Wife Had An Affair, I Gave Her Chances, And She Keeps Messing Up

I've been married to my current wife for just over six years, been together for just over eight years. I'm currently 32 and she just turned 29, so she was forcibly married when she was 23 when we've been together for just over two years. I say forcibly due to cultural reasons and unfortunate events, and I don't want to get into the details of that, but that was the circumstances.

We don't have the best marriage ever, but it worked very well, in my opinion. For many years, we had the same job schedule, but she didn't like her job, so after five years, she quit and took two part-time jobs with varying schedules that makes her work all kinds of hours, so we could no longer carpool everyday as we usually do. I also took a new job that was more demanding, so I didn't get to spend as much time with her in the evening. We try and are good at being intimate about once a week.

Last year, we had plans for major changes, we were planning to relocate to the West coast (currently Mid-west) where I am from, and she would be leaving her family behind, and she was ready and eager for that change. Last September, we flew out and scoped the area, and it was great. But shortly after that, I noticed her change in behavior, always on her phone texting her coworker.

Shortly after, I found out she was intimate with her coworker. It definitely hurt, because of the tons of lies and cover ups she attempted, but each of which I figured out, but for some reason, it didn't hurt as much, probably because in the past, I caught her talking to her ex-boyfriend, who she slept with before we got married, so she has had incidents in the past, which I forgave, but this current one, trumps those.

So with our current situation, I gave her a chance to work it out, I said she had to end it with her "boyfriend" for us to have a chance to work out and earn my trust again. There were FOUR attempts at this, in which each case she said we should split up and she loves and picks her boyfriend. This fifth and current time, she said it would be different and offered me a deal that said if I had caught her in touch with her boyfriend, she would pay for our divorce. She also gave me access to all her email, IM, phone, etc to enforce this. I agreed and started to monitor. I knew I couldn't trust her, because she had lied so much to try to cover up her past, but this time, she assured me, she has not had any contact with her boyfriend since our fifth try and our agreement. But in monitoring her activities, I easily see she is still talking to him, telling him she loves him, and asking him to be with her. He is currently married.

I would label my wife as nieve in many situations because she tried to be friends with this coworker who professed her loved her, and I warned her to stay away, and she said she should be able to make friends if she wanted, so I warned her, this is not right. So its not a surprise completely she is involved with her coworker. In the past, she has talked about us splitting, being single, and travelling, but she says now that is all not worth it and wants to work it out with me, yet I'm seeing she is still lying to me everyday by saying she hasn't talked or communicated with her boyfriend.

I feel very insulted, second place (like a backup), but in general, I trust her for anything else, except when it comes to her love for me and her other intimate relationships. We get along really well in general, and still kind of due, but I'm not sure if I should write this latest event off if she is unable to get her boyfriend to be with her (and be her backup) or just dump her and move on. I would believe anyone reading this, would not believe I would have given her five chances with all the lying that has been going on, but I guess I still love her and want it to work out, but it just seems so obvious, she is in love with her other boyfriend, who she tried to break up with so many times, but she picked me to be with, for now at least.

My trust in a good marriage is shaken by this, and I almost think the concept of a marriage, though it may work in few causes, will usually result in secrets, lying, and cheating, like humans aren't meant to be committed to one person. I feel like I should just divorce her, and move out West myself, and start a new life. Her family has said she is lucky to be married to me because of how we got married, and she knows that too, but these incidents keep happening, and I'm not sure she can be with me anymore. She says my ego is preventing us from working out, because we can work out, but she keeps lying about not seeing this guy, and I know she is.

As of now, I'm waiting to see what happens. I would not be all that surprised if she picked him and one day she just left me, I would not be surprised or distressed, I'm about ready to kick her out again, but I'm the kind of person that only makes decisions if I'm 99% certain its the right one, and because of that I always take long to make decisions.

When I read about affairs and bad marriages, why do people do it? It only appears its the ideal from movies that everyone wants, but it hardly works out that way, so difficult this world.
An Ep User An EP User
1 Response Jan 13, 2013

I found and read this article here, but I'm not sure it makes me feel any better: www.beyondaffairs.com/articles/rebuilding_trust_with_husband.htm