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Cheating, Spying And Getting Caught

My wife had a so called emotional affair with someone over a 3 month period in a car while going to and back from work daily. They were in the car together for about 2 hours total a day. They ended up holding hands, pulling to the side of the road and kissing a handful of times. No sex, described to me as over the clothes touching by both of them as I ended up confronting the man as well.

I caught them through some spying as I suspected something was up because she was so secrative about her blackberry. Broke into it and saw they would express love for each other through code and then recorded some of their car rides, hearing the kissing and words of love for each other.

Now she is begging for us to stay together, saying none of that with him meant nothing, it was not real, can't really explain why, is regretfull and remorsefull , hates herself for doing what she did and wants us to be together forever promising undying love for me and this will never happen again. We are still together but I am struggling to get past this. Any advice? Our relationship prior for the most part was fine, not perfect but we had and still have a very good life with two young children.

I just don't know how to cope with my wife telling another man she was in love with him and doing the things she did. I'm fully depressed. I love her like no other prior to this, put her on a pedastal. Now I am struggling to find that same feeling. Anyone go through the same and get passed it, if so how? Thank you


Thanks everyone for the feedback. It's been nearly a year since I caught my wife cheating (Feb 18/12) and I still feel lost, dazed and confused.
We are still together and she has become the perfect wife, which I thought she was before the cheating occurred but she is still remorseful and doing everything in her power to get past this and be together forever.

Problem is, I've forgiven but can't seem to forget. She told another man she loved him, gave him her love and she accepted his love. But she continues to tell me it was only words and meant nothing. Hearing that hurts as well, if she is capable of just saying that to another man and not mean it, could she not do the same with me? How did you forget the details to live without hurt, pain?

It aches thinking about it and can't seem to stop thinking about it. Does the pain ever end? Anyone who got past a similar situation staying with your spouse, how did you do it?
lost143 lost143 41-45 58 Responses Jun 20, 2012

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To lost 143 I've been married 25 years to my 3rd wife both my 1st and my 2nd wife cheated on me as soon as I caught them they both left with their boyfriends my 3rd wife who I'm STILL with told me about 6 months ago that she had an affair with a stranger she met at a friends house who made a pass at her she pushed away and told him she was married but didn't tell me about it she got turned on and went back 3 days later and had sex with him 5 days in a row. He then left town .this happened 14 years ago and we have a 14 year old daughter and a 10 year old daughter I did a paternity test on both of them and guess what the 14 year old isn't mine she didn't know who the father was but when she knew he didn't want her she tricked me into raising her her friend told her some years ago that he is dead now she didn't leave me like my 1st and 2nd wife did because he didn't want her. Ok boy was I hurt. I will always love my14 year old daughter. I've got two beautiful daughters that don't know and right now I feel I must not destroy their lives by telling them. So I talked to one of the elders at our church and he set us up with a Christian counselor at our first session she admitted to two other insedents she said she was sexting them but never had sex with them she also said it only went on for a short time. Well boy I didn't believe that that's not how life works and later that night that's what I told her after a long heated discussion I told her if we are going to have any kind of chance she had to be 100 percent honest with me no matter how bad it was then she finally told me the truth but only one small piece at a time. Ok now she swears she's told me everything . About a year and a half ago and this was the best time in our marriage ever. She's a cashier and a man started being nice to her first then flirting then meeting her outside on her breaks then going on picnics in the park on her day off while I was at work. The made out then they went to his trailer and had sex she knew he was married and working here from out of state this affaire went on for 6 months then he went back home and hasn't been back again he didn't want her as soon as he left she saw an old crush of hers and told him to pick her up after work and he did they drove to the park pulled over and she climbed on him and had sex supposedly one time then she said she felt guilty uh about time! And stopped everything.ok somehow Im still with her we've gone to counseling 8 times now and boy has it helped me. I told her that I have to divorce her in my heart and we have to start all over because the last 25 years didn't mean anything. You got to know if it ever happens again by will I leave her and tell my daughters why. I have divorced her in my heart and in the process of moving forward she always texting me where she is exactly what she's doing always texting and telling me how sorry she is we have find my friends app so I always know where she is. Where even looking to design a new wedding ring and mabey get remarried . But don't kid yourself it is obvious now that I will never forget what she did you can't but you can move forward you just need to make sure you don't move backwards by saying things you don't really mean or name calling. I wasn't a perfect husband eather. I have decided I want my wife and I'm pretty sure she wants me and is truly sorry she has promised me to be the loving faithfull wife and mother she should have always been and I have promised her to be the best husband . Love your wife . Cherish her. Put her up high on a pedestal. Never let her go around without a wedding ring on her finger.always tell her and show her how much you love her surprise her all the time never stop making her so happy and excited every day. That's what a women needs from her man . Men don't understand that's what a women needs. Men are like whatever l work hard quit complaining. If you don't do all these things for your women then your just asking for trouble will never forget what she did and you need to talk about it often because you cant let it build up in you you have to vent it out often it's not going to be pleasant when you talk about it but you will feel better the more she opens up about it. and after we talk about we have the best sex we've ever had . Talk to her make sure you are giving her what she needs always make sure your are giving her what she needs tell her what you need you might be surprised what she's willing to do to please you if you are willing to please her always try new things make sure you excite her every day you will be glad you did. If you get with another women it's going to be the same thing you have to do all these things to make a women happy. You do need to get to the bottom of what really happened though.go see a Christian counselor or you don't have a chance

I've come to the point where up to now I wanted the man she was with to suffer emotionally somehow but I think I need to make peace with that man, so I have asked him to meet me again to talk about what this year and half has been like for me and basically might need to forgive him as well as my wife before I can truly be at peace and move on keeping my family together and happy. I am tired of having so much hatred in me, I need to get rid of it and hope meeting him to discuss will help. As strange as this sounds, I feel like I need the man's help my wife was with to recover. Very strange, but that is how I am feeling now. Thanks for the thoughts all.

I personally think that's a bad idea. If this man didn't have any regard for you during the affair, what changed to make you think he's going to care now? And more importantly, the severance needs to come from your wife and it needs to be the line in the sand. That cannot come from you. They created their own alternate reality and more than likely, this man could care less about you much less about the future of your relationship. Think about it: did he care when it started? No. What's changed to make you think he cares about you and your feelings now? Be honest.

I had the exact same scenario(the only difference is that I had a phone conversation record and that happen to me in May 2012) Same scenario 2 children ,12years of intense love story and over night everything collapse .We are still together and she is perfect but I still don't find peace in my mind.I wish you can find a way to get thru this and let me know so I can do the same.

Lost - the psychology of an affair for women is typically an emotional attachment. For men, it's physical. Most of the time, women trade up, while men trade down. I haven't read through this post thoroughly, but i don't think you and your wife have tried counseling. Right? You should. Only a therapist can frame the complex emotional issues with the both of you. Yes, I said both of you. It takes two people to create the environment for an affair to flourish. It takes one person to act on it. I would encourage both you and your wife to read "Torn Assunder" by Dave Carder. This book unlocks a lot of the questions you both have and should have. It also helps you get past the emotional baggage that is lingering for you. Your wife needs to read it to understand the triggers. Ultimately, you both need help coping and restoring. This book does that.

How do I know, you might ask?

I caught my wife having an affair with her pastor. It started as an emotional attachment and progressed to a sexual affair. We are rebuilding. It's tough. I know. Believe me.......I kNOW! I have movies in my head every day. But you don't invest 18 yrs into a marriage and just give up because one of you made a mistake. good times and bad.....that was a promise you both made. If you believe in vows, then this should be very serious for spite of the hurt. You have to educate yourself or you will get stuck. You have to seek therapy or you will get stuck. You have to communicate and grow or you will get stuck. Is it hard? Yes. Is it worth it? If not, then why did you marry her to begin with?

Good luck.

A good book. It helped me to understand a little more of the whole dynamics of an affair. My wife did not want to leave me, but found someone who was willing to give her what I couldn't, or didn't? Truth is, now many years later ( more than 20) she cannot stand the guy. He played the game to win his prize. He was not interested in a life with her, just a free roll in the hay every now and then. I moved on! Do I regret it? Sure. I could have worked through it,I think. I was stubborn. She still calls me and tells me she loves me. But as you all know, it is easy to forgive, but impossible to forget.
I was not vindictive. His wife never found out, at least not from me.

I stumbled on this site looking for answers. Looking for someone to talk to. I recently caught my husband texting another woman. I just don't know what to do with all of this hurt and anger and frustration. I feel like such a cliche I was the wife who said "if my husband ever! His clothes woul be out on the lawn! Yet here I am, trying to make sense of it. Trying to swallow the hurt. Then I see your post and a year later you are still struggling with the hurt. I don't know if I am strong enough.

Hello Lost143... Thank you for your encouraging and kind words...just the thought that 18 yrs. of our relationship and future comes down to this is painful...all due to his poor judgement and lack of respect for us. I'm seeking counseling for my healing process, he's asking for us to work on it, but I'm too afraid and I think the best is to cancel the wedding, We already started receiving RSVP's and is just making me more angry....

It is tough to forget betrayals. You are being human. I hope over time she will be able to regain your trust as you allow the love to grow too.

I just found out my fiancé cheated on me for the second time... He only admits it was texting , but even texting is a form of being unfaithful(right?) Since I found out what was going on we've been fighting so much. I'm tired of feeling like I did something for him to do this to me. I feel so much pain and anger at the same time. Our wedding is in less than a month and I feel I need to walk away before is too late. Please advice???

Hi Tears 13. My heart breaks for you and highly recommend you walk away. I know I can't mainly because I have two young kids, not sure if you have kids but the heartbrak will be even greater when you are married and if you have kids than. I've come to learn once a cheater always a cheater until they get busted, then they worship you but is it real. I can never forget the fact my wife told another man she was in love with him and vice versa and the pain is so much I can't even describe it. I'm sticking around hoping I someday truly get over it to keep my family intact, I don't think you are at that stage and could have strength and time to walk away. All the best to you, good luck. Oh and one more thing, yep, texting is a form of cheating, that is how it starts. Don't let him fool you.

walk away.

I have the same problem ... I can't forgot but I forgave her ... I saw som text msgs that they were texting ... My wife was saying she wanted to **** him and he was saying you could ride me.. She said that sounds good ... Then I caught her .... I broke up with her... She kept begging me to get back together I dident want to I was having fun being single ... It was my way of getting back at her ... Well now we are back together and she been the perfect wife ... But I jus cannot forget the pass ... It's hard for me ...

I'm really glad to see your doing well as you are. I am starting her pregnancy with what I hope is my baby. It's funny because since I caught her she has been the best wife ever. I keep thinking why did that have to happen first? Couldn't you just have been a good wife before??

Can there ever be something beautiful...that there's no need to hide or lie. And that it's possible to talk without any lies with no sarcasms no deceptions no exaggerations or any of the things that people use to confuse the truth?

Going thru the same struggle. My wife had an emotional affair with her "friend" who was also married. It was long distance. They sent each other pictures and talked about sex all the time. I forgave her but I find it very difficult to forget. Like you, I'm sure, I don't think about it all the time. When I do think about it, it hurts so much. I feel like there is this piece of myself that she will never have again. I don't know what to do. I keep trying. But at times it gets to me.

same here my friend.

<p>Another Update if Anyone is Interested:</P><br />
<p>I am still happily miserably married. It's been a year and three months since I caught her and the pain is still there, feels as strong as ever. I want the pain to go away, hoping it does with more time. Nothing feels the same anymore, there is always doubt. Thank you for writing all of your thoughts, A lot of it is comforting. It's weird, she has now become the perfect wife it seems in every way, but it took her getting caught cheating to be this way. That is messed up, hard to believe anything anymore because I don't know what is real. For those is the same situation, I feel your pain and hope you have been stronger than me in moving forward, with or without your so called soul mate.</P>

i am still with her... but the marriage that we had died... i live day by day. nothing will ever be the same again.

How about your sexual life. Are you satisfied with it?

I am getting worried after reading all these that maybe i am never get over the pain of all this bullshit but what is more painful the periodic spurts of hurt and anger or leaving someone you still love and care about

difficult question. i wish i had the answer. mine is more complicated, we have children, and i have to think first for them.

How sad! Just found out my husband cheated on me and he said he only met up with one time at a rest area. Met her on dating site and been texting her for over three months. Now he saids it didn't mean nothing but like you. I don't trust him either. I conforted him about it a mth ago. I am totally down hill depressed. My question is WHY! I read my bible to get some encouragement and it does help.

Honestly I started focusing a lot more of myself than the marriage. I'm in this constant state of readiness for the end of the relationship. I don't recommend that but you need something positive to focus on. That's what has helped me. So I work out and do my best at work. Not as an excuse to ignore the marriage. Just give yourself something to look forward to everyday. Fill your day up, I find that these thoughts haunt me on boring, idle days. It's still hard. There is no easy answer.

I love your attitude! You defenetly need to focus on yourself and find ways to be happy without her.

I was cheated on a while ago but the memories still stings.

I really wish you to be soon both free and happy. ;)

The Bible has been a big source of comfort for me also. I think the hard part is to forgive ourselves. I know..weird as we did nothing wrong. But deep inside I know I feel guilty....I must have done something wrong for her to do that. Not is usually starts as a fun flirtatious chat. Then it get's more intimate. Love? I have come to the conclusion it was not love, but the excitement of being young again, a new romance that she was in love with. I hope you can get past the doubts, that is the hard part. I was afraid to even argue with my wife, afraid she would leave. Good luck!

It is no doubt extremely difficult getting through a betrayal. You have every right to feel what you feel. Justifiable anger, I've heard can be the worst kind. I don't think you will ever forget it completely. I honestly feel your wife is remorseful and knows she made a grave mistake. She can't take it back. It is innately human nature to fall short, disappoint and let down our loved ones. I seriously doubt she says things to you that she doesn't mean in the same respect as she did with lover boy. Those are two totally different circumstances. The only thing I could suggest is to talk to God, ask Him to help your feelings catch up with your decision to forgive and let go of this whole fiasco. I don't know your beliefs, but this is my only solution for dealing with feelings that just are, that I can't do much with. Good luck! You do seem to be moving in the right direction with it all.

very good advice :) the pain is so much that it makes you sick.

I am not sure this will help, but here goes. I have read a lot about why men and or woman cheat. It mostly has to do with the newness of a relationship and the excitement of doing the forbidden. Riding side by side for so long, I am surprised it did not happen sooner, and that they did not stop and get a Hotel room a few times.
So what good is this? Well she still loved you or she would have went for it. I am saying it was a "crime" of opportunity between two consenting adults who were attracted to each other. I think you will be fine as long as she is not still in this situation with him. Obviously she felt some passion was missing from your relationship also. There is a book out there called "The infidelity of Woman", I don't remember the author. It is a must read, to understand how this could happen and why it happened. What I gleened from my read, was that it was not my fault. I also found I was not innocent either. I was not giving her what she felt she needed. I too put her (my ex.) up there on the old ped. This is a problem also. We feel they are perfect, they are not. Temptation is strong when one feels neglected or taken for granted. To be worshipped is never enough. I ended up leaving my ex. I still wonder if I did the right thing. In my case she wanted to stay together as she loved me, she just wasn't "In love" with me anymore. Good luck!

You will always hurt for the rest of your life.But eventually it will get better.My husband of 16 years cheated on me 3 months ago,oh yes you heard me 3 months ago,it is still fairly fresh.I do have to say im not crying as much.We are still together trying to work it out.My husband is doing all the trying seen as how hes the one who committed the affair.I am stubborn as all get outs and keep wanting to leave so I can have some space.I haven't been out of his sight long enough to be able to think clearly.That scares him.He doesn't want to lose me.If you love her enough,love shall conquer but you have to be willing to do some of the work.The average amount of time to feel somewhat normal is 2 1/2 years but everyone differs.I only have had 2 months so far because he kept it from me for 4 weeks.I am still upset,hateful,unforgiving,unloving at times,but I have noticed it slowly getting better.Know its wondering if hes worth it.We all know how you feel.Verbalize it with your wife about how you feel,see if that helps and ask her to be patient.This is huge,and I mean huge and its not to be taken lightly.Hope all goes well for you,and you start to feel better.

I wish I had an answer but I'm in the same boat as you are. Its been 2years we're still together but I struggle trying to forget and heal. I'm a woman scorned. He has been the best husband a woman could ask for since this has happened but to me he has always been a good husband. It's just that he could do no wrong in my eyes before he cheated but now i don't trust him nor do I believe anything that he says. I still hurt 2 years later as if it was a fresh wound. I dont think I will ever heal from this. Good luck to you and your healing process.

My wife having an affair was the hardest thing in my life. I tried to recover for four years without much success. I fell in love with another woman and a year after that I am still torn between divorce or keep trying to keep my family together. I feel for you! One thing that has helped me is seeing how my own insecurities and our codependent / nascisistic relationship paved the way to the hurt. I no longer really believe in monogamy and likely never will again.

Every one deserves another chance. But they need to earn the trust that has been betrayed.

the "emotional relationship" IS a relationship, and the part that should hurt the most.
sounds like she got caught up in something she enjoyed and didn't think she'd get caught. it doesn't mean she stopped loving you, ever. but it means she was arrogant and made mistakes; she's trying to make amends. i hope she's not commuting with him anymore, at least.
we trust someone till the trust is broken -- is is better to start anew with someone with unbroken trust (but who may be a lesser person), or to hobble along with the current one? if you cannot trust anyone new because of this old hurt, you have to fix this one first -- within you, of course.
good luck!

Leave her, that's all. She lied to you at first, then lied to another man, and now she's lying to you again. Be sure this time she wont use her blackberry anymore, she will choose something more effectively secret. Don't trust her man. If she had caught you cheating her, would she still be with you? Women are a lot different, they're really cold when they want to.

Just because she may have loved another man doesn't mean that she stopped loving you or loved you any less.

I feel you brother I have been in the same position for a while. My wife and I went through a tough time and I worked two jobs so she could stay home with our children. I later found out that she was talking to a guy who lived across from her parents which whom she visited often. To make a long story short she lied to me over and over and I found out there was so much more. I couldn't eat, I lost so much weight and all the while I struggled to hold on it wasn't until she had a relationship with him emotionally and physically to understand that wasn't what she wanted. I am so broken over her and all she wants is to be back together and be a family again. There was a period of time where I would talk to her and it was as if she was looking through me and could not hear my words. But I like you truly loved her. There is not a woman in this world that I had thought was more beautiful. Throw kids in the mix and it is extremely hard. You have to make a decision. Either you can stay make a clean slate of it and work on your relationship. That being marriage counseling and extensive communication. But if this is the case you have to be the bigger man and forgive her. She knows she messed up and she will have to carry that. But if you can find it in yourself and work on it you will understand how it happened and make the changes in your relationship to be even better than ever. The thing about women is they need to feel wanted and appreciated. My wife no longer felt that because I was always working. The moment she felt that from someone else I was secondary to everything. I lost everything. I wish you the best of luck because I understand your pain it is tremendous, I was always very confident in life but when you suffer a broken heart it changes you. But the ball is in your court just ask yourself what you want. It's about you now. For me I could have forgiven her if she would have been honest to me but the continuous lies and deception make it very hard to come back from. Her and I at the time of marriage told one another that if a time came we ever went astray or had feeling for someone else we owed it to one another the respect to be honest. With that dishonesty the one I loved most in life hurt me the most and I don't trust her anymore. But I have been the bigger man because we have children and have been working on a friendship and co parenting skills. Also man hit the gym!

I feel for you, I don't have the best advice to give you but, talk to her. Tell her how you feel without holding back. What I would really like to know is, why? Why would she do that to you? That's something only you can find out. So ask her. Good luck to you mate

hello sir
we are in the same boat,dont know what to do just lost interest in my life seeing some one is important than me ,just for my kid i'm just keeping quite ,but i don't thing this thing end up here,it will continue,you cant express feeling to any one it will back fire you.
just get a break get out of city with your for your kids.we cant buy love ,

best of luck

Three things should never slip from your custody.Your hard earned money,your esteem and last but not the least your wife.Because these things once lost,cannot be easily regained or compensated and even if regained or compensated money and esteem can be considered but what about a wife who has lost her trust or maybe is devoid of her chastity?
The best answer is your conscience.
Have a free talk with her and do what your conscience says

I feel for you lost143. I have a story almost exactly the same. It makes your heart hurt so bad. I haven't been with my boyfriend as long as what you have been with you wife but I discovered he was cheating on me emotionally too with an ex girlfriend of his. I was blind sided because I thought our relationship was amazing. It hurts, but if you and most importantly your wife feel that you are both worth the fight for then you need to fight for it. People are not perfect and for our own sanity we need to find it in our hearts to forgive. We will NEVER forget, but we need to find a way to move on! I am so sorry this happened to you. I will never understand why bad things happen to good people!

cheating means only two things.
either she has a strong reason.
or she is a total ****.

I feel your pain, I have been married for 18 years and last year spyed on her and find out that she as being in multiple affair, she want it to break up but I'm in a tuff financial situation because she is the bread maker in the family, I always accommodate her carrier and just doing wat ever job to bring some money home, now I find myself with no carrier and depending on this woman that I merrier for making sure our kids have a decen life. I still spying on her but she got very smart, she is not using the phone anymore and on the computers at home she is not going on Facebook anymore but I guarantee you that she is still ply around, I want to let you know that she will never change, all of them included your wife, we can't see in front of us at this moment, we don't know y she will prefer someone else, Because we love this woman that give us our kids, reality is that we live in a different world now, I wish I have a financial straight, for this to work you need to have her falling in love with you and for that to happen you need to ignore her, these are woman that never mature and they think that the darting is more exiting that the marriage, marriage brings to many responsibility and cheating is fun because is quick and exiting for them, I can stay here and talk for hours because the feeling that you have is also the same that I have, if you fanatically can, move now wile your kids still small, move close near by so that you can have a relationship with your kids, don't trust her anymore she will do it again and again because she is not in love with you anymore, if she was she will not have done that, my experience tell me that is not the only time, good luck, welcome to my world, if you can run from her but not from your kids

Truthfully I still feel so lost, dazed. I'm a walking Zombie, don't know what is real anymore. I've lost faith in love or the existince of true love. Just not real to me anymore. I truly believe my wife is the most beautiful woman in the world, she is flipping hot, but the desires I had are no longer there. I'm trying, but how do you get over your wife telling another man she loved him and vice versa. I don't know what to do anymore, dazed and confused.

Once the trust is gone it's all over! If there are no children get out now.From now on every time she goes out you will wonder is she with someone and that is hell to live!

Seek family therapy.

Thank you everyone for your thoughts. I've come to realize it is time to forgive and take my chances on whether or not it will happen again. I've had to look in the mirror and look inward in order to forgive because the truth is I'm no better. I have cheated on past girlfriends before, so I am no stranger to cheating. Hard for me now to judge when my own wife did the same to me that I have done to multiple others before. It sucks being cheated on, but I'm a hypocrite and have been a hypocrite in the way I have been reminding her and making her fell like dirt and scum for doing what she did. I constantly bring it up and bring her to tears, time for me to stop. Move forward with her and hope that someday things may get better. I know things will never be the same, which sucks, but maybe, just maybe if I can truly forgive which is what I am trying to do, things will get better. Forgetting is the hardest part.

Thanks again for all your thoughts. Very much appreciated.

I'm a little more than 2 months in to getting the worst bombshell of my life. Because your wife wants to work things out and you also have children, give her a chance. See a good marital counselor together and talk about why this might have happened. Despite how much 2 people love each other, things can happen outside of marriage when we let our guards down and start sharing things that should not be shared with anyone other than our spouse. Time will tell if she is sincere about making a change. Unfortunately for you (and me), it hurts, it makes you crazy, and it is very very difficult to get over. But I have hope that if people like us can forgive and eventually get over this hump, our marriages might be even better. We won't know though if we don't hang in there. So, I hope you hang in there and I'm so sorry that you are going through this.

I went through something quite similar, it was just a girlfriend. The proper response would have been to end it. It will be very very hard to trust her again, and you might even find yourself hating her. Might just be better off getting a divorce, bit I would say try counseling maybe?

I wish I could read comments from people that ARE cheaters on this forum. It would help understand the underlying need to do such things, and how it actually works to look at someone in the face and lie over and over again.As far as I am concerned, these comments help in the sense that I don't feel crazy thinking she stills lies, but also make me really depressed thinking that jealousy might become my reality for many years to come.

Is that what you would like? Is to be Jealous and Paranoid for the rest of your existence?

Honestly, take care of your mentality, man. Everyone deserves to be happy and you can too. If there are kids, yes, there is a hardship that they'll have to go through if nothing works, not even counseling. But what do you think your kids are seeing when the arguments arise out of nowhere? When they see you feeling sorry for yourself and the whole situation?

Trust, your belief that it is sacred, has been crushed. Why give someone the opportunity to continue crushing the very things that make you who you are?

You know it's a hard thing to do Bro, if you don't have kids get out A.S.A.P. cause she will do it again this happen to me 17 years ago but I had ( children ) the ages of twelve, nine , and six , years of age I couldn't bare the fact to leave with a total stranger that my wife would see after I was out of marriage,or stay with the mistrust that you may she may do it again

7 months later and I am still lost with no end in sight. This sucks!

I have had a similar thing going on with my wife of 30 years. I happen to get a chance to get on her computer and wish maybe I hadn't. I found a few e-mails that described her love for a co-worker and supervisor who was somewhat younger than her. I probably wouldn't have thought much about it but then began to put alot of things together. As they fell into place things began pointing to an affair. She has always been very secretive which is part of my problem. I was not really intendiing to pry into her personal life but was interested in what she may have been thinking on a seperate matter not really related. Especially since she was alway so secretive about her phone and computer. I guess even though I feel guilty about snooping I think it may be better for me to know. Anyway, she wrote about having these feeling of love she should not be having and about not being able to go back to his department for fear of losing control again and getting fired. Sure sounds like an affair to me....She only admits to having a crush on him but nothing more. Things add up to her falling in love with someone else for many reasons. She distances herself from my family totaly. She keeps her thoughts to hersef now. She is even more secretive than ever (which is understandable after me invading her privacy) and she is very snippy with me and aggitated by my very presents most the time. She spends all of her available free time on her computer or phone. Has no interest in sex with me. Feels I treat her as a receptical of some kind to quench my urges...whatever. But after a while I am just getting tired. I still love her and desire her. Maybe more now knowing she had some emotions and feelings that satisfied her in some way. I would wish her happiness. But I get the feeling she would like for me to go away. Not sure I have enought life insurance for that?? naaa she wouldn't..

Been there with my first wife, suddenly I was not good enough to sleep with. No problems paying the bills, buying her that car she wanted, but zero affection. I made the mistake of asking if she was planning to leave me. Her comment back was "hell no" ! so I felt, "well she will come back around, she is just struggling right now" She never did want me to touch her again. I finally sought a Divorce. She was overjoyed to see me go, but pissed off that I messed up her "Plans". I never did find out her plan?

I cannot offer advice. my new wifecheated. she denied it, even said it was only an emotional affair, like that was ok. Well i suspected something more, got a PI to follow her and video tape it.<br />
So now I have sex tapes of my wife with several different guys. I asked her once more to come clean, tell me everything. Again she said it was just one guy, and they never had actual sex. First, an emotional affair is almost worst than a " i was horny so we ******" affair. she didn't just give her body, she gave her heart. very sick!<br />
I showed my wife one of the videos, in our house, on my couch, doing things she never did with me cause it was gross. She cried, i got my rings back and she now lives in a hotel room. She can see all the guys she wants now.........opps no she can't, there wives won't let them come play anymore. Oh,and she has no time, she is working 12 hrs a day to pay for her food and room. Good luck.

I won't say I don't feel a bit guilty, but never sorry!

I love it!


yep good job - tired of these people living in a fantasy world where they can do what they want - she should fell guilty, not you. She deserves it.

Good for you! Good job! She got just what she deserved.


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Very tough my wife has done worse and Ive tried to work it out but she's continued to betray me at every turn! I've found when you roll over and show them that weakness they will eploit it.

My husband and I have been married 27 years. He cheated about 14 years ago. We worked through it. But now he has a coworker who calls his cell phone. He says they are just close friends. He won't tell me her name because he says I might do something stupid and get him fired. The not knowing for sure is killing me. I've begged him to just tell me her name and he won't. He says he loves me. I just want the truth. Is that wrong?

No I dont its wrong at all. I deal with this evwry day lately.

i've had the same situation, and deal with this everyday. it's killing me slowly though.

I really feel bad for both of you. Everyday, I get half truths, lies, or no answer at all. Its making me sick. And then I'm told I'm doing it myself. So I guess I'm to blame for letting lies upset me.


You are not to blame for wanting to know the Truth!

But if that is what you are getting on a day-to-day basis, why continue with this relationship? 27 years... that is a long time BUT where is your Happiness? Your dreams, your aspirations... have they been recognized yet? Is he holding you back from all of it?

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All of these stories are sad and each one pertained to me at least once over 23 years..except most of the time they ALWAYS say they did not sleep together. Why worry about that being the worse part? It is the feelings they have for the other person that can end a relationship! Also the first time mine got caught mine said the same thing but a few years ago admitted to the sex 23 years ago. When they are having feelings for another and professing that love...I am sorry but 9 out or 10 times They DID have sex!

OK I can't fix myself because mine has gone on 23 years but try not to believe everything she is saying! I believed my husband who over and over and over was caught in similar situations and more. As soon as she meets the next guy she is attracted to and she feels its safe not to get caught she will do it again. We started with counselling, etc...before I knew it I am 23 years older with 2 sad kids who have been through hell with the cheating,leaving them and me over and over. I never once cheated because of my morals but have been a door mat because of love , ignorance and stupidity. It is something about people who cheat...they need the extra attention, the excitement of new love but still the security of a significant other at home. Whatever you chose to do I strongly feel your pain and just wanted to save someone from the miserable life I have had...Good Luck and be careful not to forgive or forget so fast!

Just wanted to say thank you to everyone for your comments, as difficult as this is nice to know we are not alone. As for me, still struggling but still together and actually am getting closer to seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I have to keep reminding myself in my lifetime I have not been a saint, done things I regret, I have asked for forgiveness myself and people have forgiving me, so I try to remind myself of that. Hope you all get through this difficult time, your stories and comments have helped. Thanks again.

Sorry to hear about this, that was not cool at all. Woman can be so damn selfish at times. My wife had something going on as well, I just can't prove it. She too is also very secretive about her cell phone and I found out why, she text a man which she claims he never responed to the test via Facebook and didn't know if it was the same "old friend" from a long time ago. I think that's all bull-****, but whatever. Now I'm having to live with what really went on. It kills me inside thinking what really happend and she is no help, she will not open her emails to let me see, she will not let me see her phone, she states she has her own "private" life. I mean what is she married for then, are we just room mates then? As for you, at least your wife is showing remorse, and actually telling you that she loves you, mine doesn't do this, she just states I have to trust her bottom line.

My husband does the exact same thing,has for years,and at one point I convinced myself that I was the crazy and the "nosy" one but later on,on a night when we were drinking with some friends I just asked him what had really happend between him and the woman I suspected he had an affair with...
He was a littlle drunk so he told me,the crazy-you are imagining stuff-nothing happend you crazy *****-one, that they had an affair for almost an year,slept together on a regular basis,including in our home when I was out with the kids.
But he had his "privacy" so who would know right? Trusting him then came back and bit me in the heart.

Going thru it now... Can't see the light at the end of the tunnel. Hope it gets better

i have had a very similar experience except my husband did have sex with her. a trashy buffet worker that lives in a hotel. unbelieveable! it helps to have people on this site that can relate to how i feel. it is so hard moving on when i know he touched someone else so initimately. its been 3 months and we are working things through for love and our 11 YO boys. good luck to u and email me if u need a friend.

My husband did something similar. After 12 years of marriage, he had more of this emotional type of affair at the park during lunch. I saw the texts, and even had video becasue she was being followed by a private investigator. I am depressed, hurt, broken and humiliated. Embarassed. No self confidence. We started counseling two weeks ago and that has helped. My husband says he's so full of shame and guilt - I went through a week of anger, yelling, crying...luckily we were due to go on a trip, without our two young kids, the day after I found out. We had time to cry, yell and get everything out in the open without worrying about the kids.<br />
We both want to work past this, but it's hard. Counseling is really helping. He tells us we need 5 positives to negate the one negative thought, so if I am having a lot of negative thoughts, it's his job to build me up with positives before I sink into that sad/anger spot. He needs to put his shame/guilt aside to show and prove to me that he is worth this. (the emotions, etc.) All communication was cut off that day I found out and I don't have any one I can talk to that has stayed together after an affair. Everyone we know divorced after we are committed to getting through this. I am not close to forgiving yet, but I am reading a lot about how to get to that forgiving is hard, and it doesn't mean you excuse it, but it it necessary for ME to move on. With help, we are repairing our marriage and I am getting help with my feelings. Good luck and know that if she is willing to work through it and show you that she really does want to say, the probably means it. My husband told me he knows that everyday in this house is a gift. I told him he took the easy way out, instead of being a man and talking to me about our marriage. I told him I could take the easy way out and make him leave, but that's not what I want. It has been almost one month since I found out and each day gets easier. Yesterday was a bad day, I cried and got upset, but only for about an hour instead of what it was before. Each day he shows me and proves to me that I am the one, and that makes it better. I stay busy with our kids and work from home now. For me, the hardest part is trying to cope with him telling another woman he loved her. I understand your frustration and pain. He says she just made him feel important. That's it. He wasn't in love with her and was never under the impression that he was going to leave us. They met about 5 times, and most of those I have video proof of. It's hard because I think it's easier that I have that proof, then I know he told me the truth (I didn't tell him I had videos before he spilled everything to me.) and my imagination didn't get the best of me. <br />
I hope you are able to save your marriage. It seems like we are on the right track, but it is definitely hard.

I just found out my husband had a four month sexual affair and her husband came to our house and he got busted. I couldn't believe he could do this to me. He now tells me he loves me and wants us to work on our marriage. I told him why didn't you flipping try four months ago. And he tells me he doesn't know why he did it either. It is so upsetting to me. So I wish you luck with your marriage. My husband is in counseling right now.

If you both love each other then give it a chance. Go to couples counselling. Work on forgiveness, and learn from this hard experience. Your marriage could become better than you could ever imagine because this is a wakeup call for both of you as individuals, and as a couple. It could just as easily have been you straying. Some people are predatory, but most are good people who became involved in something they found hard to stop. It's an addiction of sorts. All the's hard...(speaking from experience!)

"Now she is begging for us to stay together, saying none of that with him meant nothing, it was not real, can't really explain why, is regretfull and remorsefull , hates herself for doing what she did and wants us to be together forever promising undying love for me and this will never happen again."<br />
<br />
Translation<br />
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"You are paying all the bills and I am getting a free ride while having sex with whoever I want." Do yourself a favor and move on, find someone worthy of who you are.

Today is our 8th Wedding Anniversary and I don't know how to feel, still pretty flipping depressed. Thanks for your thoughts, appreciate reading what others who have gone through similar things are coping. Hope you are all ok.<br />
<br />
I guess I should feel blessed she didn't actually sleep with him, or she claims and have no choice to believe that but have this ugly feeling I don't know everything there is to know. Her telling him she loved him though feels worst though than actually sleeping with him. They both suck I guess, what can you do.

I am in the middle of it. Almost one year since i found out she was having a 6mo affair with my sisters husband. I was stupid i let her blame me for the affair. I went thru individual and marriage counseling. Battled depression. But then she woke up. Realized what she did wrong and apologized to me and my family for it. She has been trying to make it up to me ever since.<br />
<br />
But one year on i had to end this. I told her despite the apologies and therapy, i cant forgive her. I told her all the trust i have for her is gone. I told her i love her, but as long as we are together i will never have peace of mind. <br />
<br />
I told her i want a divorce. Right now she is trying to make it up to me. Trying to get me to not kick her a$$ out, But i asked her this: "what could u possibly say or do that will erase all of the pain and suffering u caused?"<br />
<br />
I already answered my own question: Nothing. I dont want $hit from her.<br />
<br />
I do not intend to spend one more penny, one more minute on therapy. I have the best therapy in mind...get rid of the person who caused me to need therapy in the first place.<br />
<br />
Forgot to mention i have been married 13 years. Have two kids with her. But because of her my kids and my sisters kids dont see each other.<br />
<br />
My wife found out she was bipolar thru all this mess. I felt bad for her. But not anymore. I dont care about the reasons. She wasnt psychotic or anything.<br />
<br />
She was rational the whole time, plotting their rendezvous. ******* him in our home in our bed.<br />
<br />
The way i see it. I have the power to end my own suffering. So bye bye *****. I hope the memory of his **** (and mine) was worth it.


give her a chance. i think she just wanted the attention and fell in love with a childish idea. let her work for ur love and attention but still keep in mind that she is the mother of ur children and does love u more now that she messed up, believe me. Give her ur love and dont let another person ruin ur happiness.

I recently found out my wife of 9 years has been cheating on me for almost a year. With men she met on the internet. Had sex with two of them. Brought them to our home even. I read some chats and msgs between her and these other men and read similar things. This was 3 weeks ago.<br />
<br />
I think I understand the feelings you might have. Utter betrayal, loss of trust, anger. Like you don't even know who this person is anymore. That they could do this to your family. I'm going through all of that now. I trusted my wife completely. She even told me when she was going to meet one of them saying it was a friend and telling me his name and I never even questioned it.<br />
<br />
I am not passed it and probably won't be for quite a while. Everything I see brings it all back in my head.<br />
<br />
My wife responded similarly and seems to have a new outlook on everything. She had not been trying very hard to be a part of our family, for various reasons, but now seems devoted to it and doing whatever she needs to in order to patch things up. Will it last? I hope so, but you can never tell. Should I trust her after being so deceptive with everything? I can't say. <br />
<br />
What I can tell you is that since this occurrence we have been talking like we never had before but should have been from the start. I asked her why it took THIS to get us to talk like we were. No matter what you have to say, or how much it may hurt in the short term, in the long term, it's not work the risk of holding it in and letting that develop. <br />
<br />
Try to understand why she did it. Was she looking for something? How did she feel about your relationship and did she have things she wanted to change? Be 100% honest at this point with each other. You have to try to rebuild that lost trust and openness with each other. If either of you cannot fully express how you feel and be 100% open with the other, then what are you doing together? Hopefully you are both understanding enough to talk through it and get to a better place. Especially for your kids.<br />
<br />
That is MY perspective on it given my very limited experience and how I am approaching my situation. I can't say it's right or that it makes sense in the context of other peoples lives and relationships. But I do hope it helps.<br />
<br />
I wish you the best in trying to navigate through this very difficult time.