I Dreamt I Died Last Night

My fiance (together 7 years, engaged for 4.5) has been indulging in various forms of "indiscretions" ever since we have gotten together. Inappropriate internet/email connections, dinner dates, inappropriate "partying", etc. We have had two short 'time-outs' and the first thing he's done both times is rush off to date other women.He is extremely insecure-always has been- and needs the validation of other women to prove his worth-especially during times of stress in his life.
He is a highly accomplished man, excellent shape, very handsome, talented, educated, and worldly. He has forged this new 'indestructible and grand persona' for himself in order to compensate for the small, scared, and lonely little boy that still dwells inside him feeling unloved and worthless. Classic split personality due to childhood traumas. He has been trying over the years to integrate all the scattered pieces of his soul by attending therapy, etc but it seems to be a sloooow process and I dont think he has actually gotten to the root of it all yet and is just superficially strengthening himself (ie. more goals, exercise more, take a vacation, etc). Personally, what I believe he NEEDS is to be re-born. He needs that little boy inside to be told its ok now and no one else is going to hurt you anymore. He needs to be the parent to his little boy that his own parents never were. Only then can he feel genuine self-love. And with self-love will come the ability to 'functionally' love others.

.I left him a week and a half ago after I received news of his being spotted out in another town on one of his dinner dates. I confronted him and he lied, lied and lied some more. He lied to cover up his lies! Of course, I didnt believe a word he said. Me and my two teenage kids moved out.

He has been begging me to come back ever since. Crying, gifting me with flowers, cards, etc, emails/texts (until i blocked him), etc.
He attended a webinar about infidelity and is continuing to see his therapists BUT NOW will be dealing with this issue along with the others.
I truly believe that he is remorseful and I truly believe he does love me. Paradoxes are all around us.

But here I am left angry, sad, confused and skeptical about everything. All normal feelings of course. And I am strong enough to get thru them all. This wasn't my first foray into life teaching me the lessons I need to learn about MYSELF. And...Lord knows, there will be more....

Sooooo.....I dreamt I died last night.
I was driving in a car AWAY from a confrontation with my Ex, who in my dream I had caught again with other women (jeezuz...cant even get away from the BS in my dreams!). As I was driving, the car slipped out of control and careened off a cliffs edge. I recall glancing out the window to assess the situation with hopes that maybe it would be a short drop and I would be ok. I took one look out the window as I was tumbling down and viewed only a never-ending steeply sloped cliffside filled with obstacles. I KNEW that only death awaited me at the bottom. Immediately I felt a sense of resignation and then peace in the midst of this disaster and spoke out loud in the dream to myself "You're going to die. Yep, you're going to die but that's ok."

The next thing I knew I was standing outside of a conglomeration of very weathered and rustic wooden buildings. They didn't look like much. I walked around until I found a doorway and went inside to find a lineup of people huddled into one small room barren except for one countertop. Every single person in there looked downtrodden and apathetic. Most were disheveled, wearing slovenly clothes, uncombed hair. All in all a rather pathetic bunch. But I could FEEL their sorrow hanging densely in the air; an invisible cloud that somehow seemed to trap them there. I asked the person at the end of the line what was going on? where were we all? and what was everyone waiting for? I was told that I was in the waiting area. This is where we go to wait for "The Call". It was explained to me that just across a small alleyway there was a different building where life continued on in purposeful and fulfilling ways. A door opened and -sure enough- only 15ft away I was able to glance into another building quite similar in style to the one I was already in. BUT instead of pitiful people mourning around as an inept group, I saw the vibrancy and action of those who are living their lives with meaning. They were hustling and bustling, laughing and loving. And it must be pointed out that they did not appear to be living so-called perfect lives either. I saw children crying while their frustrated moms dealt with them and men rushing with that urgency that screams "I'm late!" It looked like this possible 'Heaven' was exactly like Earth as I had known it before my death! I noticed however, that no one there paid ANY ATTENTION to those of us standing across the alleyway; they were too busy living their own lives and reveling in their "heaven".

With a heavy sigh and a pained look, the people in the "sad" building where I still was told me that it was only when you got the "call" that you could head over to the other side. And apparently there was only going to be ONE person called over within the near future. I felt in my heart that I was going to be the ONE called. I knew it. I just did NOT belong in the sad building. I wasnt ready to succumb to despondency like the others clearly had. But I also decided that I couldn't 'wait'. I had no time to wait and what was the purpose of that? There were people living and growing and learning RIGHT ACROSS THE ROAD, for crying out loud! Why the hell was I going to obediently "wait" for some unknown voice in the wilderness to direct when OR if I could make a meaningful life for myself? Nope....I wanted to keep the adventure going and I was determined to get myself into that 'happy' building one way or another.

Not even sticking around long enough to say a good-bye, I headed back out the door and wandered around amongst the outlying buildings(that all looked the same I might add) using only my inner compass to direct me. Eventually I found myself in an alleyway again and facing a building showcasing a huge set of wooden roll-up double doors with flaking paint and hanging from a creaky and rusted support system. I KNEW that behind these doors was the "heaven"; that place alot like my previous home. Filled with new adventures for me to undertake and new dreams to explore. It wasn't going to be perpetually beautiful or easy or magical. There was going to be still many lessons yet to be learned and some of them might even be hard. But they would all be worth it- this I knew. And I also knew that I would be grateful for all those lessons waiting for me behind these doors- yep, all of them- the good, bad and ugly. Because that is what I was here for. To be reborn, to be living my life in this "Heaven."

I admit I then felt a small sense of apprehension; I was worried for a moment that maybe I really shouldn't be here. That there was a good reason we had to "wait for our call". I looked around- no one was in sight. So then I shook those paralyzing thoughts off with another thought- one that I have had many many times over the years- the thought that I was born to be free to be who I am, born to be a bit of a bad-a$$ and not follow the rules, and born to be living a life of many destinies untold.

There were steel bars placed low on the doors near the ground intended as the handlegrip. As I leaned over and was getting ready to hoist up those huge heavy doors that opened into my new life I distinctly recall mentioning to myself "Huh...Heaven's gates look like this, hey? A little bit worn for the wear...no perfectly angelic Pearly gates here, that's for sure! Ah well... let's get them up and see what transpires next, girl...."

It was then that I woke up. I guess that means I opened those doors and ended up right here right now where I am. Living my Heaven on Earth life and all that entails.

(maybe in my next dream I can at least get a fully illustrated guidebook of this "Heaven"...NO? ok- how about a map then ....something to help me know where I am and where I'm going???!!....C'mon...smoke signal even?? )


RebornThruDeath RebornThruDeath
41-45, F
Dec 6, 2012