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The Tangeld Webs We Weave...

Originally Posted February 25th, 2010 at 1:02PM

OK so it all started back in November of 2009 when a good friend family friend and his wife were in need of some help. The husband (we will call him MW and her Lucy) was about to get laid off and they needed help with a babysitter, well my husband said he would be glad to help for about $25 a day, which was fine because he was on seasonal lay off, so we could use the extra cash. It was really nice actually. The four of us started to get really close. We would have dinners together a lot and just hang out. Lucy and I did a lot of girl stuff together like; getting our nails done, getting coffee, going shopping, hanging out at their house. In the meanwhile MW and Micah would do guy things…It was really nice for us to have an older couple to talk to and relate with. I would talk to Lucy and Micah would talk to MW about problems that could occur in a marriage. It started to get kind of weird, because Lucy and my husband started to text all the time, talk on the phone, it got to the point where it was weird for MW and I. Micah always wanted to go over there, I knew they were kind of close but I didn’t like it! I mean, they were our good friends, and becoming even closer with us. I just felt like we were always over there. Even though I know it was because of babysitting, I still felt awkward about it... Well I kind of got jealous for him spending so much time with her and I said something to him in early January, he replied “Honey I love you and only you! What would I want with a lady who has had 3 kids when I have you, my hot nineteen year old wife?!!" I thought “OK you're right, what am I thinking?!! I’m crazy”

Well as time goes by and I just kind of let that thought go. We keep hanging out at MW and Lucy’s house. Well my husband goes out of town at the beginning of Feb and was gone for almost 2 weeks, he didn’t even call me on Valentine’s Day, and all I got was a text… Well about the 2nd or 3rd day before he comes home Lucy calls me and tells me that she was at her doc office getting an IUD put in and was tested for all STDS. I thought to myself, “Why are you getting an IUD and STD test when first off your married, second off your husband has had a vasectomy??!” Well she sounded nervous and just came out and said "I was tested positive for Chlamydia; I called Clint and asked him if he has been cheating, he said NO OF COURSE NOT!" She then stated that the reason she is telling me is because she asked her doctor how she could have gotten it and supposedly the doctor asked her if she goes to a gym. She replied "well yes I do, why is that relevant?" and he told her that it could potentially be transferred through workout equipment and that she might want to contact that gym and tell them so they can let the other guests know. Of course we have worked out at her gym with her so that's why she is telling me. I didn’t understand how this affected me or my husband. So I call my husband after I get off the phone with Lucy, and tell him what she told me. He asks, “Why did she call you and tell you?” I tell him I didn’t know but it was weird. He agreed and actually said “gross”…..We got off the phone, and I sat there in wonder….
So I kind of freak out and did research on it and find that quite possibly I have some symptoms, which there aren’t many because it is actually known as “the silent disease”.
So Micah gets back in to town on Sunday, and I ask him to go with me to Planned Parenthood that following day, he was hesitant but still went with. So we walk in, fill out our sheets and get called back by a consultant. I tell the lady what’s going on, why we think we possibly have chlamydia and asked her if we should get tested for going to that gym, she almost laughed in my face. She told me there is no way you can get this from a gym, only through sexual intercourse. She asks if we still want to get tested. Micah immediately replies “no”. She took one look at me and asked Micah to step out of the room. When he walks out, she looks at me and says “I really think you should follow through with this test, something seems off to me.” So for my sanity I still got tested as well as got more birth control, 2 days later on Wednesday, yesterday, I get a call.........This is planned parenthood, is J there?" I replied "This is her" then she told me what I knew I was going to hear, “Ma'am you have been tested positive for Chlamydia”....I almost died! I then immediately asked the lady if at all possible to get this STD without having sex? She told me not at all. No way!!! Impossible! Unless we had sex with the same toilet seat.….MY HEART BREAKS IN HALF……I haven't said anything yet because I don't know what to say to him, do I tell her husband this? Do I talk to her? Do I talk to my husband???? What do I do? Or am I over exaggerating? Is he cheating on me????? I feel so alone right now! :(

WHAT DO I DO???????

So after writing this I sent the story in an email to my sister. She is very closely tied in with this family as well, she is actually the godmother of MW and Lucy’s kids.…. I get off work and start to head home; as I drive I call my older sister and asked her what she thought. She told me to not be naive and to call that b**ch and confront her, I told her I couldn't do that! Lucy is intimidating as hell! One of those women who everyone knows is just rude and blunt and doesn’t really like either. One of those women you just don’t call and confront. My sister talked me out of being scared, and I hung up with her and called Lucy right away, she didn't answer and yes you better believe that my heart was pounding!!!! It went to her VM! I honestly am really glad it did! So after I hung up I call her husband MW right away. I asked him what he was doing and he said driving on the highway, on his way home from snowboarding. I told him to pull over because we needed to discuss some stuff. He agreed, already knowing what I was talking about. I told him "Dude something is going on with our spouses”.....He said he knew, he had felt something different, and has also had some peculiar thoughts for a while now. I inform him that I did test positive, and that something has to be going on. I asked him what he thought we should do and he stated confront them, so after we talked for about 30 to 45 minutes on the phone about things. We actually both got a text at about the same time, his was from Lucy, asking if Micah and I can stay for pizza, mine was from Micah asking if I wanted to go to Lucy and MW’s for dinner, neither one of us replied… we both decided to go home and confront our spouses sepratly and agreed to call each other later to see what they said to one another.....

So I get home, wait for Micah, when he gets home I’m standing outside smoking. He gets out of the car and says "Hey beautiful!!! How is my lovely wife???? I looked at him and said get in the house! We need to talk!!! He looked so dam scared it wasn't even funny, I felt even sicker!!!! So we go inside and I just go off! I ask him “What is going on Micah???” He claims he has no idea what I’m talking about…He of course denies everything!!! Tells me, how could he do that? He wouldn't do that! I'm way better than her. He loves me. She disgusts him! For 3 hours he sits here and tells me all this stuff. I actually start to think I'm crazy and start believing him, thinking; how can I blame him like this??!!! What a horrible wife I am! Well thank goodness I realize I didn't have any cigarettes and said I had to go get some. So I told him I will be right back and leave to the gas station. I’m driving to the gas station and I call my sister, because by now she wants an update. Well I tell her I believe him and I don't know what to do. She of course tells me to stand my ground and go back home and tell him this is not going to work! Told me to ask him how common this STD really is??? So after getting my smokes I went home and went back inside and sat on the floor with my dog, he came and sat like 3 feet away and was trying to like cuddle me??? I told him to stop and continued on with my questioning. Well I was another ten or fifteen minutes into questioning, and then his phone rang, it was a text................. My heart literally stopped, I freaked!! I ask who is it? What does it say? The look on his face washed out, as he slowly sat up, I yelled! WHO IS IT AND WHAT DOES IT FU***NG SAY??? He couldn’t even respond to me, just slid me his phone. I pick up the phone and read a text from Lucy that says: "One time in the hallway”. I asked "What??" What is that supposed to mean??Took him a minute, but he finally said “it happened one time in the hallway….” I freaked out!! I didn’t know what to do. I stood up, paced in my house for a min, broke down and cried, I then tried to walk outta my house, and he started to try to stop me by standing in front of the door, told him if he laid one finger on me that I didn't know what would happen but it wouldn't be good so I warned him not too! I left my house calling any and every friend I could because I didn't need to be driving at this time, and I just needed someone. I called Clint to see where he was, he asked if I knew and if I wanted to meet up and talk. So we met up in a parking lot of our hometown bowling alley and sat there talking for what seemed like hours. We parted ways eventually and I went to a friends to get some rest since I had to work the next day…Clint went and got some tatto work done!?

So the next day I go to work! Wrong freaking thing to do!!! I was a wreck!!! My company was converging with Canada that day so I had to be there for this meeting which wasn’t until 11:00am!! I explain the situation to my supervisor, and he changed the meeting to 9:00AM just so I could leave as soon as possible. Shortly after that I went home. I went to Planned Parenthood, got the cure (only a drink the size of a shot glass)...Well with nothing to do at this point, I call MW…I asked what he was doing for the weekend and he said “Staying away from my house, you?” I agreed, and said we should hang out. So it was that Friday night, I’ll never forget! Mw and I decide to go full moon riding with some friends and my brother in law (sisters husband-MW’s best friend) The night was more than I could ask for, might sound dumb, but I was hanging out with MW!! M-*******-W!! Since I was a little girl MW was the hottest thing ever, I’ve always had a crush on him, but never actually thought anything of it, I mean he is my older siblings friend who ten years older than me, and MARRIED! Anyway, so we get in my car and head for the mountains. It was honestly a fun night with him; there is this one part on the highway that we took, that has a huge incline. Well as I approach it he tells me “this is it, time to test your new car! STEP ON IT GIRL!!” Just random little things like that made me forget why were even hanging out in the first place that night. We get up to our destination; there was a huge bon-fire, lots of people. It was just a different setting that we both needed. Plus he loves snowboarding, so it was good for him to be doing something he loved. Sometimes we all need a little distraction…That was the first time I had seen MW strapped into his deck with his full boarding get up on and oh MY, did it get my attention!! Well we hung out for a while; I drove them up the pass for a couple of runs. I myself even took a small run! About fifty feet, but I still did! (I’m not very good, but still love it) Then it started getting late and far too cold for me, so we decided to leave for the night, it was probably about 2 am by that point. So we drive the long drive from the mountains to my sisters and brother in laws house. Along the way we pass this truck stop that has “famous cinnamon rolls” (not worth their title) but we still decide to stop, being that is 3am and we haven’t eaten still. We sit in this truck stop restaurant off the highway, eating our cinnamon rolls in a cold leather booth and spent the time just talking. It’s hard for us to stay off the subject, but we do our best. We finish our rolls, and head back to the road. As I started to drive, I felt his hand start to creep up onto my neck and slowly start rubbing me…I couldn’t believe how good it felt to be touched at this point, after feeling so unwanted, it was mind blowing. I actually made the comment to him, “You know how good it feels to actually want to be touched?” He said he knew exactly what I was talking about, because he felt the same way. So I slide my hand onto his lap and we continue on up the highway. We finally get to my sisters after two and a half hours of driving and go inside to settle in for the night. As we lay on the two couches in the living room he asks me if I’m really going to just lay over there on this couch all by myself, I ask what he thought I should be doing. He said, well keeping him company on his couch. So needless to say, I get up and got on his couch with him. ...Of course we ended up kissing! Innocent, passionate-rebellious kisses but that’s it!!! Even though we both wanted more, we knew it wasn’t right. We both put a stop to it, however, I still to this day wonder what would have happened if we weren’t at my sister’s house, on her couch… I’m glad it didn’t though, because I didn’t want the first time with MW to be out of revenge of Lucy and Micah’s actions that put us here in the first place.
We hung out all weekend at my sister’s house just to get away from our houses, more like get away from reality for that fact. So the weekend goes on and the week starts, I go back to work on Monday and my world is back to its usual chaos. MW actually asks me to stop talking to him that week also. He wanted to work on his marriage and if I was still in contact it would only hurt it. I understood, especially with the kids. So I do the right thing and respect that, even though I didn’t want to, even though I never wanted him back with her again. Not for my sake, but for his…
Well while I was at work Monday, Micah texted me saying we needed to talk. So, on my break I called him to see what’s up. He stated nothing big he just wanted to talk and tell me things I should know about him already, stuff he has never told me, things that have been on his mind. So of course I thought about it all day, what could he possibly tell me now???? I go home that evening and tell him to start talking, so we sit and he starts going off about stuff from his child hood and all this stuff I should have known about him as his wife. Things he should have never hid from me, but is now ready to tell me. So I am listening intently and then-BAM!!! All the sudden he just comes out and says "It happened 3 times all together." I was confused at first, and then it hit me!!!
He was talking about f***ing that nasty b**ch!!!!

I almost puked! I burst into tears! I demand that he gave me every detail of every intimate moment with her!! Which happened where, who did what to who, who started it all, and unfortunately find out some pretty uncomforting things about my husband, didn’t know how sick he really was, like some mild, very mild details are, they were in the oldest kids bedroom when the youngest was sleeping in the room next door!!! WTF??? They didn’t use any kind of protection! Obviously I guess right? By this point I was literally disgusted! So I told him that for sure I wanted to leave him, told him to give me my car keys, both of our cars are mine so I took the keys and went to a friend’s house. As I’m pulling away from my house, he is practically hanging on to my car...Told him he better let go cause this new car goes fast!!!!

Shortly after that, I told him I want a divorce, made him move all of his stuff into our office, started to complete ignore him! As well I should! I had nowhere to go, technically this was still my house to so I felt it was justifiable the way I was treating him. He ruined our perfect little life I thought we had!!!
Well then time comes again for him to go out of town which happens a lot during the warm seasons. I start hanging out with friends more than normal and talking to other men and just trying to forget about Micah, well a good guy friend (Nate) and I have had some talks about what I could and should be doing, how I could and should be treated, things got taken too far. One thing led to another and yeah...We know where that goes! Nate stays the night with me, and the next day brings me a rose at work and has lunch with me! That is all I have ever wanted from a man! Just to be treated like a freaking woman for once, somebody to do something for me!!! But as time went on (6 days) I myself felt disgusting!!! I couldn’t eat right, sleep right, so distracted at work....It honestly ate me up so bad I asked Nate to stop talking to me or contacting me at all. I told him I wanted to work on things in my marriage, he told me he thought I was dumb for staying with him but he would ALWAYS be here for me. Then that same day while Micah was still out of town I called him and told him, told him everything, about MW, Nate EVERYTHING!!! Needless to say he was very upset; he hung up on me, pretty much did what I did when I found out!! Went and told his whole family, friends, what a wh*re I am, how disgusted he is by me. I knew how he felt, it sucks!!! I did feel really bad, but yet I was still so mad at myself for making such a dumb decision out of revenge, because I really don’t think I would have done it had Micah not slept with Lucy!!!
We decide to work on thing when he gets back in town, we move our stuff back into the same room, and let me tell you what! Things were so awkward!!! Sleeping next to him, making love to him, kissing him, even down to telling him I love him....I just couldn’t get her out of my mind. Anytime we did any of that stuff I could only see Lucy when I close my eyes or see him doing god knows what to her???..........

April, 2010
So I’ve been hanging out with my neighbor and she has been through some life trials like this and recommended this book to me, it’s called "The Love Dare”. It’s a 40 day journey in a book that you can take together or alone, and it is to make your marriage and love as pure as GOD's! (Micah is very religious, so I was willing to do anything) I was very excited! For some reason though we never actually started it. He ended up going out of town again, and it was never brought back up. I started to grow numb.
When he is traveling for work he usually tells me when he crosses a state line just for my piece of mind, just so I know travels are ok, not to be controlling by any means!!! This time nothing, no call, no text and before I know it he is already in Indiana by the time I got off work!!! Wow CO to IN??? So I kind of get a little hurt, kind of like why hasn’t he contacted me??? So when he finally does call me hell yeah I’m a little short with him but I kept my cool!! When he asks me what’s wrong of course I say nothing! I’m a woman! But after about 2 days of that he finally says to me "Something is wrong.....What’s up?" I tell him nothing again, he says" Bullshit! I know you and how you are, when you’re mad you give one word answers....." I tell him everything, how I am feeling! How I can’t get over him cheating even though I said I forgave him...I spill it all! He asks if I can ever forgive him and I told him probably not, I told him he is tainted to me. He broke down told me how much he loves me and how he will fight for me! Our marriage! Everything! I told him I wanted to at least separate as soon as our lease is up, and he agreed! Wow! What a crazy past 2 months my life has been!!!!


June, 2010
Ok and now I have once again freaked out and are not sure......Blah! He is still outta town and my mind is racing, I’m alone and it’s all I can think about....I’ve gotten obsessive at this point and check ing on his every move. I’ve quit my job because his idle hands terrify me. What will I ever decide?
It was the week of his 21st birthday, everything was still rocky, however no major recent bumps. It was two nights before his birthday, we were sound asleep in our room. For some strange reason I sat up straight in bed. Which I never do, but I decided since I was awake I could get up use the restroom and get some water. As I’m walking out of the kitchen I stop in the living room and sit on the couch to drink my water, and to ponder why I was awake. Literally right after I thought that to myself, Micah’s phone vibrates. Maybe at this point I was so jumpy, but I swear it vibrated the walls. I quickly realize why Im awake. I don’t even hesitate. I quickly get up and go over to his phone. I open it, and it’s a text from a random number, (which I still remember) the message reads : “Happy happy birthday Micah! I hope you enjoy your 21st! I miss you! J” I think to myself, “Ok, who in the world can this be? Clearly it’s a woman, because no guy will use that much punctuation or smileys. So once again, the ever so friendly feeling of my heart just shattering comes back all to quick. I contemplate waking him up and asking, but decide to wait till the morning. Thinking it will be better if I have all my thoughts a little more clear in my head. I tried falling asleep on the couch, but couldn’t. So I just got up for the day. Shortly after Micah wakes up, says good morning to me and starts his daily routine with smoking a cigarette in the john for about 20 minutes, then a rush to get ready. I take him to work just like any other day. Except today I decided to start up a conversation with him. I tell him “Oh by the way, you got a text, seems important. You might want to take a look. The look on his face is covered in bewilderment. He opens his phone and says “Oh a birthday message! How fun!” I ask who it is from. He tells me it’s an old high school friend he got back in touch with. No one special though. Uh, hello!? Red flag!! So I drop him off, and fly myself home. Go to my neighbor’s house to use her computer to get on Verizon Wireless to check our phone log. I’m not surprised with what I find, that this number had been contacting him now for a couple of weeks. Texts back and forth, so many phone calls. There is that alone feeling again…I call him and ask about the text that morning, told him it was bugging me. He told me it was a girl named Ann that he dated briefly in high school but was more of a friend. Apparently they got back in touch via MySpace (old-school) a couple of months ago and have just been chatting. I asked if he thought it was appropriate that he talk to another woman while being married. Micah agreed with me, apologized yet again for the umpteenth time. I begged and pleaded for him to never talk to Ann again. He promised it would stop. Well two weeks or so go by, and I am once again obsessively checking the phone log again. I see that Micah and Ann have still been talking, for at least 30 minutes a day plus texts. I hold it in for a bit, only to gather my proof. I finally say something to him, and he says “no baby, I quit talking to her just like you asked, told you I’d do anything for you. I about choked! I tossed him the phone records. I’ve become really good at shocking him as well as he shocks me. I ever so kindly point out to him that “I appreciated the text on Valentine ’s Day that you sent me, but also that I bet Lucy loved your 45 minute phone call even more! As for Ann, the conversations had better stop!” He didn’t know what to do. Neither did I for that fact. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice…well we all know that one.
Sometimes I feel like such an idiot....What should I do? I wish I just knew....Should I stay with him? Will I ever forgive him? Will I ever be what he wants? Am I already what he wants? Is this all a huge mess? Will I ever want him? Will I ever trust him? Will this feeling ever go away???
: . . (
I Love that man! He has ruined what we had! I had no control yet feel so responsible for all of this!!!!!! Did I push him away from me? Am I not good enough for him? Pretty enough?? WTF! Am I not responsible enough like she is? Do I not handle our business like I should??! If I do take you back, will I regret it?
July, 2010
Micah’s brother moved in with us back in the end of June. We all three needed the help so I couldn’t complain too much. It was still a challenge though. So it was July 2nd and Micah’s company was having their annual BBQ and Rockies game for 4th of July. As usual, we eat at the shop and head to the Rockies game afterward. Then traditionally after the game there is a firework show. Sounds like a great evening right? Let’s mix in some alcohol. Sound better? You’ll see… Well the BBQ was great! Saw a lot of people, mingled amongst the crowd, ate and then left. Stan, Micah’s brother also works for the same company. Stan is the little brother who will only do something if his older brothers do it first or with him, needless to say he stayed right by our sides all night! We decided to head back to our house for some pre-game for the underage ones. Then it’s off the game we go. Well shortly after arriving, Stan decideds to keep drinking. Micah of course was helping him by buying him beers. About the 5th inning of the game Stan asks me to come up the stairs with him and talk with him. I’m thinking, ok, my brother in law wants to chat. This is strange. As soon as we hit the top of the stands he proceeds to tell me off. Saying I need to watch what I say in front of his parents, and that I shouldn’t make Micah out to be a bad guy.(which I never did, still to this day) How this is all my fault, everything that has happened and that his mom was right when she said it the first time back in March. I just start bawling. I didn’t know how to react. I really wanted to Spartan kick him down the stairs; I was so hurt by his words! Being a company event, I didn’t want to make a scene. I quietly tell him that he will not talk to me like that, that I won’t take it then turned and walked back down the stairs to our seats. When I sat down, I was chocking my tears back so hard. Micah asked what was wrong, so I tell him. As I do I can’t help but let it all out. I couldn’t stop the tears at this point. I have this odd thing whenever I talk about my feelings, I cry. Well I probably shouldn’t have said anything because as you know he had been drinking and things just escalated from there. Some words were exchanged between the two brothers, and it was decided it would be discussed later. Which it never was. That night got brushed under the rug like it was nothing.
The holiday weekend slowly drags on in the awkward house we live in. The tension was so thick, it could have been cut through in midair. I find out that my neighbor, who was also becoming very close with me was camping with her boyfriend and some friends. She begged me to come up, said she had an extra tent and everything. So I tell Micah, we pack my car and head out! I was so excited to finally get to spend a night away with my husband! We have never stayed anywhere but our house! I couldn’t drive fast enough. We get up there and set up camp in the dark, which if you have never set up a tent. Don’t do it in the dark…it will cause fights! We finally get the tent up and start socializing with everyone. That’s about the time we noticed the animosity between the two girls there. Something was going on but we had no idea what, so we bust out our bottle of JD and offer it out. WRONG IDEA!! Booze + upset women =BAD! Micah and I stayed out of it and went to our tent. As soon as we got in our tent, he climbs into the sleeping bag and lays his head down and says goodnight. I just looked at him for a second. Smiled and said “Goodnight Micah!” Got into my sleeping bag, laid my head down with my back to him, and the tears quietly flowed down my face…
That next week I’m still pretty burnt about our camping trip. I was back to the feeling of being so unwanted by him. He actually went out of town again, thank goodness, because I didn’t want to be around him. While I’m sitting at my house alone, sulking in my sadness I checked my email. An old school family friend PDog, who is a crazy party animal sent me something. It was an email asking if I wanted to come to his now annual camping trip. This was year number two, and the tradition needed to have me included he said. I told him how I didn’t have the goods to be camping right now, no food, no tent, and no money. What Pdog did next made my heart all warm again. He told me that he would let me eat with him and his family, to not worry about a tent, or money and just get up the mountain. I almost cried. Sometimes I can be such a sally, but this time it was just nice to know I was wanted somewhere. So I head up to grand ol’ campfest to meet up with the crowd. So glad I did too, because there was approximatly 45 to 60 people there. It was a blast. A four day camping trip that I’ll never forget. The last night there was the big bad bash, so many drinking games going on, campfire singing, a live band, four wheelers and dirt bikes. It was great fun! I was playing some beer pong and I saw a white Chevy Tahoe pull in. I thought to myself “Who is this guy? Does he know he is super late??” And out pops my brother’s friend Jax, a young, feisty little thing. Cute as hell though. He’s about a year and a half younger than me, but at that point, what did I care?? I finish my game of pong, go over to my brother and introduce myself to his friend, since I’ve yet to formally meet him. Jax and I stuck together for the rest of the night. We had a couple of drinks together, and then he asked if I wanted to go on a walk with him. A walk in the mountains? Under the stars? With a cute young guy?? How could I say no? Off we wander into the woods, I tell him I’m a little scared because it is so dark, and he tells me it’ll be ok, because he wouldn’t let anything happen to me. Ok, I know, I know…Sounds sappy! As we have discovered that’s my weakness… After walking under the stars and chatting for a while, we decide to go sit by the fire to warm up a bit. It wasn’t too much longer I was yawning and he was asking for me to come sleep in his truck with him. I’ll admit, I don’t usually meet someone and get into their truck in the same day, but it’s Campfest!! The next morning, I see this sun coming up, it’s starting to get really hot in Jax's truck. I hear people up and about at the campsite. So I decided to pull myself together and climb out of the Tahoe. At that moment I wished I would have either stayed in the truck, or gotten up earlier before everyone was awake. As I’m getting out of the truck, everyone sees me, starts laughing and clapping saying, “don’t worry J, we won’t tell Micah”…I was beat red! I quickly walked away to my tent to change my clothes and as I’m doing so, I get stopped by PDog’s girlfriend. She asks me where I slept last night, I shamefully tell her “Jax’s truck….”, and then she says “Oh my god J! What happened?” Laughing hysterically, I had no Idea what she was talking about, I asked “What?! Thinking makeup is all over my face or my hair is messed up, something silly like that. She proceeds to tell me that I have hickies all over my neck, from ear lobe to collar bone. I panicked. “I am supposed to go home today. Micah will be there. Oh my god, I can’t go home, what do I do?” She kind of chuckles and says “I don’t know girl. You got yourself in a pickle there!” I find the closet car and take a look in the side mirror. Yup, sure as hell. That damn kid covered me in hickies!! Ugh! For a split second I was so irritated yet scared out of my mind. Then I realized that I didn’t care!! I didn’t want to go home anyway. It wasn’t even my home anymore anyway. So I decided to play the rest of the day, we didn’t get back into our part of town until about seven that night.
I never called Micah on my way back, when I finally did way later that night, he asked in a panic, “Where are you?” I told him I wasn’t coming home, that I didn’t want to. I don’t feel wanted there anymore. Stan was driving me insane. The fact that he took his brothers side during our little fiasco, just told him I couldn’t do it anymore. He begged me to come home repeatedly, which was only followed by my repeated declines. He packed all my things and had me come get my stuff out of his house. This is when things really went downhill for me. I started hanging out with the wrong crowd, doing things I shouldn’t have been. Having nowhere to really sleep, so I was couch hopping, sleeping in my car, at random guys houses, basically just fell off into the deep end. Trying to just find a place where I would be wanted. Never succeeding but still trying hopelessly.
August, 2010
I tried to correct all the wrong I knew I was doing by pushing myself into an adult high school to finish my diploma. I thought to myself that if I finished my high school education, maybe I could actually get somewhere in life, and not be stuck in this same old rut. School actually started on my 20th birthday, I thought it would be a positive present to myself. Which it actually was. I might have been partying every night, staying up all night, but somehow I managed to actually attend school every day. (doesn’t mean I was sober for school, but I was there) I was even doing so well with the school work itself! I was working part time in a kitchen at this point, making pizzas. Life was ok for the moment. Then all that partying caught up with me. I was so tired all the time, and in my head it was the job or school, because we know the partying wasn’t going anywhere. So I decided the job had to go and walked out on a Friday night shift. I justified it at the time with saying “my boss put me on front line when I wasn’t ready, all by myself, so I walked out”. This was only a good cover up for my personal shame that I was hiding from everyone. Then my young dumbass realized I still needed to pay this cell phone and car payment as well as keep myself alive. I didn’t care anymore and just kept partying.
Oct, 2010
I received a notice from my dad saying my car was going to be repossessed if I didn’t catch up on the payments. My cell phone got shut off. My car insurance lapsed due to lack of payment. I freaked, I was finally at my lowest low. So I made the decision to ask Micah for some help. He only agreed if I came over and had a drink with him. You think by now Id realize I should stay clear of the booze, but apparently I didn’t. So my friend Crazy and I head over to Micah’s. (I brought her as a distraction for Stan) We are all having a good time, Micah and were actually enjoying each other’s company like old times. The four of us decided to go to a haunted house, since it was October now and they were just opening. I didn’t want to, but everyone else did. I hate haunted houses, I don’t like being scared but I wanted to be around Micah. We head over the thirteenth floor, well my scared little self couldn’t even go in, so I waited in the car for them to finish the horrifying tour! Not caring if I was around Micah or not at this point. About 25 minutes later they come out, with the looks of death on their faces laughing at each other’s scared face moments. They told me all about it on the way home. When we got back to Micah’s we broke out the bottle of Vodka and started drinking! Well by the end of the night Crazy was in Stan’s room, and I was in Micah’s. I woke up the next morning and had what I thought to be the worst hangover of my life. I didn’t even want coffee!! Super alarming for me, and I made the comment to Crazy, I bet I’m pregnant! She disagreed and said I was just hung-over. I told her that I never have not wanted coffee since I started drinking it. Since Micah and I didn’t use protection, it wouldn’t surprise me.
Well I never left Micah’s house, it was my home. I wanted him back, still hadn’t forgave him but just wanted to be with him. As the month went on all I could think was that I’m pregnant. I stopped taking my birth control back in August due to not being able to afford it. My suspicions were driving me insane, so on November 2, 2010, I went and bought a pack of four pregnancy tests. I call my neighbor, who has become my best friend through all of this, and tell her what I thought. She told me to come over and take the tests at her house. So I rush over, walk in, don’t say anything to her and go take the first test. We wait. I left the test in the bathroom, so we wouldn’t peek. After abut fifteen minutes she tells me to go check. I almost couldn’t. In fear of what I knew it would say. Just as I suspected! Positive!! So for the next two hours I spend the time freaking out, double checking the result and taking two more tests. By the third test I told her that I’ll take the fourth in the morning and if it said positive too, then I was for sure preggers! She laughed, telling me, “Uh J, I think your already pregnant sweetheart!” I didn’t know how to feel, I was so excited that I could still conceive but yet so nervous to have a child with him, or let alone just have a child in general. The next morning I wake up and run to the bathroom. Pee on the stick, and once again, there was those two lines. I just started crying. Not knowing what to do. I call my friend and tell her it showed two lines again. She was so happy for me…It helped a lot, because she got my excitement up and where it should be for a new expectant mother! I couldn’t wait to see Micah now! I wanted to call him and tell him but with him out of town, I decided to wait. That didn’t last long, I told him the next day. I couldn’t contain it.
My Pregnancy….November 2010 to July 2011 At first he was very excited! When he got back home it was one big fairy tale. Or what I should have seen as a fairy tale. He would tell friends with such excitement, and when he would talk about the baby, it was beginning to seem fake. I started realizing that it was forced excitement. That he wasn’t that excited. I wanted to tell our families about the baby, he didn’t. He wanted to make sure the baby was ok before we did. I agreed, knowing that anything could happen in the first trimester, but still so excited, wanting to tell everyone. Well I respected his wishes and only told close friends who we knew wouldn’t say anything. Everyone was very excited for us, some did ask me if the baby was Micah’s, which was irritating but I could understand the questioning. I did live a crazy life style before coming home. Micah and I decided to not tell anyone until after Christmas was over. However that quickly changed when I had to call the doctor to ask some normal, new mother questions. Well silly me was using my mother’s cell phone while I was at work for the day. Well I called the doctor while I was at work, talked to them and everything. Got the info I needed from them and didn’t think twice about it. Well after I was off work, I dropped my mom’s phone off to her and went home. About an hour or two later she calls me on Micah’s phone and asks if everything is ok. I tell her, well yeah, why? She responds quietly, saying how the doctor just called to check on the baby, that’s when she asked if I was pregnant. I clearly couldn’t hide it anymore, and said yes. She said we will discuss this later, and that she loved me. She was the first person who didn’t show any emotion to the subject. I didn’t know how to feel, but it definitely made me not want to tell anyone else.
Christmas morning, at my in laws house, Micah and I take his two brothers outside to give them their presents. Micah puts one in Stan’s hands, I put one in Jim’s hands and we both said “Go!” In a racing sort of fashion they rip off the piece of paper wrapped around the gift. The basically tie each other. They realize that they are holding in their hands a onsie that read, Baby Smith~2011. The writing was in pink and blue since we did not know sex yet, but they were so excited. Both brothers grabbed Micah and gave him a big hug! Continuously congratulating him! It was pretty cool to watch that with the brothers. Then we decided to go inside and give his Mom and Dad their gifts. We told the brothers to stay outside while we did so. I head in and Micah follows me to the kitchen where his mom and Dad are getting coffee and cake ready. We ask them to join us at the table so we can give them their gifts. After this past year his family hasn’t been very fond of me needless to say. So as his mother sits down, she sighs. We hand them the gifts, and same thing as Jim and Stan, we tell them to race. They were not as into it as Jim and Stan had previously been but still participated. Once Jenna, his mother, got to the last piece of tissue paper, she says, “This looks like a onsie …It is a onsie!!” I smile at them and say “Congrats, you two are going to be Grandparents!” Jenna let out a scoff, and claims “I’m too young to be a Grandmother!” He husband Darren laughs while rolling his eyes, saying “60 is too young?! Congratulations kids, your going to be parents!!” He stands up to give us hugs, and Jenna slowly follows his lead.
Well December goes on, the rest of my family finds out through each other, I didn’t tell anyone but my father. Somehow everyone else found out before I could get to them. Anyway my pregnancy goes on. Everything with the baby and I were fine, carrying was going awesome. As for the whole being pregnant experience, that was ruined by my ever so fantastic husband Micah.
Oct, 2, 2011..............
We have broken up and gotten back together. Sadly I know he is STILL up to no good....We have the most beautiful baby girl, she’s almost 3 months now. I am finishing my high school education finally. Hopefully I’m almost done with that. Then once I’m graduated and able to work, I can’t promise my marriage will last much longer after that. I never wanted this but you will not do drugs around my daughter, or be a father while F**ked up either....It’s a sad thing what this has come too, Wish I would have stopped it in the past, but then I wouldn’t have my little love, she’s my world. I don’t regret her, and never will, greatest thing that’s ever happened to me, but sure as hell could do without him... :( One day my prince will come, one day....

Dec. 5, 2012.............
Wow I really need to update this story....you'll never guess who I now live with, MW....Yea needless to say it has been a crazy 3 years and no I’m not dating MW, Lucy left him back in May, I contacted him when I found out, and we have been in touch ever since, I am still married to Micah, however I asked for a divorce back in July, actually 2 days before our 3yr wedding anniversary, well my daughter and I moved in with MW and his 3 boys in the middle of November, I filed for a divorce about the same time. I’ve started a new job, which is very similar to the one I had left when I originally started this story, which I was in this stupid regretful stage since I left, so very happy to say thing are looking on the up and up, with a company I can actually stand!! (Have been through 5 different companies since)...I’ll keep this story going as long as I can...
Jan 2013
I’ve sadly fallen in love with MW, I know better, and have known better...…I have been in love with him since about October of 2012; I’m just now fully admitting it. I should have seen this coming. He will never be with me. He doesn’t see me like that. Unfortunately I have yet again become just a convenience…AKA piece of A**!!! L I don’t really think that’s what he thinks of me, but I’m the cow who gives the milk for free! Why should he make it more? He gets what he wants as far as what he needs from a woman. Sex, someone to talk to, someone to cuddle, someone to rub him when he is sore, or just wants to be touched. Someone to ***** to when his ex-wife is being a stupid ***** or when his friends are driving him crazy. Someone to go out with when he is bored. Someone who will still clean the house. Will wake him up with random “acts” of kindness. Everyday gets harder, I try my hardest to bite my tongue, well I have to. I can’t mess my living situation up by telling MW that I’m in love with him and have been for months now. I know he knows. He is not dumb, far from it actually. That’s another thing. He is so damn smart. It’s so hot. He isn’t the most intelligent guy in the world but he sure has his wits about him. He’s an amazing man who has been ruined by a very evil woman. A woman whom I hate with great passion. A woman who ruined to men that either were or could be the key to my happiness, but I’ll never know. She tainted Micah and crushed MW. I hate that woman more and more every day. It drives me crazy because MW talks about her a lot, almost every day. I know he is only venting but I hate to even here about her. Makes me just want to frown. Knowing she is the woman who got everything from him, and got to be everything to him, to have his kids, to be his wife, to be the love of his life, she was treated like a god damn goddess by him. Only for her to throw it in his face and basically spit back at him. I understand why he would never let anyone else that close. I do. It just breaks my heart. There is a song right now that I can’t get out of my head. It’s my song to MW, even though I’ll never tell him that. One and Only by Adele. One day I’ll learn. I know he doesn’t want to be with me. I know it will never happen. I watched a good friend do this, except she dated the younger guy, and couldn’t get past his age. She lived with him, slept with him, kissed him, acted like they were basically dating, but always reminded him how he was her “Blue eyed friend” and that it wasn’t a relationship. Well that’s exactly what MW does. SO I better pull my head out of my *** before my heart gets broken. Ah who am I to kid?? It already is broken…
Jan, 30 2013---SOmetimes I have to come back and read this, its funny cause I see how crazy I can be sometimes. Alot of things make sense when you stop and think about it. I still have alot to digest in my own head. Ive been mentally ****** and need to figure that out. I need to do me. I need to stop with the day to day highs and lows. Cause if I dont, Ill go crazy. Everyday your heart hurts more J, when are you going to learn?.......JAnuary 31st...I wrote a letter that I will give to MW one day…just don’t know when!
Dear Mr. Wonderful,
                I’ve wanted to write this to you for a while now. I finally have the courage to do so. I have a lot to say and its easier wrote than said. I cannot do this anymore; I can’t be this friends with benefit status anymore, or roommate with benefits, whatever you want to call it. I love hanging out with you more than most anything in this world, I don’t know why, I can’t explain it. I have completely fallen in love with you!! I can’t stop it, I can’t control it, I can’t hide it anymore either!! So I need to save myself and take a HUGE step back from you. Not trying to make things awkward for us, but I can’t be physical with you anymore. I hurts too much! Every time just is that much more painful to me, because I don’t think it’s the same for us. Same meaning is what I mean. Every second I spend with you, my feelings only grow deeper, especially when we are intimate, that’s the hardest. I’ve felt this way since about a month after I moved in with you! I know I promised to be honest with you but how am I supposed to tell you I’m madly in love with you? When you want nothing to do with me in that way….
                I have tried so hard to see other people, I’ve forced myself to hit on random guys, give them my numbers and so on so forth. I’ve even went as low as posting a stupid ******* ad on CL again. Nothing, not one single guy, out of the twenty that have hit me up. None have even come close to holding a candle to you. So I have to walk away from you and shut myself off. You now know my feelings on it, and you can proceed as you please. I’d be with you in a heartbeat! You should listen to this song one day, (One and Only-Adele)… I really hope you don’t take this letter how you shouldn’t, and let it scare you away even further. I hope you take an understanding of me from it. Understand how I have felt about you over the last months….All I’ve wanted is to be yours…
AS for  the what people think, WHO GIVES A ****??  It would be me and you! I’m sick of hearing that we can’t date, or we shouldn’t, this isn’t what we need….BS, who says. Or is that you just only wanting a friend with benefits? Not to be a ***** about it but damn dude, who are you lying to here? I know you been told some **** by people,  whatever it may have been “she’s too young, she will just hurt you, you guys can’t date, what about your exes, what about your history??” I know, I’ve heard it all too…quite frankly I’m sick of it! Who made these ******* rules anyway?? Why couldn’t we date and actually be a successful relationship? Don’t answer that, I don’t want to know the answer anymore honestly…
The shittiest part of it all is you were my smile maker, and now I hardly even get a text from you. You were my crack cocaine, and you left me withdrawing. You were the texts that would drain my phone, now I don’t charge it for two days…I miss how it used to be with you. I sometimes wish I still lived Micah so I would still have you to talk to like I did. I’ve noticed some stupid small things lately that I shouldn’t even care about, because I’m not your girlfriend…but I feel like you have another smile maker? A different drug of choice now? Another reason to charge your phone throughout the day….and it isn’t me..
Now that you think I’m crazy, I’m going to stop writing before you believe I’m crazy. I’m not crazy, and I don’t want a Pepsi, I just want a MW
                                                                                                Sincerely,
                                                                                                                                                -J
One day he might read this story, one day he will get this letter.
I’ve thought about leaving my blog site web address (that this story is posted on) on his computer history so he finds it. Would me much easier than giving it to him to read….
Today at work my boss asked if everything was ok, and I burst into tears. Clearly I answered her question without saying a word. She pulled me into one of the conference rooms and I bawled even harder. Spilling it all, MW, Micah, work, being a single mom, just how my plate was full enough and it was slowly tipping. She calmed me back down, looked at me like I was kind of crazy, gave me a minute and told me to go back to work. So after making sure my face isn’t puffy and my makeup is still ok, I head back to my desk and plug away at another day. Then MW emails me, he saw my FB post of “That moment when your boss walks by, asks you a simple question and you burst into tears” and asked if I was alright, I tell him that I just have a lot on my mind, I can’t lie to him, but won’t tell him much else either. I can’t. I need to protect myself from him. I know once I get home tonight that he is going to be his sweet self, trying to get me to talk. Well tonight is different, I won’t spill my beans tonight. The wall building begins....
LifeChangingLove LifeChangingLove 22-25, F 3 Responses Jan 25, 2013

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Well first off you are crazy cuz the stuff in your marriage could have been fixed if you just communicated with each other and the rest would not of happened

I should have gone to sleep hours ago, but had to read your story to it's most recent update. I don't have much to comment... you have a pretty smart and accurate analysis already, and am not quite sure how your vision can be so clear being as young as you are (and I'm not doubting your story for a moment).... really just saying you are very articulate and clear headed about the passage of your life to date. Funny (not haha) how our hindsight is 20-20 as they say... we can be so smart looking back.

I hate to agree with you but suspect that your take on MW is accurate. Again you seem to have an uncanny ability to 'read' the hearts of others. And just to validate, as soon as you can afford to make a move (not like $$$) you would be wise... it will protect your heart and the heart of your daughter as well. It also will open up a door to the future.

Do I have any free advice? (Free advice is worth what you pay for it, by the way.) Probably two things:
1. Once you have an exit plan from your current living situation with MW, I would encourage you to tell MW what you've written here - that you love him and wished that he loved you and that you understand that it's not like that. You really have nothing to lose at that point but maybe a little pride - if he has been hiding a similar emotion he can share it, and if he doesn't you have an exit plan and don't have to hang around like unwanted furniture. Again, you seem to already know in your heart, so don't keep your hopes up.
2. Once you've exited, be patient... with yourself, with your daughter, with your work colleagues, and with you men/man interests. Why do I say this? Not because you seem especially impulsive (well maybe a bit, and I can empathize with that cuz I've got some of that in me too) but because you don't have to hurry. You're young, you're smart, I suspect you're beautiful, you have a daughter (no worry about the 'biological clock ticking'.) I'm not aboriginal/First Nation, but I do go to a traditional sweat almost every week. I'm just executing an exit plan - not from a relationship (that's a long complicated story - I guess you know about that), but my exit plan is from a job (can't afford to have gaps, bills to pay, marketing oneself, blah blah). One of my friends talked about a change he observed in me... he said when he first met me and got to know me it seemed like I was running from my footsteps, but that now I could look back with pride at the footsteps I was leaving behind, because I had left my mark and was moving on. When I thought about it I realized I've been in a hurry for a long time... trying to make up time, and I've made some hasty decisions, maybe impulsive decisions, along the way. With that in mind, I am slowing down a bit.. I'll get wherever I'm going and don't need to take painful measures to somehow get what I think I need. I'm not sure any of this is making sense, and maybe I'm writing this as my own reflection as much as to you.

A touching story J... safe journey. All the best as you write the next chapter in your life.

A caring touch
Max

Max, thank you! I really needed to read your response this morning! It's so hard falling for someone who doesn't feel that way...as I read your response my eyes filled with tears knowing I'm not crazy, knowing I need to tell him. In due time! I will create that exit plan. I have to! For my daughter! The whole reason I left her father is so I could show her how to be happy, and well, let's be realistic here! Thank you for taking the time to read this, I've been on EP for 3 yea now with this story and it's so nice to have this out....

You go girl!!!
max

:)

For your daughter yes... and this is for you too, you know. And that's a good thing. :D
max

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Wow that was a lot to read but your story is so interesting. And sad. I'm sorry that things haven't really gone all that well for you over the years but you're still young and I'm sure you will find that complete happiness you're looking for. Whether that is with MW or not. Maybe you should focus more on yourself being happy with just you and your daughter. You can still appreciate what MW gives you but don't rely on it because it isn't enough. Good luck!

Thank you, you are very right....I am trying my hardest to just move on, so hard living with MW though, Im thinking I need to start looking for another place to live...