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Cheating, Spying And Getting Caught

My wife had a so called emotional affair with someone over a 3 month period in a car while going to and back from work daily. They were in the car together for about 2 hours total a day. They ended up holding hands, pulling to the side of the road and kissing a handful of times. No sex, described to me as over the clothes touching by both of them as I ended up confronting the man as well.

I caught them through some spying as I suspected something was up because she was so secrative about her blackberry. Broke into it and saw they would express love for each other through code and then recorded some of their car rides, hearing the kissing and words of love for each other.

Now she is begging for us to stay together, saying none of that with him meant nothing, it was not real, can't really explain why, is regretfull and remorsefull , hates herself for doing what she did and wants us to be together forever promising undying love for me and this will never happen again. We are still together but I am struggling to get past this. Any advice? Our relationship prior for the most part was fine, not perfect but we had and still have a very good life with two young children.

I just don't know how to cope with my wife telling another man she was in love with him and doing the things she did. I'm fully depressed. I love her like no other prior to this, put her on a pedastal. Now I am struggling to find that same feeling. Anyone go through the same and get passed it, if so how? Thank you

UPDATE 1 YEAR LATER

Thanks everyone for the feedback. It's been nearly a year since I caught my wife cheating (Feb 18/12) and I still feel lost, dazed and confused.
We are still together and she has become the perfect wife, which I thought she was before the cheating occurred but she is still remorseful and doing everything in her power to get past this and be together forever.

Problem is, I've forgiven but can't seem to forget. She told another man she loved him, gave him her love and she accepted his love. But she continues to tell me it was only words and meant nothing. Hearing that hurts as well, if she is capable of just saying that to another man and not mean it, could she not do the same with me? How did you forget the details to live without hurt, pain?

It aches thinking about it and can't seem to stop thinking about it. Does the pain ever end? Anyone who got past a similar situation staying with your spouse, how did you do it?
lost143 lost143 41-45 57 Responses Jun 20, 2012

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I've come to the point where up to now I wanted the man she was with to suffer emotionally somehow but I think I need to make peace with that man, so I have asked him to meet me again to talk about what this year and half has been like for me and basically might need to forgive him as well as my wife before I can truly be at peace and move on keeping my family together and happy. I am tired of having so much hatred in me, I need to get rid of it and hope meeting him to discuss will help. As strange as this sounds, I feel like I need the man's help my wife was with to recover. Very strange, but that is how I am feeling now. Thanks for the thoughts all.

I personally think that's a bad idea. If this man didn't have any regard for you during the affair, what changed to make you think he's going to care now? And more importantly, the severance needs to come from your wife and it needs to be the line in the sand. That cannot come from you. They created their own alternate reality and more than likely, this man could care less about you much less about the future of your relationship. Think about it: did he care when it started? No. What's changed to make you think he cares about you and your feelings now? Be honest.

I had the exact same scenario(the only difference is that I had a phone conversation record and that happen to me in May 2012) Same scenario 2 children ,12years of intense love story and over night everything collapse .We are still together and she is perfect but I still don't find peace in my mind.I wish you can find a way to get thru this and let me know so I can do the same.

Lost - the psychology of an affair for women is typically an emotional attachment. For men, it's physical. Most of the time, women trade up, while men trade down. I haven't read through this post thoroughly, but i don't think you and your wife have tried counseling. Right? You should. Only a therapist can frame the complex emotional issues with the both of you. Yes, I said both of you. It takes two people to create the environment for an affair to flourish. It takes one person to act on it. I would encourage both you and your wife to read "Torn Assunder" by Dave Carder. This book unlocks a lot of the questions you both have and should have. It also helps you get past the emotional baggage that is lingering for you. Your wife needs to read it to understand the triggers. Ultimately, you both need help coping and restoring. This book does that.

How do I know, you might ask?

I caught my wife having an affair with her pastor. It started as an emotional attachment and progressed to a sexual affair. We are rebuilding. It's tough. I know. Believe me.......I kNOW! I have movies in my head every day. But you don't invest 18 yrs into a marriage and just give up because one of you made a mistake. Remember....in good times and bad.....that was a promise you both made. If you believe in vows, then this should be very serious for you.....in spite of the hurt. You have to educate yourself or you will get stuck. You have to seek therapy or you will get stuck. You have to communicate and grow or you will get stuck. Is it hard? Yes. Is it worth it? If not, then why did you marry her to begin with?

Good luck.

A good book. It helped me to understand a little more of the whole dynamics of an affair. My wife did not want to leave me, but found someone who was willing to give her what I couldn't, or didn't? Truth is, now many years later ( more than 20) she cannot stand the guy. He played the game to win his prize. He was not interested in a life with her, just a free roll in the hay every now and then. I moved on! Do I regret it? Sure. I could have worked through it,I think. I was stubborn. She still calls me and tells me she loves me. But as you all know, it is easy to forgive, but impossible to forget.
I was not vindictive. His wife never found out, at least not from me.

I stumbled on this site looking for answers. Looking for someone to talk to. I recently caught my husband texting another woman. I just don't know what to do with all of this hurt and anger and frustration. I feel like such a cliche I was the wife who said "if my husband ever! His clothes woul be out on the lawn! Yet here I am, trying to make sense of it. Trying to swallow the hurt. Then I see your post and a year later you are still struggling with the hurt. I don't know if I am strong enough.

Hello Lost143... Thank you for your encouraging and kind words...just the thought that 18 yrs. of our relationship and future comes down to this is painful...all due to his poor judgement and lack of respect for us. I'm seeking counseling for my healing process, he's asking for us to work on it, but I'm too afraid and I think the best is to cancel the wedding, We already started receiving RSVP's and is just making me more angry....

It is tough to forget betrayals. You are being human. I hope over time she will be able to regain your trust as you allow the love to grow too.

I just found out my fiancé cheated on me for the second time... He only admits it was texting , but even texting is a form of being unfaithful(right?) Since I found out what was going on we've been fighting so much. I'm tired of feeling like I did something for him to do this to me. I feel so much pain and anger at the same time. Our wedding is in less than a month and I feel I need to walk away before is too late. Please advice???

Hi Tears 13. My heart breaks for you and highly recommend you walk away. I know I can't mainly because I have two young kids, not sure if you have kids but the heartbrak will be even greater when you are married and if you have kids than. I've come to learn once a cheater always a cheater until they get busted, then they worship you but is it real. I can never forget the fact my wife told another man she was in love with him and vice versa and the pain is so much I can't even describe it. I'm sticking around hoping I someday truly get over it to keep my family intact, I don't think you are at that stage and could have strength and time to walk away. All the best to you, good luck. Oh and one more thing, yep, texting is a form of cheating, that is how it starts. Don't let him fool you.

walk away.

I have the same problem ... I can't forgot but I forgave her ... I saw som text msgs that they were texting ... My wife was saying she wanted to **** him and he was saying you could ride me.. She said that sounds good ... Then I caught her .... I broke up with her... She kept begging me to get back together I dident want to I was having fun being single ... It was my way of getting back at her ... Well now we are back together and she been the perfect wife ... But I jus cannot forget the pass ... It's hard for me ...

I'm really glad to see your doing well as you are. I am starting her pregnancy with what I hope is my baby. It's funny because since I caught her she has been the best wife ever. I keep thinking why did that have to happen first? Couldn't you just have been a good wife before??

Can there ever be something beautiful...that there's no need to hide or lie. And that it's possible to talk without any lies with no sarcasms no deceptions no exaggerations or any of the things that people use to confuse the truth?

Going thru the same struggle. My wife had an emotional affair with her "friend" who was also married. It was long distance. They sent each other pictures and talked about sex all the time. I forgave her but I find it very difficult to forget. Like you, I'm sure, I don't think about it all the time. When I do think about it, it hurts so much. I feel like there is this piece of myself that she will never have again. I don't know what to do. I keep trying. But at times it gets to me.

same here my friend.

<p>Another Update if Anyone is Interested:</P><br />
<p>I am still happily miserably married. It's been a year and three months since I caught her and the pain is still there, feels as strong as ever. I want the pain to go away, hoping it does with more time. Nothing feels the same anymore, there is always doubt. Thank you for writing all of your thoughts, A lot of it is comforting. It's weird, she has now become the perfect wife it seems in every way, but it took her getting caught cheating to be this way. That is messed up, hard to believe anything anymore because I don't know what is real. For those is the same situation, I feel your pain and hope you have been stronger than me in moving forward, with or without your so called soul mate.</P>

i am still with her... but the marriage that we had died... i live day by day. nothing will ever be the same again.

How about your sexual life. Are you satisfied with it?

I am getting worried after reading all these that maybe i am never get over the pain of all this bullshit but what is more painful the periodic spurts of hurt and anger or leaving someone you still love and care about

difficult question. i wish i had the answer. mine is more complicated, we have children, and i have to think first for them.

How sad! Just found out my husband cheated on me and he said he only met up with one time at a rest area. Met her on dating site and been texting her for over three months. Now he saids it didn't mean nothing but like you. I don't trust him either. I conforted him about it a mth ago. I am totally down hill depressed. My question is WHY! I read my bible to get some encouragement and it does help.

Honestly I started focusing a lot more of myself than the marriage. I'm in this constant state of readiness for the end of the relationship. I don't recommend that but you need something positive to focus on. That's what has helped me. So I work out and do my best at work. Not as an excuse to ignore the marriage. Just give yourself something to look forward to everyday. Fill your day up, I find that these thoughts haunt me on boring, idle days. It's still hard. There is no easy answer.

I love your attitude! You defenetly need to focus on yourself and find ways to be happy without her.

I was cheated on a while ago but the memories still stings.

I really wish you to be soon both free and happy. ;)

The Bible has been a big source of comfort for me also. I think the hard part is to forgive ourselves. I know..weird as we did nothing wrong. But deep inside I know I feel guilty....I must have done something wrong for her to do that. Not true....it is usually starts as a fun flirtatious chat. Then it get's more intimate. Love? I have come to the conclusion it was not love, but the excitement of being young again, a new romance that she was in love with. I hope you can get past the doubts, that is the hard part. I was afraid to even argue with my wife, afraid she would leave. Good luck!

It is no doubt extremely difficult getting through a betrayal. You have every right to feel what you feel. Justifiable anger, I've heard can be the worst kind. I don't think you will ever forget it completely. I honestly feel your wife is remorseful and knows she made a grave mistake. She can't take it back. It is innately human nature to fall short, disappoint and let down our loved ones. I seriously doubt she says things to you that she doesn't mean in the same respect as she did with lover boy. Those are two totally different circumstances. The only thing I could suggest is to talk to God, ask Him to help your feelings catch up with your decision to forgive and let go of this whole fiasco. I don't know your beliefs, but this is my only solution for dealing with feelings that just are, that I can't do much with. Good luck! You do seem to be moving in the right direction with it all.

very good advice :) the pain is so much that it makes you sick.

I am not sure this will help, but here goes. I have read a lot about why men and or woman cheat. It mostly has to do with the newness of a relationship and the excitement of doing the forbidden. Riding side by side for so long, I am surprised it did not happen sooner, and that they did not stop and get a Hotel room a few times.
So what good is this? Well she still loved you or she would have went for it. I am saying it was a "crime" of opportunity between two consenting adults who were attracted to each other. I think you will be fine as long as she is not still in this situation with him. Obviously she felt some passion was missing from your relationship also. There is a book out there called "The infidelity of Woman", I don't remember the author. It is a must read, to understand how this could happen and why it happened. What I gleened from my read, was that it was not my fault. I also found I was not innocent either. I was not giving her what she felt she needed. I too put her (my ex.) up there on the old ped. This is a problem also. We feel they are perfect, they are not. Temptation is strong when one feels neglected or taken for granted. To be worshipped is never enough. I ended up leaving my ex. I still wonder if I did the right thing. In my case she wanted to stay together as she loved me, she just wasn't "In love" with me anymore. Good luck!

You will always hurt for the rest of your life.But eventually it will get better.My husband of 16 years cheated on me 3 months ago,oh yes you heard me 3 months ago,it is still fairly fresh.I do have to say im not crying as much.We are still together trying to work it out.My husband is doing all the trying seen as how hes the one who committed the affair.I am stubborn as all get outs and keep wanting to leave so I can have some space.I haven't been out of his sight long enough to be able to think clearly.That scares him.He doesn't want to lose me.If you love her enough,love shall conquer but you have to be willing to do some of the work.The average amount of time to feel somewhat normal is 2 1/2 years but everyone differs.I only have had 2 months so far because he kept it from me for 4 weeks.I am still upset,hateful,unforgiving,unloving at times,but I have noticed it slowly getting better.Know its wondering if hes worth it.We all know how you feel.Verbalize it with your wife about how you feel,see if that helps and ask her to be patient.This is huge,and I mean huge and its not to be taken lightly.Hope all goes well for you,and you start to feel better.

I wish I had an answer but I'm in the same boat as you are. Its been 2years we're still together but I struggle trying to forget and heal. I'm a woman scorned. He has been the best husband a woman could ask for since this has happened but to me he has always been a good husband. It's just that he could do no wrong in my eyes before he cheated but now i don't trust him nor do I believe anything that he says. I still hurt 2 years later as if it was a fresh wound. I dont think I will ever heal from this. Good luck to you and your healing process.

My wife having an affair was the hardest thing in my life. I tried to recover for four years without much success. I fell in love with another woman and a year after that I am still torn between divorce or keep trying to keep my family together. I feel for you! One thing that has helped me is seeing how my own insecurities and our codependent / nascisistic relationship paved the way to the hurt. I no longer really believe in monogamy and likely never will again.

Every one deserves another chance. But they need to earn the trust that has been betrayed.

the "emotional relationship" IS a relationship, and the part that should hurt the most.
sounds like she got caught up in something she enjoyed and didn't think she'd get caught. it doesn't mean she stopped loving you, ever. but it means she was arrogant and made mistakes; she's trying to make amends. i hope she's not commuting with him anymore, at least.
we trust someone till the trust is broken -- is is better to start anew with someone with unbroken trust (but who may be a lesser person), or to hobble along with the current one? if you cannot trust anyone new because of this old hurt, you have to fix this one first -- within you, of course.
good luck!

Leave her, that's all. She lied to you at first, then lied to another man, and now she's lying to you again. Be sure this time she wont use her blackberry anymore, she will choose something more effectively secret. Don't trust her man. If she had caught you cheating her, would she still be with you? Women are a lot different, they're really cold when they want to.

Just because she may have loved another man doesn't mean that she stopped loving you or loved you any less.

I feel you brother I have been in the same position for a while. My wife and I went through a tough time and I worked two jobs so she could stay home with our children. I later found out that she was talking to a guy who lived across from her parents which whom she visited often. To make a long story short she lied to me over and over and I found out there was so much more. I couldn't eat, I lost so much weight and all the while I struggled to hold on it wasn't until she had a relationship with him emotionally and physically to understand that wasn't what she wanted. I am so broken over her and all she wants is to be back together and be a family again. There was a period of time where I would talk to her and it was as if she was looking through me and could not hear my words. But I like you truly loved her. There is not a woman in this world that I had thought was more beautiful. Throw kids in the mix and it is extremely hard. You have to make a decision. Either you can stay make a clean slate of it and work on your relationship. That being marriage counseling and extensive communication. But if this is the case you have to be the bigger man and forgive her. She knows she messed up and she will have to carry that. But if you can find it in yourself and work on it you will understand how it happened and make the changes in your relationship to be even better than ever. The thing about women is they need to feel wanted and appreciated. My wife no longer felt that because I was always working. The moment she felt that from someone else I was secondary to everything. I lost everything. I wish you the best of luck because I understand your pain it is tremendous, I was always very confident in life but when you suffer a broken heart it changes you. But the ball is in your court just ask yourself what you want. It's about you now. For me I could have forgiven her if she would have been honest to me but the continuous lies and deception make it very hard to come back from. Her and I at the time of marriage told one another that if a time came we ever went astray or had feeling for someone else we owed it to one another the respect to be honest. With that dishonesty the one I loved most in life hurt me the most and I don't trust her anymore. But I have been the bigger man because we have children and have been working on a friendship and co parenting skills. Also man hit the gym!

I feel for you, I don't have the best advice to give you but, talk to her. Tell her how you feel without holding back. What I would really like to know is, why? Why would she do that to you? That's something only you can find out. So ask her. Good luck to you mate

hello sir
we are in the same boat,dont know what to do just lost interest in my life seeing some one is important than me ,just for my kid i'm just keeping quite ,but i don't thing this thing end up here,it will continue,you cant express feeling to any one it will back fire you.
just get a break get out of city with your kids.live for your kids.we cant buy love ,


best of luck

Three things should never slip from your custody.Your hard earned money,your esteem and last but not the least your wife.Because these things once lost,cannot be easily regained or compensated and even if regained or compensated money and esteem can be considered but what about a wife who has lost her trust or maybe is devoid of her chastity?
The best answer is your conscience.
Have a free talk with her and do what your conscience says

I feel for you lost143. I have a story almost exactly the same. It makes your heart hurt so bad. I haven't been with my boyfriend as long as what you have been with you wife but I discovered he was cheating on me emotionally too with an ex girlfriend of his. I was blind sided because I thought our relationship was amazing. It hurts, but if you and most importantly your wife feel that you are both worth the fight for then you need to fight for it. People are not perfect and for our own sanity we need to find it in our hearts to forgive. We will NEVER forget, but we need to find a way to move on! I am so sorry this happened to you. I will never understand why bad things happen to good people!

cheating means only two things.
either she has a strong reason.
or she is a total ****.

I feel your pain, I have been married for 18 years and last year spyed on her and find out that she as being in multiple affair, she want it to break up but I'm in a tuff financial situation because she is the bread maker in the family, I always accommodate her carrier and just doing wat ever job to bring some money home, now I find myself with no carrier and depending on this woman that I merrier for making sure our kids have a decen life. I still spying on her but she got very smart, she is not using the phone anymore and on the computers at home she is not going on Facebook anymore but I guarantee you that she is still ply around, I want to let you know that she will never change, all of them included your wife, we can't see in front of us at this moment, we don't know y she will prefer someone else, Because we love this woman that give us our kids, reality is that we live in a different world now, I wish I have a financial straight, for this to work you need to have her falling in love with you and for that to happen you need to ignore her, these are woman that never mature and they think that the darting is more exiting that the marriage, marriage brings to many responsibility and cheating is fun because is quick and exiting for them, I can stay here and talk for hours because the feeling that you have is also the same that I have, if you fanatically can, move now wile your kids still small, move close near by so that you can have a relationship with your kids, don't trust her anymore she will do it again and again because she is not in love with you anymore, if she was she will not have done that, my experience tell me that is not the only time, good luck, welcome to my world, if you can run from her but not from your kids