered this, he begged and pleaded for me to forgive him.. I loved him and so I took him back. Soon after, I began to notice that things were never actually 'right' there was always a new conquest and he'd lie at every opportunity, for me; it was just mentally and physically exhausting. I was so unhappy and always hurting and also ready to settle down with him... I was always frightened of telling anyone, for all the same reasons.. But I'm glad I did, and I'm glad I walked away. It still hurts so much, but I'd rather be where I am now...

I think it's so important to know that the only person you can change is yourself...

So true. It is one of the most, if not the most important thing in a relationship. I just don\'t understand how to be with someone that knowingly hurts you and you can\'t trust. You deserve better!

I know, it truly made no sense to me until I left... Years of being conditioned to believe that you aren\'t worth much more than the way you\'re being treated, It\'s almost like being stuck in a well of treacle, when you\'re in it, it feels almost impossible to escape... The first small step was realising that I had to learn to value myself again...

I know your pain. You should still try to get out while you are young. Do you have kids? My wife got drunk at a party (that I was at as well). I'm still hurting 5 month later from something like this and still don't know what to do.

Theyre called passive-aggressive, narcissists, sociopaths. My husband is all three

My response is me too. He cheated. I forgave. I married him. I had suspicions that he was doing the same things several times in our marriage but I wasn't sure. Now I am sure. I talked to the most recent woman after seeing her number on his cell phone bill. He seemed so sincere and sorry but it turns out after 10 years that it was almost all lies. Multiple women. Online. At work. Old friends. I loved him once . I cannot respect him. My marriage is over in my heart.

I did it twice…. I feel you. This is my 2nd marriage and I caught him talking to another woman and her sending videos…. I spy and he has managed to lock me out of everything…. The not being able to spy and knowing what’s going on… he says nothing.. The not knowing but knowing deep down inside makes me sick all the time. Do I stay or do I go? My first husband was not just a cheater but mentally abusive it took me along time to get out of that one… My now husband was my biggest supporter I have known him since we were kids and he knows what damage my first husband did to me and now he is dong it to me…. What do you do? I don’t know. I am at a loss. Every day a piece of me dies inside…

im in the same boat. he cheated on me while i was pregnant and the day she was born and even months after. then he asked me to marry him and i said yea. i been trying to forgiving but the pain hurts way to much and I'm starting to think i will never get over it and I'm too is scared to leave for he makes sure i have no job and car or money. he would wipe me clean and take the only thing that brings me joy, my child, also i don't know what people would say being that we only been married for a few months. i wish he never need it.

I understand how you feel. I feel kind of trapped because my husband has made it so that i have no money, job or car as well. I also know what you mean when you say you don't know what people will think. I feel that people will look at me like a failure if i can't make it work. I'm sorry to hear you are going through something similar, i really wouldn't wish this situation on anybody. I hope you find a way to be happy, you deserve it. You really shouldn't be the one so miserable, you have done nothing wrong! Stay strong, and if you need to talk, I am here.

Oh my gosh. Almost exactly the same for me. Ive been thinking marriage would help me. I really needed to see this. Im so hurt, wishful and wanting what i fear is not going to be there ever again.

I'm sorry to hear you are going through the same thing. Unfortunately I don't think marriage helps, I think it has made my life harder. I would have left him by now if we weren't married. So i hope you don't make this same mistake, I hope you can walk away and find someone who loves you and will not hurt you, you deserve to be happy!

I've been with my husband for 4 yrs but we just got married 3 months ago. It sucks because as much as I love him and as well as we get along if I don't ever speak up about his baby mama or question why he's been gone so long, I regret marrying him. I just don't want to spend my whole life dealing with this! He doesn't want me to work, wants me to stay home ans take care of our kids but then when he's mad is quick to throw in my face that he supports me and my children from my last my last relationship and how I need to give him the respect of just trusting him. I feel like if he isn't doing wrong why would he get so mean and defensive? If I tell him that then he it turns into how I have depression so I feel like its his fault but really its mine! I don't have depression! I absolutely get deprressed because he tears me down, but I have no signs of medical depression! I get out of bed everyday, fall asleep fine,eat fine, and only feel depressed when he treats me this way! I'm be

My husband says the sane. Blames it on depression when I'm nor depressed. I'm angry and hurt. They are rational emotions.
I understand how you feel. I don't want this to be my life. I'm desperate for him to change but deep down I know he never will. Nobody really changes. He said something to me tonight that I don't even understand. He told me he loves me but he doesn't want me. He doesn't like me. It hurts because I've always tried to do all I can for him, so for him to say he doesn't like me, when HE cheated and lied, seems beyond belief.

I would try to talk to your husband about how he makes you feel. My husband said when I disagree with him, he feels attacked so he lashes out. He said he'll try to work on it because he doesn't intend to do it or make me feel bad. If talking doesn't work, try a letter. Sometimes letters help because you can fully express yourself without him interrupting. If he's negative about your feeling when you try to talk to him or after reading the letter then I don't know that he'll ever change. I would ask him if there's anything you can do to make him happier too. Maybe his harsh words are just because he's unhappy but doesn't know how to tell you what he needs from you? Be strong, you deserve to be treated well. :-)

I am in a similar situation however to this day my husband swears his baby mama is a liar and they were not together when we met. She was pregnant, without my knowledge, when we first started dating. He didn't live with her and moved in quickly with me after we first got together. He told her he was living with his parents. He tells me it was because she threatened to never let him see the baby, she tells me it was because they were supposed to be engaged. We are now married and I'm pregnant with our 3rd baby. I can not find it in me to trust him because to this day they both swear by their story! On top of everything else he says I nag him to much due to my distrust and is verbally abusive to me if I ever ask him why he was out so late or why his baby mama keeps texting him so much. He tells me I am insecure and depressed. Tells me he would never cheat because look how horrible I make things for him and he still comes home every night after work. Does he seriously think those comments are supposed to make me believe he doesn't cheat???

I'm really sorry to hear about your situation. That sounds so hard. I'm lucky I don't gave children, that must bring a whole seperate level of stress and worry into the mix.
What I dont understand is why they feel the need to lie and say mean things? When you do that, what kind of relationship do you expect?
How long have you and your husband been married? Have you ever tried any forms of counselling? I did a couples therapy weekend with my husband, it felt amazing to get a lot of my feelings out, I cried at every meeting and doing every exercise we were set because emotionally I'm just a wreck now. But he never took anything away from it. He thinks he doesnt have to work on anything about himself.
If you ever need to vent, or if you need a chat I'm here for you.