I am here on EP because I feel very lost, very alone, and I'm having a guilt complex too.

I found out a week ago that my wife of almost 30 years has been having an affair with the guy who she was seeing before my wife and I met. When she was seeing him before, she was still single and he was married. I feel like this guy has been following my marriage around, or maybe better yet, I was just a test drive and my wife went back to him.

I am so angry and hurt; you would never grasp how so..

I found out sort of by accident through social media (go figure). I can see this was going on for almost a year. My wife had been telling people on social media that she "was having a mid-life crisis." And when I confronted her, after she announced she is filing for divorce, she said that "she didn't want to become old and stuck." You can interpret that any way you want. I can't believe it. We got married back when most EP members weren't even born.

I have no friends to speak of now; the friends that (were) there are married people and when someone files for divorce, married people don't like to be in an awkward situation so they scatter. One of my two sons won't talk to me now; he says if I had been a better husband for his mom this wouldn't have happened. What a pile of crap. I think this year is going to suck. I went to the hospital a couple days ago because I was afraid I was going to hurt myself. Obviously I didn't. I have meds to take now, don't know if it's helping yet.

When I tell people about this they are very shocked. "30 years?" they say... Really? I was telling my story to one of my doctor's nurses and she started crying.. To be honest, it made me feel better (a little) to see someone else as upset as me. I have sobbing fits that seem to go on...and on....
thankgodformedication thankgodformedication
56-60, M
8 Responses Mar 10, 2016

The cheater always blames the other spouse.

Just keep remembering. This was not your fault. You didn't force her in bed with another man. She is only blame shifting to ease her guilt.

Have you exposed the affair to other mans wife.

I strongly suggest you do. Also if you havent already seperate any joint bank accounts Credit Cards etc.

So sorry you are going through this.

Stay Strong & Good Luck

Oh, and try not to feel guilty, unless you really did something to be guilty for. Say she always wanted you to remember her birthday, and you forgot for three years running. Feel guilty about that. But if you can't point at a specific thing you did, don't feel guilty.

My ex was really good at spinning things so that she was the nice innocent one, and I was the problem in the household. After our divorce and my moving out, the household didn't get much better for her and the kids, but I was at peace. Bored, lonely, and sad, but at peace. I just wish I could have helped the kids more.

In these situations, you have to listen to yourself first, and find your truth. Try to make it a good reflection of reality.

Good luck. PM me if you want to chat.

First off, make sure this isn't just some phase your wife is going through. Ask yourself if you want to separate from your wife, or if you want to fight to get her affection back? Once you can answer this for yourself, you can decide whether you want to argue for marital counseling or agree to divorce with as little pain as possible.

Unfortunately, you're right when you say this year is gonna suck. You are going to need to find coping mechanisms, and ways to fill your time and vent your anger. Exercise is really good for both of those, and if you end up a little more buff afterwards, all the better.

Another warning sign was that before the two of you were married, she was seeing a married man. That's usually a red flag for me (or would have been when I was dating, anyway). Someone who is willing to be the other woman is probably willing to have an affair and not take marriage as seriously as I would want my spouse to. Nothing to be done about that now, of course.

Finally, it's no fun to have sobbing fits that go on and on. But don't fight it. Honor that feeling. You're legitimately sad, and you should let it out (when you can) and not be embarrassed or feel that you're less of a man because you're crying. Let yourself be sad. The pain will diminish with time, and probably more quickly if you own it instead of repressing it.

When you're ready to do so (in any order):

1) Make new friends. Male and female. Hobbies, fun activities, gym, work, etc., are all places to spread your wings if you're not nailed down to a spouse.

2) Seek therapy for yourself. It makes a big difference, especially if they have you on meds now. And if telling your story to the nurse helped you feel better, maybe find a support group for people who were cheated on and/or left by spouses.

3) Prepare yourself to move on.

4) Don't take crap from your wife (or soon to be ex-wife). If she really wants a divorce, you can't stop her, but make it clear that if you split up, you're not getting back together with her after things fall apart for her.

5) Let her know that the likely result of her choice now will be that instead of being old and stuck she'll be old and alone, and her mid-life crisis will become a rest of life crisis.

6) Let her know that you're angry that your 30 years with her mean so little to her.

7) Don't worry so much about your son's reactions now. Truth will come out, and if she cheated on you and then initiated the divorce, its on her, not you. They will come around eventually. And you will get a chance to let them know your side of the story eventually. Exercise patience, and remember how much you love your sons.

Rough road. When my wife of 15 years told me she wanted a divorce, it was very hard. But I got through it, and now I'm married to a much nicer and better woman. Things do turn out OK in the end most of the time. I know that's small comfort to you now, but the idea that if you work at your own happiness you can get it should give you some hope for the future, however, things turn out.

Good luck. Be strong, and don't do anything you can't undo, without thinking about it for a long time beforehand.

Awwww... We understand what you went through but only you could feel the pain.. U need a friend and talking endlessly over some bottles of beer.. Take care of yourself.. Hugs

I am so sorry for what your going through because I am going through and have been where you are with my wife of 15 years. The initial shock and hurt are the worst I know but over time it will become more bearable I promise.
As far as the guilt goes I understand that as well because my wife told me if I was a real man she would not have cheated and may have wanted to stay married to me. She is also blaming her midlife crisis on me so I know the pain and hurt you feeling all too well.
I beg you not to hurt yourself and will remind you that the children will be the ones by it the most not her.
God bless and good luck, pm me if you need to talk

Your wife was just trying to dump her own guilt for splitting up with you onto you. It's complete bovine secretion (BS, that is). Flush it out with the rest of the stinky mess, and just try to keep your real feelings and memories.

You shouldn't feel any guilt.She spent many years with you This means you were a good person to be lived with.I was divorced twice.This doesn't mean that I am the guilty one , this means that they weren't the right ones.Once you get over your feelings , you'll find out that the bitter truth is better than the sweet lie.One day you'll live a happy truthful life.

You are not alone. I care, along with others. I, too, know these feelings. The pain is unbelievable, and I'm so sorry. Please continue to reach out to others. This is a journey no one should have to go through alone. PM me if you need someone to talk to. Love, and hugs to you, I will pray for you.

I am so sorry you are hurting.
30 years is a long time. Much too long to consider it a mere 'test drive', so please do not reduce yourself to that.
You spent over half your life with this person, and splitting up is going to feel all wrong for so many reasons.
Keep reaching out, even if only to vent your feelings online, or to others in your day to day life whom you trust and who care genuinely for you.
It's normal to feel you don't have any friends, but people are strange and sometimes they react oddly or disappointingly when you need them most.
You mentioned you are a Christian; so take comfort in your faith and know that God will never abandon or forsake you.
I was married for 25 years and became divorced and am now remarried.
Your life is not over.
It may feel like it, but your days will get better.
Concentrate on yourself and always try to have something to look forward to, even if it's just relaxing at home with your pet or having a nice meal.
It may help to look for ways to assist others with whatever they may be needing (if you can). This can oftentimes open other doors you never knew existed.
Each day is a new day with promise and opportunity.
You are going to make it.