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Moving On

Basically I'm just looking for someone with similar experiences to talk with..
My story.

My fiancé and I have been together 6 years since I was 20. We started dating shortly after meeting. I am not proud of the way we started our relationship and feel guilty about it everyday. He was in a relationship we were started getting together. Now 6 years later I find us dealing with his infidelity. Later come to find out that he has cheated in every single relationship he's ever been in. Multiple times. Now to complicate things.. We have two children a 4 year old boy and a girl, 14 months. While I was pregnant with our daughter he cheated. I don't know the whole story about him and this other girl, only what he's told me and I doubt he's been honest about what really went on. My daughter was born in December, the entire month of November and beginning of December he was with this girl. My daughter was born 3 weeks early, because of stress I'm sure. I knew from the first night he didn't come home what was going on but couldn't prove it until months later. The night I went into labour he was with her. I had to get a sitter for my older child and take a taxi to the hospital. Finally he shows up just in time to join us in the or for my emergency c-section. He nearly missed the birth of our child! We named our daughter Anna, he had picked the name the day we found out it was a girl. the name of the girl he cheated with.. anna! Fast forward to now. Almost a year after finding out about his cheating, were still together And working things out. I honestly don't know how I'll ever begin moving forward:. I am miserable, my children see it and that kills me. He has gone through great lengths to try to show me he's sorry and in this for good now but I'm still hurt, just as hurt as the day I found out. Part of me wishes I never stayed, I'm really not sure if I'd be happier at 26 being a single mother with 2 kids than I am now.. I also think a big part of me only stayed to avoid custody battles and lawyers and courts. We are from different parts of the country, meaning if I left I would take the kids and move back home where my family is, he I'm sure wouldn't allow it and would want the kids home where his family is from. I still love him and I'm sure part of me always will. He's a great father and I know he loves me and the kids but he clearly has a problem and refuses to deal with it. Rather he just never goes out with friends anymore, he works and goes to the gym and Comes home. How do I even begin to move on? I have a constant daily reminder, every time I hear my daughters name, I'm reminded of what he did to our family? He destroyed me! I have no trust left in me. I sometimes resent my kids because if we didn't have them I would have been out the sort the second I discovered he cheated. I love my children, please don't get me wrong. I don't blame them in any way. I don't even blame myself. He was selfish, childish stupid. I am lost.
Mammato2 Mammato2 26-30, F Jan 27, 2013

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