Can't Decide

I can't decide whether or not to end my relationship with my boyfriend. We've been together for two years and we have been deeply in love. We've discussed getting married someday and we had always promised each other we'd be faithful. His ex-girlfriend had cheated on him and he knew the pain. He said he never wanted to inflict that pain on me.

Back in July I noticed he was beginning to hide his phone from me and that he was talking A LOT about a girl he used to work with. Whenever I'd go to touch his phone he'd ****** it away and if I ever tried to look at the screen he'd just press "Lock Screen" so I couldn't see it. He was changing too, getting meaner and more distant. He would begin complaining about this girl he worked with and then make the same complaints of me ("You're shallow." "You're a *****.") and what not. Then, he'd turn around and praise this girl. While I was at work and after he was already out of work he'd "nap" for a good two hours and disappear. I wouldn't get any texts from him. I caught on to what he was doing in the first couple of weeks. I confronted him about it early on and he denied it. He also wouldn't let me anywhere near his work anymore. I managed to see a text from her once and it was a cute flirty one. I knew in my heart what he was doing but I couldn't bring myself to break off this love I thought we had until he admitted to what he did.

September rolled around and he didn't admit anything to me. Instead, one day a friend of his other girlfriend saw us at the store. She told me that him and his co-worker were "dating" behind my back. But she also said he never was around and never went to see this girl, ever. He was always making excuses to not see her. I went to another one of his co-workers and she said the same thing. They had broken up in early September, though, about three days before we ran into the friend. He still denied it, though. And was getting progressively meaner to me. He even mentioned his friend at the end of October saying we were no longer together. But I never even knew we were broken up. I couldn't leave him because we are living together (it's a complicated living situation).

Finally, I took his old phone (he had bought a new phone in August) and searched through his messages. Low and behold I found the solid proof I needed. There was a whole two week's worth of conversations with this girl. "I miss you sooo much! Parting ways is so hard!" "You're my beautifully amazing angel." "You know you want me." All of the things he had at one time told me. I threw this in his face and he didn't deny it. Didn't fight back. Instead, him being a man who never cries, lay on the floor in a ball sobbing. He didn't stop for and hour.

He told me he was trying to forget about what he did. He didn't want me to break up with him, he couldn't bare it. We had begun to build a life together and he couldn't even look at our room everyday, seeing everything that we've made, knowing what he did. He couldn't stand himself and that's why he had begun to be so mean. He didn't understand why I was still with him. He had begun to smoke cigarettes from all of the stress and, even as his other co-worker told me, he had tried to break it off early on. The co-worker I talked to said he had been cruelly mean to her, possibly because he had begun hating her. She said that they were complete jerks to each other for most of their "fling". He told me it was only texting. In all of the texts I saw, he was always making an excuse not to see her or hang out with her. But there are still times where it seems more likely he had been with her. He also told me he did it because our relationship wasn't going well at the time. He thought I was going to leave him and that's also why he told his friend we were broken up.

He cried for the most part of a week. I decided we should try to salvage our relationship. I see all of those people who cheat and are actually regretful and wish they could make it better. I think that's my boyfriend. The girl no longer works with him, he lets me come to his work whenever I want, he's always nice to me, apologizes a lot, cut off all connections with this girl, has been doing extremely nice things for me, lets me look at his phone and Facebook montiring who he talks to. He's actually trying to make things better.

My only concerns are the fact that he went on with it for so long. If he cared for me and wanted out of their relationship, why didn't he just do it? He said he was afraid she'd tell me and because she was a co-worker, screw up his job position as assistant manager. But still, it was so long. And I believe he's lying about never having gotten physical. Also, he had her picture and phone number on his phone until the end of October. He also talked to her until the end of October, just nothing flirty. Only polite conversation.

I just don't know if I should leave him.

(Sorry for the long post. Once I started, I couldn't stop."
remibean remibean
22-25, F
2 Responses Dec 14, 2012

I am a firm believer in "once a cheater, always a cheater." I've been cheated on once before, never done the cheating. The thought of my ex GF screwing around with another man, making love to someone else then coming to my house and telling me she loves me, disgusts my core.

We dated for a couple years, talked about marriage etc, but after she cheated I had to leave. I could never trust her again.. It hurt me so deeply. So much time wasted, so much unnecessary stress... but I moved forward and I have found someone who loves me unconditionally.

I couldn't bring myself to forgive such an unforgivable act. I applaud you if you can, but I feel the trust will never be the same.

Good luck to you.

I've been thru this a few times (I'm old). He sounds suitably contrite. I think you should give him a chance, but not 100% trusting. If he screws up again, dump him. But give him a second chance

That's what my mom has been telling me.i just wanted an unbiased opinion on the matter. Thank you! That was helpful!