Betrayed And Unable To Cope

I have been married to my husband for 4 yrs, but we've been together for 6.  Initially, when we started dating in the military, I was coming out of a period of abstinence and I decided to give it a go with him because he was attractive.  I soon found out that he had lied about his name, having a vehicle, and other small things that normal people just don't have a reason to lie about.  He moved in with me after like 3 months of dating and soon asked me to get a cell phone for him in my name.  After doing this, I begin to notice him talking to other females behind my back and he just simply started being disrespectful.  I would get ticked off at him and we would argue and I would do things out of my character like turn off his cell phone and throw stuff of his away out of anger.  Long story short, we maintained the relationship and things just got worse and worse.  The disrespect never stopped and he also was cheating on me the entire relationship in some form or fashion, all the while I was the one taking care of him the whole entire time financially, emotionally, and physically.  After I moved down to his hometown to be with him I soon found out that I was pregnant.  Omg, the ex girlfriend started coming up to my job, he would tell me to leave and go move in with my parents back home during heated arguments.  If I didn't feel like having sex with him, he would say I would regret it.  When I was 8 months, he got saved and asked me to marry him--that was the only reason I did it because I know he would never have been a good man for me before.  6 months after he got saved, he backslid and started the same old mess again; the disrespect, calling other females, cheating, and even became physically abusive at times with me.  I had a son by him in the situation so I just dealt with it the best that I could but all the while I had resentment towards him.  He would get fired from job after job and he did not have the persistence to get up and do something with his life.  I stayed on his back about doing things for himself to better his life and even helped him get the job he has now.  So, when he got the job I began to see an even worse change in him.  He began to dress better and became more cocky about himself.  All the while, we would argue at home more and more and he just never provided me with any security in the marriage and he didn't help 50% with the things that he was supposed to.  I withdrew from desiring him in the bedroom because it was like he always wanted to have sex, but never do things that made me want to give myself to him willingly.  He would treat me horribly throughout our relationship but expected me to always want him as he wanted me.  I just felt like I never had him to myself and that he never treated me the way that I deserved to be treated as a woman because he would always watch **** behind my back, get loans without me knowing, and anything else he felt like doing behind my back.  This made me lack so much as a woman and take a second look at my decisions that I've made over the past few years.  Fast-forward to the present time 2 kids later and pregnant with the third, he ups and leave me 2 weeks after I quit my job and told me that he wouldn't give me anything to help me with the rent and bills.  I had to go file for child support and things started to get really messy.  A few months later, I learn he is also sleeping with someone, as I discovered his affair on his facebook page and I lost it.  I totaled his vehicle (mind you he stole my money to finance it after he left) and I was in such heartache and pain.  He moves back home 8 days later because I was about to go in labor and I needed help with the children. Now, he wants to make this marriage work but I am so broken that I don't know if I have the strength to do it.  He seems apologetic at times, but I get this real cocky side to him when we argue as if he really isn't remorseful.  He had no std testing results and expects me to have sex with him and has also been pressuring me--which makes me sick to my stomach at times.  I feel like I am totally losing myself and I feel so stupid for allowing him to come back into my life.  Just the other day he tells me I don't know how to dress and I embarrass him in public sometimes when he is the reason I don't have money to by myself things because he keeps us in debt and he never does anything for me--no hair, nails, clothes, nothing.  I am a beautiful woman and I get hit on daily from guys.  My husband says he doesn't want to see me with another man, but I feel like he has had all his fun and wants to play daddy and hubby now because it is convenient for him.  I feel so used and I just don't know what to do.  I feel that if I leave him, he would not be in my kids lives as he is supposed to because that is what he did when he abandoned us a few months ago.  He still doesn't treat me as if he owes me anything and he told me if I expected that, I have another thing coming. Mind you, when he came back he agreed that we can take it one day at a time but that was a lie.  he expects me to just forget about the past and deal with the now, yet he doesn't like to answer questions I have for him without an attitude and shutting down.  We went to counseling once and he shut down in there after I expressed one of the things he does to hurt me and would not accept it for what it is and did not talk to me for days afterwards.   I know I need to pray, but what can I do? My oldest loves his father and thinks he is his world (when he abandoned us, he began to have emotional issues and went into fits often).   I am so lost and hurt and I am tired of this man preying on my inability to simply walk away.  I know I will never rebuild on my self-esteem and my life if I continue to deal with this.  Also, I am afraid how it will affect the kids if I leave.

wifeynmommy06 wifeynmommy06
26-30, F
Feb 18, 2010