It's Gone - How Can I Let Go Of These Feelings?

1. We agreed to have a bit of fun. We both saw other people. Girls probably always do better though in this kind of situation. Her affair lasted for about a year, caused problems and she fell in love with him. I put up with it, as I had agreed we could have fun. I casually dated a few people but nothing took off probably because I wasn't really trying, thinking my wife would eventually be back when she had followed her whim and got bored. We had had problems before agreeing to all this. People always always seem to think we are a good couple.

I finally got angry with her affair, and the fact that it took up most of her time. I got very busy, as work had become much more demanding, and never got round to seeing anyone. She had many problems with him as he had a wife. They split, and I let her know I wanted to move on. She agreed. I knew she would have gone with him if he'd dropped his wife. I sometimes wish she had.

About a year later, when we were having more problems and she had been very depressed it came out that she'd been seeing him again. This was the first lie. I'd thought she was depressed because she was recovering, it was actually the stress of lying to me which seems to have caused it. I said that we would be finished if she saw him again. I tried to forgive her, I don't think I ever really did. We got worse. She was more depressed.

We had an unofficial break from each other. I bought a house and she went away, out of the country for a while. I was very busy. I visited her. We never got better. She met lots of new friends and appeared to have recovered. She returned, I was ready to work on all our problems, but things were immediately worse.

I moved away - another unofficial break. She visited. We met one of her friends from her time away. He seems to be a good guy. I knew something was on. I found out. She had left her laptop on. They were clearly together. I knew she 'd met him immediately after she'd gone away. I knew then that I should have left her already. It was very painful to read and to realize that I had really lost her. I let her know. I was very angry. She understood why. She went away.

She's visiting and we're going on holiday. I regard it as our last. I think she does too. I realize I have been alone for a long time.She hasn't been with me for years. I am very, deeply angry. I have never felt like this. I always cared about what she wanted and thought, but I also never looked out for her and myself enough. If I had, I would have never agreed to anything. I feel I've wasted my best years.

I don't know how to let go of these feelings. How can I let go of them? I don't think I will ever forgive her, or myself. It will always be with me. I still care about her future, but I don't care about us anymore, we don't exist together. It's gone. I don't want us anymore.

2. Wednesday 24th January
The holiday has been and gone. It was a good holiday, but there was a lot of anger, and I treated her badly at points. I couldn't control my anger at times, and wanted to know much more than before. She hated the questions but answered many. I knew it was hurting me, but I had to know certain things. I feel I have forgiven some of what she's done. When you look deeply and objectively at yourself and your partner, you can often see where and how you were also at fault.

I said goodbye to her at a train station. I broke down as the train left. I have never felt so sad that I couldn't stop myself from crouching down with my hands over my face and weeping. I shouted and hit the steering wheel of the car as I drove away. I found a town with a square where I could sit in the sun. I drank coffee and then a glass of wine, it was one of the hardest moments of my life.

I want to be friends with her. I hope this will happen. I'm not convinced. In time all things move forward. I want to meet a different person now. I know more about who I am. I'm in my thirties and have more practical ideas. I asked someone out. She's intelligent, young and interests me. I'll see if we gel.
Indignant77 Indignant77
31-35, M
1 Response Dec 12, 2012

Thanks Sammy. If anyone is reading my account, I've updated it (Wed 24th Jan, 2013)
I've learnt something; Looking after those you love doesn't mean that you always let them do as they wish. It means that you have to watch them and notice that they are unhappy, and do something about it. Don't just put your head in the sand like I did.
I could have rescued our marriage, but didn't notice the opportunity when I had it.