Can I Ever Really Get Over This?

a year ago my partner cheated on me. i knew in my heart something wasnt right and one night i found a secret phone he had which revieled hed been sleeping with 2 different woman. im the type of woman that needs to know everything so i found out every single detail. i even went round to confront one of the woman but they wouldnt answer the door. more secrets came out, one of the woman he got pregnant and she lost it. to add insult to injury i cant get pregnant. my partner ended up trying to take his own life because things got that bad for us. its been over a year and i just dont feel like i can close this chapter of my life.i still feel betrayed and never really got the answers i was looking for. i keep asking why did he do this, and keep thinking it was me, that i wasnt exciting enough for him or he didnt want me. over time its crippled my self worth and even now i look for the slightest thing that he might be doing it again. i will never believe that he wont cheat on me again. i just feel torn apart by this. some times when im looking at him all i can see in my head is him in bed with one of the other woman. he was doing this for 6 months. it makes me feel sick thinking about it, all the lies and the things he did to decieve me were very clever. can i ever get over this? will i constantly be looking at things that are not there in fear of him cheating again. how do i get my confidence back because i just feel so unloved and ugly
zmc1 zmc1
26-30, F
7 Responses Dec 6, 2012

Launica I don't think it's so etching that will ever leave me either. Once someone has broke your trust its broke forever. My partner has a lot of issues with his father as well similar to yours.
My partner struggles to talk...mostly because he can't seem to find the right words to describe what he's feeling. He is, some might say, very emotionally retarded.
We have looked into couples councelling but they want like £80 an hour and that's relate!!! Unfortunately it's will open up financial difficulties if we do go for that.
I know that I'll never truly believe him 100% but I think that's natural after what he's done.

This is something that you may never truly get over. It becomes easier to deal with. There was a time when it was all I could think about, and I would just cry. Its like how can this man who you loved so much just give your love away like nothing. My man also has alot of anger issues, things that happened during his childhood, no father in his life that could have something to do with they way he is and that could be the same for yours as well. But you must not blame yourself. It was not something that you did, it was him. You said he doesn't talk, but im sure alot of things that happen in relationships could be avoided if the people involved would just TALK about what's bothering them.

Maybe you and him could try couples counseling? If you have been together that long, and you both truly see a future together, maybe that's a way to go. You both have to want it.

As far as the trust thing, at least in my experience, it never comes back 100%. Im sure everyone is different, but in my case, and in friends cases, you will always have that little voice at the back of your head going "do you REALLY believe that? Are you SURE that's where he's going? Remember what happened LAST time?" Ijs....I don't want to be negative in any way with this advice, just being truthful. I do hope that you can work things out with him. And I hope he realizes what he has...a loving, caring, good woman at his side :)

It's nice to be able to talk to so some who understands what I'm going through. For a year I've been just pushing it back and it keeps coming up and biting me, which is why I wanted to find a site like this....to try and reach out and find people who have had the same experiences as me...and hopefully we can share all of this and help each other through.

Reborn...we have been together nearly 7 years. It's hard because if we had only been together a year I would have walked away no questions when he cheated on me...but 7 years is a long time...it's a lot of history. Our lives are entwined.
When we first met he was the perfect guy. Sweet, so attentive and always doing little things to show he cared. That's the guy I fell in love with and that's the guy I'm trying to get back.

He's got a lot of complications, his x wife is a complete ***** who uses their 2 children against him. I got on really well with his kids and after one thing or another she turned them against me so he's in the middle because his kids want a relationship with him but one that doesn't include me which is very hurtful because for 4 years I did everything for the kids and his mother and x wife have poisoned them.

I'm trying to make him realise that he needs to think about someone other than himself. He's capable of it because he was selfless when we first met.
We are so similar and want the same things...neither of us want to get married or are bothered about kids and want to have fun and live life to the full...but his issues are a bit problem at the moment.
For a little while things are good then it just slips back and we end up having a massive aruement then it's ok again but it's the same pattern over and over

zmc1....your relationship is VERY similar to mine. my guy also has all those issues you mentioned plus some.
it hard because i know that we as the women in their life really want soooo much to help them thru their pains. and maybe then if they are thru those pains, they wont treat us bad anymore and they will be able to fully love us in a way that we need and want and all will be happy...
we stay with them because we love the man who is struggling to get out from under all his burdens.

the problem is that sometimes by trying to save them, we end up killing ourselves, our own spirits, our own need for a healthy and loving life.
they drain us dry of our energies.
as far as the monitoring goes...i also had that happen to me. he was all open for awhile and then we got in a fight or something( i cant even remember) and all passwords etc were revoked from me. we made up and i never did get the passwords back.
inevitably, he cheated again....he was again in a position where he thought he could get away with it...so he tried.
its just a sad cycle that him and i both engaged in.

my part is now to figure out WHY i feel like i needed to KEEP RELEARNING those lessons from him. why i continued to put my self into a vulnerable position. it sux to have to look at yourself years down the road and wonder why the heck i kept putting up with it when all the signs were STILL there...

how long have you and your man been together?

Reborn...for a while he wasn't allowed to pass lock his phone and I monitored his Internet usage and could track him on his phone so I knew where he was and this was helping me in a round about way but then slowly it all stopped and the lies sorted again. Hiding stupid things like buying stuff and whatever. I don't believe I've got all the information he could possibly give me but then even if he says I know everything ill never think its the whole truth.
He started councelling after the suicide attempt but never continued with it, problem is he's got a lot of issues to do with not seeing his kids, his x, his family, father, not to mention anger issues, lying tendencies and he won't talk. He finds it difficult to speak about anything. All this added up our relationship is at an all time low because its always me he seems to vent his anger out by making me feel like ****. I've supported him 100% but don't have the strength anymore.

it sounds like you are still in a state of shock/confusion/depression. that can happen when we dont get all the information that we need to move forward.
Has he done any counselling? shown great remorse? made himself accountable?
will he comply with your requests to have him open up his life to you and hand over his freedom and privacy to you for as long as it takes to help you heal?

Therapists and research shows that only if the previous actions are implemented will there be a real chance at any healing by the betrayed partner. This can take 2 years of a LOT OF WORK before any headway can be made. Your partner gave up the priviledge of being able to maintain a "free, private and unaccountable life" when he made the decision to a) cheat and b) remain in a relationship with you after the fact.

Dont feel guilty about demanding what you need to move forward.

If he cant or wont comply- the decision is yours as to whether or not you want to remain living with a low-self esteem, invalidated and distrustful of him. In other words living a life of FEAR.
and that FEAR WILL BE DAILY. and probably permanent.

if you decide to leave and start again...yes- it will be filled with FEAR as well..The difference will be that eventually, the fear associated with a new life WILL SUBSIDE.