Hurt And Grieving

A few weeks after my husband and I first heard the heartbeat of our child, I discovered a picture of him with a half-naked girl on his phone. Through a gradual unveiling of truths, he now has admitted to having sex with an employee of his a year ago. "It was only a few times and it was just sex" he says, as if that makes it a softer blow to me and I should just get over it. This coming after we've had a few years worth of escalating arguments about his addiction to **** and his flirtatious relationships with all kinds of young women. And a persistent lack of interest in intimacy with me.
As I type, my little baby is pounding on the wall of my belly. I am now 5 months pregnant and so conflicted. This was supposed to be the happiest time of my life. I feel disgusted and humiliated. I stubbornly refuse to place any further expectation on my husband. "Do whatever you want, indulge yourself in looking at whatever you want. Just know that there will be consequences. I am not your mother. I am your equal partner who deserves respect and to be cherished." If it weren't for the baby on the way I would not have hesitated to leave him.
This is my first admission of this, but it seems safer in the anonymity of the online world. A month or so ago, I began a relationship with a man. I was in a world of hurt and craving physical comfort. I basically needed a hug and to feel like an attractive person again. He fulfilled those needs. He is a kind person who has many qualities that I always desired in a husband. So, the situation has become more complicated as I contemplate my next move, but I am happy when I am with this man. He knows the full situation... the baby on the way, the wayward husband, etc.
As far as my relationship goes with my husband, it is icy, awkward, conversation only when needed. We are basically separated but living together. He is working on recovery from his addiction and counseling to work through his past hurts. Basically doing what I wanted him to do a few years ago. However, I am not who I had been. I am broken and when I think about forgiving and moving on, I become angry and think "it's not fair". He doesn't deserve my forgiveness. I recently asked him to tell me what he thinks I deserve. Then what the baby deserves. Then what he deserves. I did not comment on his answers. I wanted him to process everything for his own realizations. He has apologized, but the message I received in his apology is that he wants me to forgive and forget. So, he is still focused on his needs and his desires.
Anyone have some helpful feedback for me? I would like to start to move forward for the sake of the baby, but get confused about where to begin.
Rosie201 Rosie201
31-35, F
1 Response Dec 9, 2012

I'm sorry you're going through this. I can't imagine being pregnant and heartbroken. Have u considered going to counseling with him? It might provide healing and mutual respect. Good luck to you.