Long-term Boyfriend Living A Double Life

My boyfriend and I have been together for 3 1/2 years, and like most relationships of that time, we have been seriously discussing marriage. We had plans of getting married and starting a family and everything in my life seemed to be fitting right into place. He lost his job a few months ago and has been trying to find a new one, and in the meantime, I have been supporting us both. I have grown extremely close to his family, in particular his Mom, and our families have gotten along really well together. My family loved him and his family loved me. No one could wait for it to be official and that ring to be on my finger. I was blissfully happy. He made me happy and always told me how happy I made him. This past weekend, trying to forget about stresses of work for me and him being laid off, we went out to dinner and it was probably one of the most relaxing dinners we have ever had. We decided not to talk about anything stressful and just enjoy each others company, which we did, and it was great. Little did I know that within the next few hours, my life was about to change completely. When we got home, he went right on the computer and was emailing. I happened to look over and could see clear as anything the email "I'm home. Love you baby and I cannot wait to live with you and raise our kid.".......... My jaw dropped. I calmly went to the bedroom, got his phone, and went through it, something I have not done before because I never had any reason to. He never gave me a reason to suspect anything. I found a number, ironically right before mine in his contacts list, and it was a girls name I did not recognize as any of his or our friends, and I quickly put the number in my phone. I told him I had to get something out of the car and went outside. Going merely on my gut, I called this number, and although it was very late at night, she answered. I told her I am x's girlfriend and I need to know her relationship with him. She sounded shocked and said excuse me? I repeated myself, and she answered, no, I'm x's girlfriend. I said no, I am. I have been for 3 1/2 years, we share a life together and we are planning on getting married. She told me they have been together for 2 years. I asked her if she is pregnant and she said she thinks so. Not able to say anything but repeating 'oh my God, oh my God,' we said goodbye and I went back inside. I confronted him and told him that I know everything. I know he has been with her for 2 years and that she is pregnant. He flipped out and started screaming at me and putting all the blame on me saying that it is my fault for calling her and I ruined his life now. He literally went crazy, never once admitting anything or taking responsibility. He lost his mind, and ended up in psych ward, leaving me on the floor, crying, shaking, confused, destroyed. In the days that followed, the other woman and I texted one another and basically compared notes. Turns out, he would have her there while I was at work, or would go to her house, and then I came home not knowing anything. She had no idea about me and said that she has been suspicious of him but he always had excuses and she believed them all. Now, while I hate him for what he has done to me, I am so torn because you do not fall out of love with someone overnight, so I am concerned about him and I want to see him and say some things to him and feel that he owes me that, but at the same time, he makes me sick. I am still numb, and I have so many questions and need answers, but don't know if I will ever them. I cannot believe that any of this has happened.
lostandconfused121 lostandconfused121
4 Responses Sep 21, 2012

I am so going through the same thing right now. I'm having a really hard time dealing with this and I feel like no one understands me.

I understand you. I'm going through something really similar. I need people to talk to who get it...

I know that feeling all my friends don't get it. If you need to talk I would be more than willing to listen.

Please read my response below, as it was intended for you as well. I understand what you are going through and I am here to listen and talk if you nee to!!! You are not alone!

It is truly sad how many people go through something similar to what I went through. Of course you are having a really hard time dealing with this because for lack of a better phrase, it ******* sucks! In my situation, I am fortunate to have a very supportive group of family and friends, but, to be honest, none of that matters. It's ok to feel lost and to have a hard time. It is only natural. No one can tell you how you should or shouldn't be feeling, because you're right, they don't understand. Since writing my story on here to share, things got worse before they got better. Against everyone's advice, I continued to speak with my ex and then slowly began spending time with him again. It is hard to explain. It is not that I wanted to be back with him, I literally hated the guy for what he did to me, but I felt like I just wasn't at that point yet where I could walk away and not look back. Then, one day, it happened. I had enough. I said what I wanted to say, and I walked away. Hurt, absolutely, but I walked away and I did not look back. No one believed me that I was not tying to get back with him, but I honestly wasn't. I felt the same way you do, that no one was understanding me, and the truth of the matter is, they don't. We can offer support and guidance on here for you, but ultimately, it comes down to you, and you alone. We understand exactly what you are going through and I offer you any support I can give you. When you feel like no one is understanding you and maybe, if you have family or friends like mine, everyone is offering their opinions on what is best for you, remember this quote of Jimi Hendrix- "I am the one that has to die when it is my time to die, so let ME live MY live." You need to do what you feel is best for you, because obviously, he was thinking of himself, so its time to think of you. No one deserves to be cheated on or taken advantage of, I know that I didn't and I would bet that you didn't either. Just remember to breath and eat, cause its real important and I know I had to remind myself to do it when it felt like my world was caving in. I wrote this story on here a year and a half ago. I promise you that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. If someone would have told me a year and a half ago when this all come out, that I would be where I am today, I definitely would not have believed them. This too, shall pass. Just know that you are not alone and there are people that understand exactly what you are going through..... I am here for you if you need!!!!

1 More Response

That's exactly what happened to me on New Years Eve. Im looking for answers in online cos he couldn't gave me one. How did you managed to get thru that, because I can't.

I am sorry, I did not see your message sooner. I know that you wrote this back in January. I hope that things have started to get better :) You CAN get through it!

That just happened to me a couple nights ago...together 2 yrs; joined my church; read the Bible together and never went to bed without praying together. We fell in love with each others family; talking marriage and children. His favorite hobby was going to the gym for hours 5-6 nights a week and stayed he at my place every single weekend. Perfect kind-hearted man...no warning signs then BAMM! That woman's intuition signaled not even knowing why.

I broke into his Facebook account and found out that he was cheating on me from day one! He would meet up with multiple women right after he left my house on the weekends. I saw that he even told them "I have a girlfriend and we are in love is that a problem for you?" and "we are getting married 1day, but not 2day lol". He even introduced me to a few of them...I feel so embarrassed and humiliated. I don't even want to show my face at church because he told everyone we have marriage plans in the near future and we always go to church together ever Sunday...my mother and father cares for him like their own son. I have no clue what to do. #inthesameboat ;(

Wow! That's horrible! I'm so sorry!