Cheating is NOT a mistake!!! If you're truly in love with someone, you will not be able to kiss someone else without tasting your loved ones tear stained lips. You will not be able to take your clothes off for someone else feeling like a field ripped bare of its soil. Cheating is a choice, it's a choice you made because obviously you don't give a damn about your relationship.
TotalityOfMe TotalityOfMe
41-45, M
6 Responses Feb 27, 2016

Cheating is definitely a choice, but it can also be a mistake. At dinner, you can have coffee or herbal tea. You choose coffee. You can't sleep because your choice was a mistake.

Not to compare breaking the trust in a relationship to choosing a beverage.

Simply saying it happens because one doesn't care about a relationship is not accurate. Plenty of people care greatly about their relationships, and still cheat. I'm not trying to justify it or explain it away.

The reason most people cheat is that they aren't getting some need filled in their current relationship, and the cheating fills that need. Attention, excitement, variety, or any number of things could be the problem.

The question becomes is the relationship worth saving. The cheater and the cheated upon need to answer that. But in many cases cheating is both a mistake and a choice.

Well everyone is entitled to their own opinion. Have been cheated on myself by someone that was the center of my world I can tell you it was one of the most devastating things I've been through. She was the reason I woke up every morning and the reason I rushed home from work everyday. But because she made the choice the conscious decision to cheat that was no mistake or no accident. There is no rhyme nor reason or any other circumstance in a relationship that would lead to cheating. And if there is something in a relationship that is lacking or whatever the excuse is that should be discuss amongst each other. And if no decision or compromise is made then you go your separate ways. Nothing and I repeat nothing constitutes cheating. Not even being cheated on. Two wrongs don't make a right. And once you cheat there is NO second chance. There is no once you do it one time you'll do it again. You only have ONE chance.

First off, I'm sorry you had to go through that. The devastation you must have felt comes through in your posts.

You are also absolutely correct in saying that there are better solutions than cheating, such as better communication and honesty.

A niggling grammar point, I think what you meant to say was "Nothing, and I repeat, nothing JUSTIFIES cheating." I wouldn't go quite that far, but pretty much agree. If you want examples, let's take it to private messages.

You are also absolutely correct in that you can't undo it. Are you still with her? Did you find a way past the cheating, or did it break you up? In either event, I hope you're happier now.

Good luck.

Grammar has never been a strong point of mine. The funny part is when I use voice messaging on my phone with a heavy mountain backwoods southern accent. It doesn't even attempt to create a word. It just keeps saying try again. No I gave her the boot. I gave her ample opportunity to divulge her transgressions. I suspected it for a few weeks but I wanted her to admit what she was doing. But of course she kept denying it. So I accessed her phone through mine and I was able to discover encrypted messages. Then at that point she had no choice but to admit to it. Once that trust is broken there is no getting it back. "Sorry" works when a mistake has been made but not when trust is broken. So in life you make mistakes but never break trust. Because forgiving is easy but forgetting and trusting again is nearly impossible. One of my favorite Chinese proverbs says to "Grab a plate and throw it to the ground. Did it break? Yes. Now say I'm sorry. Now that it go back the way it was before? No. Now do you understand?"

I know what you mean, kind of. My divorce happened when I was 42. Neither of us cheated (well, I didn't, and I don't think she did). We just weren't a good fit anymore.

Good for you for having the strength to stand up for yourself and what you need. Know that you can go out and make the rest of your life amazing. My second wife is awesome, now that I know way better what I want and need in a woman. You can learn to trust some one (not the ex, someone else) again. And it can be everything you want, and even some great things that you never imagined, or never could imagine.

Any kids involved? That always makes it harder. Good luck.

I was married for 10 years at the age of 19. my ex wife's parents was always sticking their nose in a relationship. They convinced her to leave me not once but twice. After second time I told her never come back. And thank heavens we had no kids. that I took a few years off from relationships and took care of my mom until she passed away. The one I was referring to in my previous story I was not married too but I dated for a little over a year. We did not have any kids together but she had a seven year old daughter from a previous relationship.

Damn, that's a hard road. Sorry you're so unlucky in love. At least you have some more knowledge of what you want and need.

With anyone now? Dating?

Have you thought about some therapy? It might help you come to grips with what you've been through and who you are.

Well that's life. I've been to a lot to say the least. I've met a few others since then and it didn't go well. As a matter of fact I'm getting married in less than a week to a wonderful woman that has came into my life when I had just about gave up searching.

Now that's great news. Glad to hear you found someone. I hope you two have a long and happy life together, and have exactly as many kids as you want, whether that's zero or many.

Just be sure to be honest and open with her about all your experiences, and your baggage. If she is wonderful and loves you, she'll help you with it, and you should do the same for her.

Good luck.

Thanks. She knows about everything and vice versa. We are open and honest with each other. Maybe one child. I'm hoping for a little girl so I can teach her how to fish and work on cars. She can help me change oil in her little dress. But I would be blessed whatever it is girl or boy.

Saying that cheating is an addiction is throwing a blanket over the issues underneath it, in the same way that saying someone who is morbidly obese needs to eat less and exercise more. The issue is why do they eat so much and not exercise enough, and when one solves those issues, then the problem can be solved, and the weight taken off. Even with drugs, there is something driving the desire to start taking them and continue. Further, addiction in the traditional sense means a physiological dependance - if a heroin addict quits cold turkey, they can literally die from withdrawal. Treatment for that real addiction requires reducing the dosages gradually, and then determining how to keep the person clean. No one 'addicted' to cheating will die if locked in a cell for a month with no sexual partners.
A personal example - after my ACL surgery, the doctor prescribed vicadin for the pain. I took two of them in total, and couldn't stand the way I felt when I was on them, even though the pain was diminished. Yet some people get addicted to vicadin, even when they don't have any physical pain. What need is the drug filling for them, and how can that need be filled without the drug.
'Grass is greener' - that's a large part of it. A relationship with a spouse has many levels of interaction - sexual, managing finances, managing any children, how to spend together time, balancing work and home responsibilities for one or both spouses, etc. An affair has a sexual component, coordinating the places and times to meet, and a certain excitement and risk. Consider a nagging wife vs. a no strings attached mistress - who is sexier to a man?
The bottom line is that in almost any affair, a man or woman is getting something from it that they aren't getting from their spouse, whether it's something as simple as a kind of sex, or more compliments and affection, or the thrill of something illicit, or just something different. All of these can be addressed within the confines of the spousal relationship IF both people are honest and willing to talk about it.
Very important caveat - if one partner is doing something that causes the other partner to cheat, that doesn't excuse the cheating. What it does mean is that if both partners want to save the relationship, they both need to work at it. And the focus of that work needs to be both helping the cheated on partner get past their anger, disappointment and hurt, and for both partners to fill needs for each other so that cheating isn't required to meet unfulfilled needs.

Many cheaters lie to the AP as well as their spouse. And if it's easy to find affair partners, what does that say about the happiness of those potential partners, whether married or single?

My wife and I are living separately 2/3 of the year for work; I'm an academic, and during the school year I'm away. Three years of this, and I've never wanted to cheat on her. But if I did, I don't know how I'd go about finding a partner - I can't imagine it's that easy to do without letting all kinds of people know what I would be up to. Maybe I don't know how easy it would be because I haven't tried, but it certainly seems hard to me, even with the online options I imagine exist. (I'm looking for other positions that can have us living together; we know we can't do this forever, and we both hate the separation.)

Final point - if you claim cheating is an addition, what exactly is it an addiction to? Sex? Excitement? Sneaking around? Doing something potentially hurtful to the spouse? Digging deeper than a simple claim of addiction is needed. I mean, if it were that simple, wouldn't it have been solved already?

7 More Responses

Agreed.

I think you are right.. Sad to say but actually true! :)

Usually means you're inconsiderate self absorbed piece of trash

Absolutely

Yes! Very true!

This is very true ..if you truly love someone you will not cheat.I know i wouldn't.I love listening to music when i can't sleep ..it keeps me company when I'm alone sometimes all night long.