Just Another Story

I know this happens all the time. Men cheat on their wives or wives on their husbands all the time. I never gave it much thought until it happened to me. And oh Lord, how I wish I had shown more compassion to those I knew it had happened to. It tore my world apart. And now I am in an emotional hurricane. I can't move past it despite reading books on how to heal and what to do. Here is how my story unfolds...

The minute I met my husband I felt like I had never felt before. I didn't believe in love despite being married two times previously. I felt it was just a term used to explain the feelings one felt when they really liked someone and felt a sexual attraction to them as well. I also knew that those feelings went away and the person became more of a thorn in the side than anything else. Until he walked into my life. He was charming and caring and passionate and smart and absolutely gorgeous...and he was interested in ME! I did fall in love. We had some difficult times because I was unwilling to to break down the wall I had built around myself and let him in completely. But eventually I did. I trusted him and believed in him with everything I was. There was nothing and nobody more important to me than him except for my children. Making love to him was an every other night to every night occurance. Life was wonderful. Of course we argued. But not excessively. And we never went to bed angry. We always worked things out before retiring for the night.

Then life turned gray. Somewhere he slipped into his own world. I can't think of when. (We have only been married two years, by the way.) He began spending excessive amounts of time on the computer playing World of Warcraft. He would literally get up in the morning and get on the game and still be on it when I went to bed that night. He would leave from it long enough to go to the restroom or go smoke. But even meals he would not share with us...we would have to take them to the computer so he could eat them there. When I would mention anything about it, he would get angry with me and tell me that is the only way he gets to spend time with his best friend who he moved away from. So, I know things were not wonderful at that time. I knew his feelings for me were changing. I didn't know what to do or how to make him love me again or what I did to make him stop. And we were making love less and less. There were times it would be a month before he touched me. And if I tried to arouse him, he would pat my hand and tell me to go to sleep. The next morning when I would try to talk to him about it, he would give me a lame excuse such as.."You had too much to drink," or "I was just tired," or "I'm really stressed at work."

Fast forwarding a bit, he was promoted at his job and we were forced to move to a different state. I had thoughts of not going with him because I was afraid of where things were headed with us. But I moved with him and took my kids out of the only school they had ever known. All the while, my love for him never faded. I'm not saying I was perfect. I know I made mistakes. I am realistic about this.

He began being himself again. He was kind and caring and attentive. And his online time became less frequent. I felt that he loved me again. For a month or so. He started being distant again. When I would put my hand on his leg or rub his back in bed, I would be responded to with...nothing. I began to notice him turn away from me to text. And he would take his cell phone with him whenever he went to the bathroom or to another room. I became suspicious. I fought my very strong beliefs in privacy and read his text messages one morning when he forgot to take his phone into the bathroom with him when he showered. I wish I hadn't. It began with, "I wish your arms were around me."

Now, I'm not naive. But I wanted so badly to trust in him. I wanted to believe in his love for me. So I thought, "Well, that doesn't prove he is doing anything with her. I hug my male friends all the time." So, I brought up the fact that he had been acting a little strange lately and asked him who he was texting. He told me her name and added that they are just friends. Hmmm...ok.

Next came a two-week long business trip several states away. During this two weeks, one of my best friends was killed in a car accident. I needed him. He responded to the news with very little...anything. He didn't even say, "I'm sorry," or anything. He didn't try to help me through it. The funeral came and went, which I was unable to attend due to being seriously ill...probably in part from pacing the floor and crying and wondering and worrying at all hours of the night. I slept maybe a total of twenty hours those two weeks. My phone calls were ignored and text messages were responded to several hours or even the next day. One night in particular, I was having a horrible time. I needed to feel that my husband was there for me, even if he was several states away. No response to calls or text messages from me. I got on WoW and asked his best friend if he had heard from him. He responded no. Finally, he called me back. He told me he had been in the shower and didn't hear his phone ring. Understand, he NEVER takes a shower at night...its always in the morning. Then he told me he was going to go to the store to get something to eat and he would call me back in just a little bit. I waited two hours for that call. Then I began to worry maybe he had been in an accident too (after all, it had just happened to my best friend.) So I tried calling and texting with no response. So I called his work cell. He ALWAYS wakes up to his work phone, just so you know. No response. I was worried sick. Again, up all night hoping he was ok. Guess what. He was. The next day...on his lunch hour...he called me. He said, "Oh, I fell asleep." Oh, ok.

This story is getting lengthy, so I am going to cut it down now.

His odd behavior triggered me to continue to check his phone messages. Sure enough...his "friend" was in the same place he was for those two weeks. She sent him a message telling him how she had never fallen in love with anyone so quickly as she had with him. She told him that she was being hit on by some younger good looking man, but she ignored his advances because all she could think of was him. She told him she wished he could meet her in a certain town because she could,"use the stress relief. ;)". This was one of the few I saw a response to. He replied, "I wish I could be there too." I now had my proof. I was done with him. My suspicions had come to life and I had proof positive. So we were moving out of the house we had just moved into and going to another home that fit our needs better. I told him the morning I found this that it was over. I was done. I told him I was moving back home. I told him that I could handle anything but the lies. I couldv'e dealt with the affair, but he lied about it, which means to me that she means more to him than just sex. He was scott free. He was rid of me and didn't have to worry about anything. He told me again that they were just friends. He told me I was reading too much into it. He gave me a sob story about her having cancer and she and her boyfriend were splitting up and she was worried about losing custody of their kids and on and on. He told me he meant that he wishes he could be there to give her a hug and talk to her. I asked if she had any real friends she could talk to instead. I agreed to stay under the condition that he cease all contact with her. I told him I didn't want her in his life or in mine. I don't give a **** about her. He agreed.

I read messages from her two more times after that. One stating how he had told her during their little trip that he told her how he always wanted to be honest with her. And now she wants to be honest with him. She told him that she went on a date with a younger hotter guy. He tried to take her home and she sent him home because she only wanted to be with my husband. She said, "besides, until further notice, a certain (his job position)'s name is tattooed on my *** so I'm off limits to anyone else."

So, once again, I spoke to him about it. I had been drinking, so I was a little more honest than I probably should have been. I told him it felt like he was choosing her over me. Why would he have had me move with him when he was free of me? I was done. He talked me out of leaving. So why would he continue to talk to this woman after he had agreed not to and knew how it made me feel? He maintains that there is only friendship between them and even if he was single he would not be with her. Why didn't he just let me go? He said that he loves me and still wants to spend the rest of his life with me holding my hand as we grow old. WHAT??? I'm so damn confused. He is being wonderful again...in every other way except he is STILL TALKING TO THAT WOMAN! Well, that and he has completely lost his sex drive, claiming that he is just getting old. (I bet he didn't have a problem getting it up for her.)

Now every time I look at him, I see him with her. I look at his hands and picture them caressing her breasts or playing with her ****. I see her kissing his neck. I see his lips on hers. I hear his whispers in her ear. I see his naked body wrapped around hers...with an erection. I see her mouth wrapped around it. I don't know how to move past this. In the mean time, I am forwarding all text messages that I find from her to my phone. If this doesn't work out between he and I, the whole world will know everything she said to him. He will lose his job because she is a subordinate. I will find her ex and show them to him so that he can take them to court to help him get custody. She is really lucky I don't live in that town any more.

But how do I stop caring? How do I stop wanting him to love me? How do I make myself not want to be with him? I want out. I just don't want to be miserable the rest of my life. I keep thinking...there is a doubt. Maybe he isn't doing anything with her. Am I nuts? Yeah...I think so.

 

howtoheal howtoheal
36-40, F
1 Response Mar 28, 2009

They say it takes 30 days to break a habit. You were alive before him and you will be alive without him. I caught my ex in full thrust. I had the police remove him from our house and have not looked at him since. We were together for nearly 7 years. I have sold everything we bought together and replaced it with what I like. <br />
I am still very hurt and angry. But I go on. You are being so disrespected and treated like a doormat. If imagining him with her is erotic to you then go ahead, otherwise chose to make the break and go on.<br />
Or should he always get to have his cake and eat her too???????