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If It Can Happen To Me It Can To Anyone......

Long story short.... I found out in May my husband of 29 years had been having over a year long affair with the hairdresser in the space that my husband rents to her BESIDE his office!!!! She was separated and also 9yrs younger than him. We separated went to counseling over 3 months and I let him move back in September 1. He started acting distant end of October into December. I finally asked him why he acted so miserable? The next question I had for him was have you spoken to or seen her? Our counselor told us he was to completely cut off contact with her and if there were ANY he was to come to me and tell me immediately! First of all he said he felt like he was in a prison (not true!) And yes she called him on his cell phone from a number he didn't recognize( she keeps changing her cell phone number). He
should of hung up the phone immediately when he heard her voice. He has a secretary that can handle "fix it" issues with her shop. He also said he came into his office one Monday morning ( her day off) and when he left his office she was sitting outside her shop. He said she only asked how was yours Christmas? I'm sure there was more conversation. Dec 31st we separated again. I told him I would not call him or look for him anymore. He agreed and said he would keep in touch. We have talked several times but just about da-day stuff. Every time I say we NEED to talk. He says he'll call but he has avoided any conversation about our seperation and which direction we..I will go! Why does he hold all the power and leave me in limbo. Somehow I feel he is trying to punish me for his mistakes. Oh yeah...he had an affair(sex) a couple of times with his former secretary about 12 yrs ago. I got him to finally confess to this which i suspected for years but repressed because I couldn't face itso I didn't dig to find out....just gut feeling. My 3 daughters were small at the time. Please welcome me to your group and any advice would be great. My heart continues to ache!
TimeIsAThief TimeIsAThief 51-55, F 5 Responses Feb 1, 2013

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He's worried that YOU won't get over it?!..so that sounds to me like he's long past it, and is hoping you are too...
I was blindsided by a cheating husband...had no clue he was 'doing' the neighbour lady two doors down..........divorced his butt!...yuck!

Thank you!!!

Dear TIAT,

I agree with Judy54. He only has the power you are giving him. It's time to show him that YOU are setting boundaries and limits. You need to protect yourself legally and emotionally.( I know how hard it is. I was married for 26 years when I found out about my husband's affair -a year ago today, as a matter of fact. We're still married but it's a work in progress.) Keep up with the counseling even if it's just you attending. It's time for some constructive anger. And the key word is constructive.

Thanks so much! We were supposed to "talk" tonight buts my youngest daughter came home from college so he' s not called. Another day lost. I talked to him on the phone on Tues but only because I called. He says he loves me but can't live with me like things were. He said I'm afraid you'll never get over it....I said I didn't know either. He thinks(without saying) I should be " over it"! Thanks for letting me vent

drop him like a bad habit, he will always cheat.....

yes.....once they cheat, nothing will ever change them.

So this is truly a man's point of view? I read your story. Were you married then?

It depends on what story you read. But, I will tell you, there are plenty of men that would love to have a person like you, you deserve better.

Thanks:)

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My story is similar to yours. Together 30+ years. Married 25 years. 2 adult daughters. Serial cheating husband + more.

My advise is it is time to get a lawyer. They will get the process moving whether your husband wants it or not. Get all the evidence you can on the adultery. You may need it if you can't agree to a settlement and the case goes to court before a judge.

I would also encourage therapy, divorce support groups, family, friends. You are going to need all the support you can get.

When your husband discovers you have filed, that is usually when the war begins. Make sure you have money on hand that you may need. Once you file, your lawyer should be able to secure/ freeze accounts so your husband can't just go empty them.

I wish I could tell you that your husband will change, but he has proven to you that he won't. You have done all you can do.

My heart goes out to you and your family. I wish you the best.

Thank you so much. You have helped me more than you know!

Glad you feel that I helped. Divorce is horrible, disgusting, awful, terrible, but sometimes there is no choice. I wonder how you are doing now?

Oh the vows...try be n married for 12 yrs separated for 7 yrs.Husband gets involved with someone n now they have kids. He gets on the phone like a ***** n say don't call him he will call me when he gets the papers..look u piece of ****...it's been 7 yrs and counting...get the freaking papers already..see I am one of the best women ever created..I forgive his weak ***...I know it's not about me anymore so kiss my grits. I just need you to hurry with the paperwork so my lawyer can tear u a new ******* you piece of ****....by the way Happy 12th anniversary today..u massive piece of ****!!!!!!

Continue to be FIERCE!