My Boyfriend Sexting Other Women

I was married for almost 9 yrs to a husband who constantly cheated. Slept with a few women, others were just inappropriate texts and emails. After being separated then divorced for a total of 8 months and going on a few dates, I started seeing someone and have been for 9 months. We were sort of friends before we dated, knew each other, hung out in groups. We were both married and had both been cheated on which ultimately led to our divorces. Recently I discovered some inappropriate text messages on my boyfriends phone between him and other women. He knows that my ex did the same thing. When I confronted him, he says after his divorce a friend told him about online dating and that;s where he met these women. He says he can't figure out how to delete his profiles on those sites and so he keeps getting emails, etc from them. He says he knows it was wrong to answer and talk to these women, but he thought it was funny to see how far he could take it, that it didn't mean he doesn't love me and that he never did anything besides talk to them. I asked him how long he'd been doing it and didn't get a straight answer other than not the whole time we have been dating.

Another part of this is that about 4 months ago he found out he had a son with a one night stand, someone he knew back in high school that he ran into at a party. It almost caused us to break up because he initially wanted to do whatever it took to make things work with her and be there for his son. Then after he sobered up and thought about it, he decided that's not what he wants because he knows he can never be happy with her. But when I found the text messages his first thought was that I had seen one from her and got mad because she sent a picture of her and the son because she was wearing a bikini. So that brought the question from me asking if he was talking to her like that too, or do her texts make it seem like she does want a relationship with him? He said he doesn't talk to her that way, and he doesn't think she wants him like that. But the way he said it was hesitant and like he wasn't sure, so that made the old worries from initially finding out about his son creep back in since his initial reaction was break up with me and go to her.

My first reaction was rage, kick him out (he's been staying with me for the past 3 weeks because his lease was up on his apartment and he's about to deploy so didn't want to renew it), and never talk to him again. Then my second thought was if this is happening again with a different person, I must be doing something wrong. The thing that made me look through the phone in the first place was probably a combination of him acting differently and my own insecurities from my marriage. By acting differently, I mean not as open, less affectionate, slightly less sex than normal, things like that. At first I chalked it up to his upcoming deployment and him being nervous being his first one, and his mother recently died, and his father is sick, finding out about the kid. But I just couldn't help my previous relationship cheating and all of that from creeping in and making me want to look, so I did.

The thing is, I love this man. My kids love him, my family loves him. I just don't know what to do. Can I look past this? How do I get a real answer from him as to why? Because this it was funny answer just isn't cutting it for me. He left on his deployment yesterday, a week after I found out, so we didn't have a whole ton of time to talk it out, work it out, whatever. And now I'm worried about what he's doing while deployed because that's when my ex cheated on me the most. How do I bring it up again without being accused of bringing up things we already talked about? I think a letter or email would be best because I can say my piece and he can respond and we will both be uninterrupted. I just don't know how to bring it up or if I should or if it's worth holding onto... I didn't break up with him because I didn't want to do that right before he left and then him be gone 6 months and we don't talk so we can't even see about working it out at all...
supersecret31 supersecret31
26-30, F
2 Responses Sep 17, 2012

I am 46. My boyfriend of 10 months is 59. When i confront him about the same things he either sits there with a blank expression or laughs and shakes his head and tells me not to worry about it, it's just a joke, it's nothing. I have never felt so insecure or jealous or unattractive as i have with this man. I am slowly moving out of the relationship. I thought that he wanted someone to love just like i did. But i realise now he has been using me in that he he does all this stuff but conmes home for sex etc. i have been rebuilding friendships with my girlfriends, spending more time with my family, joined a womens' gym etc. I am a reasonably attractive, educated, funny, compassionate, intelligent woman who feels sad, used, deceived, stupid and humiliated because we socialise with some of the women he texts or messages on facebook. The way they smirk at me speaks volumes. I'm sorry to hear your story because i know how much it hurts. I had been single for 13 years before meeting this man and am scared of being alone for the rest of my life. But i can honestly say that i would rather be alone than hurt. Good luck to you, from one woman to another xx

Most men cheat. They do it for many reasons to include low self esteem, the ego boost it gives, to feel understood, to escape and avoid their own issues, for variety, because they're weak, etc. What usually stops them is when they suffer the loss of someone they really love and cause havoc in their own lives. You two haven't been together that long, and now he is linked to this girl for life. I can't say that he won't do it again. The military has an even higher rate of adultery and divorce. Only you can say if this relationship is worth salvaging.