I wish I knew what he told her about our marriage.
I wish I knew why she knew he was married and still slept with him.
Even allowed herself to fall in love with him.
Did he even love her? Or the idea of being with someone who did not have any children and could give him all the attention he craves?
I really wish I could think of them as two humans that made a mistake.
But how many times do you have to do something before it stops being a mistake?

"Sorry." No thanks.
"Sorry for all the pain I've caused." Really dude? You didn't run over my toes,
You destroyed my life and our family!
Sorry is just not going to cut it!
Sorry for WHAT specifically???

I wonder why he wanted to leave me; and when I let him go, so I can have some peace...
I wish I knew why he chose to stay.
Why stay with someone when you gave your body and heart to someone else?
Why not let me go, let me finally have some peace...
If you really wanted to go, then why did you stay?
Why do you want to know where I am and what I am doing?
You never cared before!
You want to go out and cheat, but you don't want to let me go...? Don't I deserve to be loved?
And if you can't do it... Won't do it... Don't want to do it...
Set me free...
kayg4 kayg4
31-35, F
13 Responses Jul 3, 2015

if you had tracked him by HelloSpy soon, everything could be better!

I feel the same. my husband kept up a relationship after we were married. why marry me, inflict deep emotional wounds and tell me how you love me forever. Love doesn't lie, cheat sneak around. Nothing can ever bring back the special relationship we had. I wonder if how he would feel if done to him?

Thank you for putting into words what I have been feeling inside since my D-Day happened DEC 26 2014, Its been a real strugle figuring out what is real or fake comming from someone I used to believe and take at face value.A 3 year affair came to light with all the lies and deception and I am so suspicious and torn between walking away or staying..I want to trust and forgive and love unconditionally again,to have those thoughts never come into my head again or wonder what is she really up to.Weighing on what is best for the kids and myself and our family unit, our faith ,our home , and being jealous about being on the sidelines while she poured out her attention and love and devotion to another while I was right there unaware and starving for some attention and love.Yes getting over it is harder than anything else I have went through,I am sure its possible and my hope is it will be worth it on the other side of it.To many tears and negative emotions for this to turn out to be a dull mediocre marriage that went through hell and back.

I feel for you.
I know you feel worse than being punched in the gut off guard right now. You feel like every thing you were trying to build was maliciously blown to bits and scattered everywhere (especially your heart and your identity). You probably also feel like (literally or figuratively) setting fire to what's left... Everything about it makes you feel dirty and sick to your stomach.

Words mean nothing anymore, and everything you were willing to overlook and compromise on to keep the peace and keep moving forward, are now enormous deal-breakers. You feel like your whole marriage (regardless of how many years) has been a sham, and you feel like there's no need to celebrate it anymore. Why celebrate being trapped with someone who stopped loving you (or at least feels that way) and broke you worst than an enemy would?

You feel raw.
You feel like you don't even know HOW you're getting from day to day. You wonder if you're "doing this [being the hurting spouse]" right. You probably even feel like you are starting to detach yourself from things that made sense to you before, but now you're thinking, "What's the point?".

You wonder if the affair is really over, and you wonder what your partner COULD ever do or say at this point to give you peace, and make it easier to forgive and move on. People say "forgive and forget", however, it's so hard to forgive (especially with everything so fresh), and nearly IMPOSSIBLE to forget. You hate feeling like a victim and you soon become angry at the thought. You soon wish you could forget all the sordid details.

It is hard work, especially when you're in the dark about nearly every aspect. You have a million questions but you're sure that some answers are not the truth. Some of the answers frustrate you even more because they can't tell you what they were thinking, why exactly they did it, give you a timeline, and even more frustrating... They tell you what they think you want to hear. The truth doesn't ever seen like the best way to go because it doesn't shine the best light on them. That is something I do not get. Continuing the lies only guarantees that you will most likely end up feeling very hateful and resentful towards them. At least, telling the truth, gives you the chance to break, but break clean. Like a bone, your heart may heal and be stronger where it broke. Than leaving the wound all jagged with lies, half truths, coverups... Lies!

Anyway, I have prayed, read many many books and blogs, shared my ordeal with a small group of friends, and cried in the silence of the night. All of that prepared me for the moment when I realized that I really needed a counselor. Not necessarily for a year, or for even a whole month, but just that moment when you realize books can only tell you so much and no more, they can't answer questions that are specifically for your partner or speak to their state of mind, or their intentions. Blogs are based on a person's personal experience which is never identical to yours. Dealing with a cheating spouse is comparable to your fingerprint... Unique to you. You can get general guidelines but that's where the buck stops. Friends and family, after the initial shock, you realize that they have their own lives to attend to. They're not at your beck and call 24/7 and that is perfectly ok with you. Counseling will have you rehashing every torrid detail that you know and everything you feel, but it's a safe place, and it's yours. I'm not even suggesting couples counseling to start, because for one thing, your biggest contemplation is "what's wrong with me?" "What did I do wrong?", you blame and criticize yourself... You don't need that. You need to feel for yourself that you have a right to feel whatever you feel. If you can say what you're even feeling is a very big thing for you. Even if it's a single 60 minutes session, just one time talking to a counselor is all it takes. Do this for you, not your spouse, not for their feelings or needs, but for you. It will either help you see some things that will be stepping stones for you, or cause you to feel like you need just a little more of the experience of sharing your story with someone who is not necessarily on your side, but is ALL EARS and there to help you heal, not to assist you in prolonging the misery that you feel.

It took me a few days to write this, but I really hope that you can clear a path and find your strength. I wish that for all of us who are going through this, who have been through and survived and who will go through it one day and find themselves needing the support of those who have been through this. Proof that we can survive... We are surviving when we feel like we are sinking and we reach out for support.

Many blessings to you.

Thank you for your post, wow a lot of things you described I have felt and felt strange for feeling them, especially the suspicious spirit that's not sure if its over with them 2. And the what's wrong with me aspect.I believe my main motivation for counselling is to dig down and see if there is anything left to build on,with mis trust and so many lies and deception its hard to totally forgive right now and go back to a normal life.peace has returned with a lot of prayer and a little bit of smiles , I just want to get to the bottom of the issues so we can work on them and not have something like this happen again,this one was a real 3 year affair. The first one was a text thing , I just don't want to invest any more years into travelling down a dead end road.and it hurts. And is so embarrasing,and I was a real zombie for months. , this stuff hurts , if I didn't have a prayer life I would of hurt someone bad, thanks for the encouragement , seems like you have walked this road before , is it beautiful on the other side, is it worth the pain to walk through it

I'm still walking in this road. It's still a fresh wound. I don't know what it's like on the other side but I feel like there is peace. Peace from no longer wondering about whether it's over. Peace from lingering feelings of betrayal and possible betrayal recurring. Peace from feeling the need to investigate. Peace from wanting to know all the dirty details. Peace from worrying about possibly contracting STDs or STIs. Peace from the power imbalance in regards to who loves who more.

Lately, I've been stepping away from thinking about my spouse's feelings, and betrayal, and lies. I've stepped back into an attitude of caring for myself. And taking time to do things for myself and by myself. I focus so much less on the lies and possible lies. I focus less on how much I don't trust him, and more on how much I love and trust myself. Bringing myself back to where I was when I was single and just dating. Bringing myself back to what I loved about me, and what I loved to show people about me.

It's having a strange effect on my spouse though. It's almost as if I'm escaping from the box I was in and he's realizing that he doesn't know what is on my mind, doesn't know what I'll do, and if he doesn't ask he won't know where I go. In fact, while he was out cheating with the woman, he cared nothing about where I was and what I was doing and how his son was doing. But NOW... It's almost as if he's suspicious. What am I doing? Who am I with? Where am I going?

I have to say, that has opened my eyes a lot... Because now he's behaving as if he thinks I am going to do what he did, and I guess he just realized that it is totally possible... Just the way it was for him. As if I would want to live a double life while I'm trying to raise my child and give him the best possible life that I can!

The freedom is healing though. The opportunity to just be out walking and being around people who don't know my story and don't know what I'm going through, and who are going through their own challenges...that's healing.

STEP 1- Back to you... and Pray

Thank you for sharing, I have been doing alot of praying, Its getting better, think the initial shock has worn off and the real issues are surfacing as to what really happened, timeline was laid out and alot of truth was presented, I feel we have discussed stuff married couples should never have to discuss , It has taken a toll on the kids with all the effort in recovery mode, I have stepped back a bit lately and concentrated on spending good quality time with them regardless of how i feel,Its working they are coming out of it too, I never realized D-day affects everyone involved in the house, family , friends , church, all of it ., Its like life got turned upside down and everything is outa wack , That sounds southern lol,

Upside down is the perfect way to describe the effects of d-day. I worked hard to keep it away from my son but he knew something was wrong, he just didn't know what it was and didn't hear us "discussing" the issues. You can never really know how bad an affair is on a family until you see in in the eyes of your children.

Yes I'm going to counseling as I have to have a place to talk and get some direction. That is great advice as I am fighting anger and depression and trying tp carry onm. How can I ever trust and believe anything I'm told. And why did you hurt me so.

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You just put into words everything that I have felt for the last six years. Wow. The wondering... I have always wondered what he told her (them) about me, and why all of sudden he chose to care about me and my feelings when I was very clearly the last thing on his mind before. I hope you can find peace and move on. It helps to focus on the future instead of looking back. And it's a cliche thing to say, but it really does get better with time.

Thank you so much. I'm so sorry that's you've experienced this. How has it gotten better for you?

Honestly, for a while I tried to forgive and work it out. But over time I became a bitter and angry person, always suspicious. It was eating me up.. it was all I thought about. Finally, I said enough. I realized that I didn't look at him the same way, he wasn't the same person to me, so why was I trying to hard. He didn't change no matter how hard "we" fought for us anyway. So we separated. I focused on me and my son. I kept him in my life enough so that o wouldn't feel too lonely (used him for a change), but I eventually I started waking up thinking about other things, other people. I built my own world, tried things he would never try with me... new restaurants, vacations, anything he wouldn't do, I did it. Now we get along well. I don't hate him anymore, because it doesn't matter as much anymore. I have made a better life for myself. I am glossing over some details, but if you ever need to talk to anything, please feel free to message me.

Thank you so much for sharing this with me. I know it's not easy, even now to rehash these details. Your life sounds so similar to mine. I would like to message you sometime if you don't mind.

That's perfectly fine, it helps me to talk about it so I hope it can help you, too. Sometimes I still feel the pain, like it just happened, but those days are very rare.

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You have the power to set yourself free.

Its all okay that sucks tho I'm sorry

If he's truly Sorry then he will answer all of your questions and give you Full Disclosure. He will also give you Full Transparency. Sorry is just a word right now to you. Make him back it up with Action. Actions are the only thing that betrayed spouses can comprehend. Unfortunately they take time.
It's not fun and totally sucks because you do feel trapped at first. PTSD brings out our fight or flight responses as well as every single emotion you've ever experienced.

Talk to a good lawyer and know where you do stand. Pull his credit report and compare it to yours so that you'll know if there is anything else that you have to deal with right now. Demand No Contact. Demand those Answers because you're healing really does depend on them. You do deserve better! Use your anger positively and throw him out if he won't cooperate.
Standing up firmly for yourself will show him that you know that you deserve Better and can go find Better. Fake it until you make it. It's ok to be intolerant of his wimpy sorry attitude. (((Hugs)))

Thank you! This describes the process I've been going through. Unfortunately, he doesn't want to talk about it at all, he claims it puts him in "a negative headspace" and that he just wants to move past it. So it makes me think he has something to hide. He says he's being transparent and has stopped all contact, BUT it's so easy for him to just contact her in ways that I won't see or know of. Action is what I need, and I'm not seeing a whole lot of it. All I see is someone falling back into his regular pattern. So that's why I'm thinking, why did he even bother to stay if he's not even going to try and make it better than it was...

"Negative Headspace" sorry but that's not allowed. He's in the dog house and if he wants out then he needs to step up because You're in pain and He caused it. Too bad he feels bad about it now he should've thought about it before.
Truth is they all try and throw their own little pity party for themselves in order not to talk about it. He has to face up to what he has done by talking to you about it. He cannot heal either until he has come clean. You cannot afford for him not to talk to you about it. 98% will do it again if they think they can get away with it again. That's why he needs to see you as a strong woman right now who will never tolerate this again. On survivinginfidelty they call it a 180. It's really really important that you drag those answers out of him. Tell him this may be something that you just cannot get over without those answers. He needs motivation to keep talking to you. Let him panic a little and believe that he may have lost you. It will do you both good because you'll see through his actions that he does love you. He will move whatever mountains needs to be moved in order to keep you. Trust me on this! He will step up but he needs motivation. (((Hugs)))

Thanks for the encouragement (((Hugs)))!

You're not alone. We'll help you through this.

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Props to you, you've said what a lot of women feel but can not put into words. Not because they're weak but because it's such a confusing situation, sifting through the emotion is nearly impossible. I'm sorry you've got to go through this...I can tell you love the man a whole lot...even after everything he has done to you. Would you take him back right now if he begged. A lot of people think that shows little self worth but really it's just because you have a beautiful heart. With all of that being said, I hope you don't become bitter to all men. Keep your beautiful heart. You do deserve much much better. You already know that though. Good luck to you Kay...b

Hi Billy,

I've had some time to sort through it to this point. At first I was feeling everything and nothing at all. I felt like I was weak. I was convinced. I love him so much, and it was hard to reconcile what he has done to who I thought he was. I couldn't get past the "why?". If he begged I would at least think he's remorseful, but he didn't even beg, or say he made a horrible mistake and he wishes he had never done it. He just said "sorry", and then stayed...

️fúck Ya. He cheats drop him, my STBX cheated too

OMG! You totally read my mom's mind.

you are a woman of great importance and worth you are worth more than that piece of human garbage that took it upon himself to betray not only your vows but your trust and yah know what he isnt sorry honey my dad did the same thing twice got 2 half sisters from it

I know he is so sorry, honey. He's sorry I found out... Sorry he couldn't keep it in the shadows, he's sorry I rocked the boat... Sorry that now he couldn't 'have his cake and eat it too'...

i dont think hes sorry enough glad you showed him just who hes dealing with

Thank you! 😀

leave his ***

just stay clam