I Can't Get Over It...help!

I've been married to my husband for almost ten years....we've been together since may of 2003. We were high school sweet hearts, broke up and would get back together after we graduated, then finally reunited over 10 years ago. Everything was good...I thought, for years....until I went for my yearly exam at my gyno in November of 2008. I got a call back from my doctor a few days later, and she told me that I had chlamidiya (sp?). I completely freaked out! I knew I hadn't been with anyone else...so I waited until my husband got home from work, and I told him about it. At the time, we we're having some issues...like him lying about stupid stuff, and I started thinking...if he's lying about things that don't matter, what else is he lying about? Well, his reaction from the std...nothing. I was flipping out, and he kept telling me that those tests have false positives sometimes...so that had to be it, he kept telling me. I don't know if it's a womans instinct or what, because I knew something was wrong. Over the next 4 days I kept asking him about it, and he kept denying it. Then one day when he was at work, I decided to check out his computer. I found several **** web sites that he had been looking at, and I checked his bank account, and he had went to a clinic to get checked for STD's THAT DAY!!! I aske him about it when he got home, and he got overly defensive with me. Then he walked out of the room, turned around crying like a baby, and told me that he hated himself for what he had done to me. He still hadn't actually said the words to me that he cheated. So the next day he left for work, I called his cell phone right after I heard him drive off, he picked up the phone already crying. I asked him point blank..."Were you with someone else?", he said yeah. So of course, I responded with I hate you, and you can imagine the rest. But what was so stupid about this is that we had both been so lonely while being together the whole time. Our big problem always was him not being able to open up to me. I loved him so much, I figured all he needed was time. But with time it got worse and worse. He says now that he sees that all of it was his fault, he pushed me away for years, so if either of us was going to cheat, it should have been me! But I'm not like that...never have been. Anyways, it's been 4 years since I found out about the infidelity, yet I still can't get over it. It's like everytime I make a little progress, I find him looking at ****...and there we go again. Why am I not good enough? I give him everything...I'm 35 years old, and I kinda need to make a hard decicion. Do I want to spend the rest of my life hurting...or leave the man I am madly in love with? Please help me....
HunnyPoohM HunnyPoohM
31-35, F
3 Responses Dec 5, 2012

Listen to your intuition. My husband of 30 years just confessed to multiple betrayals that occurred from the very beginning of our marriage up until his confession. For the entire length of our marriage he denied any involvement with anyone else when I questioned his lack of intimacy. He twisted it around and blamed me for even questioning his fidelity, and said I had deep rooted trust issues. I am now struggling with depression and learning how to trust myself again. Your story was my story several years ago. My husband still wants to save our marriage, but I am not convinced that after so many years of deception that trust and love can be found again. You are young enough to seek help in your marriage to see if you both can learn why this problem exists and if you might turn it around. Do not make the mistakes I made......I turned off my inner voice and hoped he was telling me the truth because it was what I wanted to believe. 30 years of not being true to thine self. Be good to yourself.....if you are not no one else will either.

I've told him before that I was gonna go have sex with some other guy before, and he got mad...actually very upset. But the fact that he can't seem to stop looking at **** really bothers me. We do spend quite a bit of time together now, but the hot spontaneous sex thing...not so much. It's so hard for me to want to have sex with him...all I picture is him having sex with another woman...her hands all over him, his hand all over her...gross! And I think that when we do have sex, he's picturing the **** girls. I will NEVER look like that! It's like he just cannot stop hurting me. It's like right when I'm getting over the last thing he did, he does something else! I just want to leave so bad sometimes....I really think I would if I had the money....I'm tired of being sad...

This is so silly. Indidelity is not the end of the world. If you associate the infidelity with your self value that is never going to work. You are fine as you are. He had or has a need that someone else just happened to make themself available to fill a mutual need that they shared at that time. It is not the right but it happens. Tell him that you are going to even up the score by getting some on the side so that things will be even. If he freaks out you know his love for you remains, but if he takes offense just know that most likely he is a serial cheater. There are methods to minimize the opportunity for that negative behaviour, mainly by spending more time together and spontaneous hot sex.