My Husband Had An Affair And I Guess I'M OK With It

I suppose it wasn't really cheating, considering he told me before it happened, but I couldn't find a more accurate group than this.

When he told me, 6 months ago, he said he had been talking to a colleague and they figured out they're quite similar sexually. Both of them have very high sex drives, both with partners who were the opposite. He said they had been texting about intimate stuff.

Sex (or lack thereof) has been a recurring theme in arguments; I would find it hard to get going and he would want sex every night. 1-2 times a week I'd give in, but he felt that wasn't enough. We argued so much about this and it kept leading to shouting matches where I would be at my wit's end. I didn't know how to be interested in sex that often! I couldn't manage so I shouted at him to go find someone else to ****.

When he told me about his colleague, I didn't know really what to think. From telling me they were texting, it quickly turned out that he intended to go further and hook up with her. I was quite upset about this, because although I had told him over and over to find his fulfillment elsewhere, I was hoping that he wouldn't. That he'd feel guilty and make do with what he was getting at home.

To be honest the sex wasn't the problem, but we had been drifting apart for a while. When he saw how upset I was over this, he turned into a different person. All of a sudden he was caring, affectionate and tried his best to convince me that I'm the one he loves. That it's just a physical need, nothing else. I sort of accepted it, but it wasn't easy.

Fairly soon after that, strayed virtually. When I told him he was extremely hurt, whereas I didn't understand the reason. He told me if I wanted sex, why not just have it at home with him and we could've avoided the whole mess. I was resentful because I didn't understand his double standard. After all, I hadn't even physically done anything. But now I understand his point of view.

Even though he had been telling me for years, I understand now that he wasn't trying to hurt me but that my attitude had hurt him greatly. That all he wanted was to be loved at home, and his way of expressing love was through sex. By not being interested in him sexually I had pushed him away emotionally. And that I would chat to a stranger and give him what my husband desired most was the worst thing I could've done.

He's forgiven me completely and I am no longer resentful towards him either. I've tried to open up and be more available, to be honest when something is bothering me and express it. This doesn't come naturally to me, I'm used to bottling things up for years. The unfortunate side effect of bottling up emotions is that all that comes out is snide comments and frustration. And it didn't let me enjoy his touch, the feeling of being close physically either.

Now that we've both become more honest, better people our relationship is so much better. I know he still talks to that colleague, but I believe him that they haven't done or said anything inappropriate for ages. I understand now and if he's still not happy with what I can be for him, he has my blessing to have another affair.

I guess I'm lucky to be openminded, because the idea of monogamy seems odd to me. Like a constraint put on personal fulfillment by religion. Of course having an open marriage wouldn't be easy, because of our insecurities that might cause jealousy. I know that any upset he caused me with his affair will be much greater the other way around.
Maybe one day we'll get there. But in the meantime I'm enjoying having rediscovered some of the passion we used to feel.

hedonist6 hedonist6
26-30, F
4 Responses Jan 30, 2013

A great example of the power of communication in a relationship, and showing how meeting each other's needs is so important.

Gratz. Enjoy your life together.

This is a very revealing tale and I compliment you for being so transparent. Misunderstanding another's way of feeling is common in good relationships - and by good I do not mean that they are easy. It sounds like you are with a person who is a mystery to you, and you are a mystery back, finding each other hard to imagine and misinterpreting the meaning of each other's actions or words. In my experience, being with such a person is one of the most amazing and wonderful, but difficult and even terrifying of circumstances, and I personally would not accept anything less! Props to you for muddling your way through and discovering something in the other you'd have never found in yourself. The both of you sound like very interesting and compatible people - I'm a little envious of the relationship you have built and how you have continued to reach past yourselves and find each other through love. Thanks again for sharing - it really inspired me!

Wow, this is amazing. I would and have been horribly hurt by my husband's affair. However, I never denied him. He cheated for VERY different reasons.

But... it seems like a common story - men straying because they are not getting sex at home. It is crazy. They just have sex with a woman, and there is no emotional tie.

I don't understand it because that's not the way I work. I couldn't have sex with someone I didn't love, admire, and respect. I couldn't respect someone who was only satisfied with part of me... that physical presence.

Anyway, I kind of admire the way you approach this. I hope things have gone well and that you are still very happy. Much love!

Strangely, I'm not worried at all about something more developing between both of them. They're colleagues but different departments within a big company, not as such working together all day.
They got on ok for a bit, but now he's not even texting her or anything. Seems like maybe he got bored with her because other than sex they had nothing in common. I've never doubted his sincerity when he said it was just a physical thing and I'm the only one he wants to share a life with.