how do you forgive your lover when they cheated or you suspected they cheated but you chose to forgive them and move on. Its always on my mind and sometimes I bring it up because I have a hard time forgetting I don't want this to continue to cause problems in our future I just don't know how to let this go and move on but I love the other person enough to try what do I do?
epain33 epain33
26-30, F
25 Responses Aug 26, 2015

I'm going through the same thing. Don't know if I can move on I want to but it's really hard

Imagine yourself in his situation. Is he truly sorry and remorseful? We are human and make mistakes! If this was a one night thing I believe this is forgivable because people mess up in life and I'm sure he wishes it never happened but if it's an emotional affair then that is different. if he has fallen out of love with you then he needs to move on and so do you. Every situation is different. I truly believe a one night drunken mistake is just that a MISTAKE. Everyone on here is so judgmental. It can happen to anyone as we are imperfect beings. It's like you never being forgiven for all the bad things in your life and having to suffer because of one stupid moment in time.

you can do it..i did it..it was not easy..still not easy..my first reaction was denial but it didnt work..then i accepted it...accepted it everyday... every morning i forced myself to remember what he did...feel the pain..then every morning i tell myself..its my choice to stsy..i forgive him today..the day i wont b sble to forgive will b the day i move on..but things got better..i can handle it better..of course my partner supported..surrendered all his passwords..started giving me details about his whereabouts everyday..
i still dont trust him.but somehow when i. wake up every morning i feel i belong here..

Do you think it is possible to trust in the future? What do you think holds it back from being present now

i m not sure if you can trust again.. i still don't.. my husband gives me account of all his whereabouts.. i can check his mobile / email anytime i like..
before i used to check it more frequently now the frequency has lessened... like I said it will work only when he tries equally with you.. it also proves that you are important to him

Yeah.. It really does suck bc we all want to feel free in our relationships, free of worry, free of resentment, free of any negativity even the slightest bit, I love my boyfriend but I don't want to live my life without feeling 100% free of these things so I'm not sure what to do anymore

It's a matter of how much you love them, I suppose. I would also imagine it's a matter of whether or not you're married and promised to be with them in sickness and health and if they **** up. And whether or not they're remorseful.


My thinking is the only way to make it even is by cheating, yourself. Or, at least, talking to them about it, telling them that they got one, so you get one. Of course, most people don't like that idea.


So, without that option, your only choice is to try to force yourself to trust them and bury the hatred and resentment and whatever else, imo. Of course, that's after the fact. That's why I'm a proponent of open relationships. If cheating is the most deadly thing to a relationship--and if so many people are impulsive in doing it--then why not just let them do what they do?

You should never stay with someone and waste your life when you made a promise to someone who you thought you knew and it really wasn't who they were. Been there done that wasted over a decade.
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One should never "get even" with someone they want to continue a relationship with - that destroys trust not builds it.
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Open relationships work for some and not others. It is not about stopping someone from what they want to do - it is about finding someone who wants the same things you do - in my and my Masters case a life long monogamous relationship.

The tricky part would be that, let's say for Westerners, the vast majority of them *want* monogamous relationships: society teaches us that's what we need and should want. But, it's just antithetical to human instinct. Pretty much everyone is going to desire other partners, after long. It's not about, imo, finding someone who wants what you want, so much as someone with enough willpower to keep their word and maintain a relationship even when it turns to ****--which it most likely will--and then being able to handle that **** relationship.


It's not ever going to be that Disney-perfect relationship: those don't exist. It's not only their willpower and dedication, and not only their love, but also their resistance to hate; because, as Freud said, "Dogs love their friends and hate their enemies; much unlike humans who must always mix feelings of love and hate." That remains true for lovers.


You must have desired different partners at some point during some of your relationships. What makes you think that was because you were with a bad partner, and not your brain telling you, "Okay, there are better fish out there, and you've already been with this one long enough, time to jump to a new one."?


As for 'getting even', I meant to mean it more as a leveling off. Not revenge, but simply balancing the scales. Because, as noted, if one person cheats, then there will always be that perception that they owe you, and the lack of trust in them. But yes, like I said, not everyone likes that idea: or the idea of open relationships. But, then that means you're stuck with the pure monogamous ones, with two people who are eventually going to desire others. Monogamy is a nice, pretty idea; but, in practice, it is substantially flawed.

1 - There are many primates that are monogamous - assuming we are not supposed to be is based upon a desirable outcome not fact. There is no proof one way or another.
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2 - A proper relationship is not contentious and has no hate or resentment in it. ( Freud is not the authority on humans far from it.)
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3 - Monogamous means not multiple partners - not forcing yourself to stay with one for life. I was attracted to others but did not "desire" others. Big difference.
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4 - In a mature relationship there is no need for "leveling off" it is not a *** for tat thing. There is already an issue with lack of trust one way and by her cheating that will do nothing to resolve that and add to the lack of trust as well.
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5- 2 people will not necessarily desire others. Monogamy is not a flawed ideal as there are many species in the animal kingdom who are monogamous.

Good luck to ya. And the amount of monogamous creatures is around 10%, if that--and as for 'many' monogamous primates: primates are overwhelmingly non-monogamous, even if there are a few monogamous ones. Humans aren't included, there. And your idea of 'monogamy' is entirely incorrect. Serial monogamy is naturally staying with one partner at a time, but naturally jumping to others. Really, since there's no time limit in staying with one partner, it's much closer to polygamy than it is true monogamy: such as Geese, who only stay with one partner their whole lives, even if it dies--that's monogamy.


http://www-personal.umich.edu/~phyl/anthro/mating.html " 'Why are most primates polygynous?' '


As for desirable outcome, not fact: I see how you glazed over the 65% divorce rate and the preposterous number of--only those discovered seeking online-- those married couples looking for extra partners on Ashely Madison. It's as if cheating were *natural*, given how many people do it.


And, even if what you say is true of females, 'not necessarily desire others'--which I don't believe it is--it's not true for males. And, *even if there are many instances of monogamy in the wild* that has no bearing on human sexuality. And it's not about ideology. It's about instinct.

1 More Response

Have a peaceful conversation with him, to clear all your suspicions and try to find out the truth. But be prepared to listen to anything that he has to say, it might be good for you, or even bad. Try to think logically, go to the root cause of it all and then make your decision. Don't screw it up by starting a fight before processing everything that he has to say. Maybe circumstances made him to cheat on you, but in that case you can forgive him for one and only time... But if he is a regular cheater than dump him.

Tell your lover was the person he was with worth losing you. Tell him if you aren't enough for him you are sure that you could find someone that you would be . Tell him it's easy to cheat it takes a special person to stay true to someone that they are suppose to Love. Ask him if the Grass was Greener on the other side.

based on these responses i wish would have worded this differently. what i meant was how do you move on in a healthy way and help rekindle the love forgetting about the past maybe that is alittle better

It is very hard to forgive. It all depends on both of you. A relationship consists of two people. You will never forget and you will alway doubt. The question is do you love enough that you are willing to live with that. Have they shown any true remorse? How are they working on making your relationship work? Do they really want to be with you and only you?

This is a choice. If you want to stay in the relationship, then forgive and move on. If you want out, then get out. But to stay and act as you want out is not fair to anyone.

Leave - once the trust is broken it is gone...

Have you 2 had that talk about not to see someone else. If you have not had this talk, then they have not broken their word to you.

Wow u deserve him because why else would u put up with that ****!

*****

keep your rude miserable comments to yourself

Hahaha sucks to be you! Desperate woman

Women like you are an embarrassment! Can't live without a man so put up with them ****** hoes? Hope u get an std

Your embarrassing yourself by talking like the piece of **** trash bag that you are and im sure you already have had plenty of stds cause your a hoe and think your worth more than you are keep acting hard behind ywour little computer cause id alap the **** out of you in person. weak ***** get of my page worthless **** bag

based on you profile its sucks to be you! putting up a front that you you dont need a man cause clearly you been hurt. act hard all you want your a week person who puts on an act from behind the computer to hide the little hurt ***** that you are. i see through your weekness just stop with you act no body cares your an attention *****

3 More Responses

You forgive them like you forgive a dead cat...make sure they remain dead :D

I gave the same problem . If you ever figure that out let me know it's been about three years and I still can't seem to get over it .

I wasted 14 years after the incident - never got the trust back. It isn't worth wasting your life on... if you can't get over it I suggest get out - give yourself a chance to be truly happy...

Talk about it and let it go

or you can pretend you cheated to get him to see if he cheated or not

I never believed that i could get back my husband after he left me with a divorce paper without calling or visiting. 2 years after our divorce, i did all that i knew best to get him back but nothing came out positive and my mum advised that i should forget about him and move on with my life... I searched solutions on net and i found a particular spell caster named Dr. Kpelede the great who people has testified about and i decided to give it a try too. Dr. Kpelede the great told me that i will get back my Husband with his spell within 12 to 16 hours. Surprisingly, my husband came back home has he said and my marriage was reunited again with the help of Dr. Kpelede the great. Worry no more, for a man has come to proclaim and help those who are depressed in their relationship. Contact him now via his E-mail on; kpeledesolutiontemple at gmail.com

I never believed that i could get back my husband after he left me with a divorce paper without calling or visiting. 2 years after our divorce, i did all that i knew best to get him back but nothing came out positive and my mum advised that i should forget about him and move on with my life... I searched solutions on net and i found a particular spell caster named Dr. Kpelede the great who people has testified about and i decided to give it a try too. Dr. Kpelede the great told me that i will get back my Husband with his spell within 12 to 16 hours. Surprisingly, my husband came back home has he said and my marriage was reunited again with the help of Dr. Kpelede the great. Worry no more, for a man has come to proclaim and help those who are depressed in their relationship. Contact him now via his E-mail on; kpeledesolutiontemple at gmail.com

Seriously?????

have you proof of your lover cheating on you? It will never go away, but to forgive is to never mention it again.

It will always be in the back of your mind. Once is all they get it happens again say adios

No forgiveness is being able to not hold onto it and let it taint things - forgiveness has nothing to do with mentioning it... there may be cause to bring it up

Remember, 2 chances and he/she is out

Everyone should get 2 chances

Im in the exact same spot. But she had his baby. Iv accepted the child as my own. But i still struggle so much with this. The only way i find to cope is to sit and talk out what your problems are. Like why, would they do it again, do they love you etc

Forget n forgive you've got to know it's very difficult for men to stay faithful!!!

Just get on with your life and don't keep bringing it up, but remember, there ain't no such thing as a third chance...

First you need to differentiate between "they cheated" and "think they cheated but not proven."

Having cheated once, there is high probability they will do so again -- are you ready for that?

Having cheated, they have betrayed you and your relationship. Will you forgive - many seem to. Will you forget - most seem unable to.

Having cheated - it is never the same again.

You have to ask yourself what is it you want. Are you willing to consider some form of an "arrangement" where either one or both partners agree to remain married but seek fulfillment of their unmet needs on the side? Is that something fundamentally unacceptable?

There is pain either way. If you remain together, there very well may be doubt. There is a pretty good chance they will cheat again - can you put up with that, or is all the time and effort in between then a waste that could have been better spent on a new relationship?

You need to think what is it you want, need and are willing to accept.

Wonderfully said and written.

thank you.

I know how you feel. I am in the exact same situation.

If you can't let it go and keep bringing it up he will be on the go. The trust is gone, so maybe he should be too.