The Most Incredible Pain Ever.

I just discovered that my recent ex has been cheating on me for the last six months.

We had been going out for 15 months. It was the first time in my life I'd ever felt like a girl loved me back. She just left me and we broke up so she could "start a new life" in a different country. She said she wanted to explore life, schools, options... this is also what she told her parents. What she didn't mention was that she was traveling in order to meet up with a guy she had blown six months ago. Since then, separated by distance, the two of them have been sending each other love letters and engaging in web cam sex. I know all this beyond a doubt due to primary source evidence -- she left her email open on my computer.

Six months ago she "slipped up" at a convention in Las Vegas (I'm super trusting and feel like a complete fool). She didn't tell me, and I didn't know until last week. She was going to leave it as a one-night-stand, but  a few days later decided to begin corresponding with the creep. They began addressing each other in romantic terms quickly after that. Reading that stuff hurt so much.

Five months ago, her grandmother died. I was pallbearer at the funeral, and she got an inheritance. She wrote the guy telling him how excited she was to see him now that she would have money, and about all the stuff she wanted to do to him.

Four months ago, I finally got her to sign up for the final classes so she could finish her bachelor's degree (she's 26). I kept trying to help her achieve the things she said she wanted... I wanted to elevate her. I even called her by her full name because I didn't want to toss off her shortened name. I loved her so much.... anyway, the class was TuTh mornings, so she wanted to stay at her place on MW nights. She also got internet at her apartment, even though she was poor and I had internet. Turns out, right then she wrote an email telling the guy how she'd been able to trick me into letting her spend time with him on Mondays and Wednesdays... she'd be all his on those nights! It hurts so much to think about this...

In the last month, she did many conspicuous things that finally made me realize there was someone else lined up. She started birth control. She decided to lose weight. She bought new, sexy underwear. And on the afternoon that I dropped her off at the airport, she shaved her pubic area. By then it was just obvious. I feel sick at this very moment.

When I got into her email a few days later, everything came together. I spent the next few days in a delirium. I was not eating or sleeping. My heart was pounding for 48 hours straight. I thought I might have a heart attack. One morning I almost called a suicide hotline. I began to recover after a bit, but it's only been a week since I found out, and I'm still barely eating. My sleep gets interrupted by dreams of her. I feel like I can't trust women. I feel utterly broken. This has been the most painful experience of my life.

I keep blaming myself. I keep trying to figure out what's wrong with me. I know now that she just can't stand to be with the same sexual partner for very long, but I feel like I should have done more somehow. This pain is incredible and I'm seeking ways to feel like I have some kind of control in my life, mostly by not eating and by working out too much. I know it's not healthy, but it's the little that I feel I can do. It makes me feel like I have a handle on things, and the suffering suits my need to feel punishment for failing to please her (I know this is crazy, I know, I know...).

I've never cheated on anyone. When I dated her, I didn't even check out other girls out of faithfulness. Now that I know the pain of being cheated on, there's no way I'd ever risk hurting someone that way. You know how when you fall in love for the first time and all those songs suddenly make sense? Well, it's the same thing now, except with songs about being cheated on. I have so much anger, guilt, rage, pain.... this is the worst thing that has ever happened to me.

On the other hand, I'm lucky. She's gone along with all her stuff. She didn't cheat on me with a friend. She wasn't friends with my friends. And of course, we are all still alive and healthy. I'm glad for that, but it doesn't make those lonely, sleepless mornings any easier.

I know I'm not alone... If you're reading this and know how I feel, you're not alone, either. This is one of the oldest forms of pain around, but there's a first time for everyone.

I *will* survive this. I *will* love again. I *will* get treated right. I deserve better. This is not the end. This was not my fault. Dear reader, this is also true for you. Even now I know it, even though it hurts.
iamsobroken iamsobroken
26-30, M
3 Responses Jul 18, 2007

Thank you for sharing your story. I hope you're well right now and that everything is alright.

Dude whoever u r believe me, i've gone thr a similar situation in life. People say u'll get an another gal who is better and stuff, it might calm u for sometime, but again these things resurface. The best thing is let it affect u as much it can so tht u totally come out it. And the best medicine is keep urself busy and concentrate on ur future and work on what u want in life. All the best..

Nicely put - it hurts, don't it? I think you will be much better off without her though. You will find someone worthy of your selfless love and she will be one lucky girl!