The One Who Is Never Suppossed To Hurt You.....

can hurt you the most.  My husband and best friend of 20 years has a girlfriend.  I never in a million years imagined he would cheat on me.  I trusted him completely and to discover he is the cause of this terrible pain is unbelievable.  I found in Sept 09 that he had been seeing someone for four months.  At first, he claimed they had just started seeing each other, they were just friends, they had so much in common and he wasn't happy with our relationship felt like we had nothing in common and weren't connecting anymore.  He swore he would end it....he didn't. 

Here we are 5 months after I first knew about it and he is still calling her every day, texting and possibly seeing her, she lives an hour away so I'm not sure but at this point nothing would surprise me.  We've gone thru hell the past 5 months.  Everytime I start to believe he's working on us, I find out he's still contacting her.  I put a spy program on his blackberry-he got another phone.  I discovered that one and she bought him one on her plan.  I found both phones one night went to the library and set up online access so I could view activity on all three phones.  He still doesn't know this and can't figure out how I know he is still contacting her-I have always been smarter than him-and I won't tell him if I know anything for sure but I do.

He now tells me he wants to stay in the marriage, is going to counseling alone and is working on giving her up completely but needs to do it his way so he has no regrets.  I bounce back and forth from trying to be patient (like I haven't been for five months) he really does act like he loves me and wants to stay and if I didn't know he was still in contact with her I'd never know.  We have three boys (16, 13, 12) and have built a nice life that is totally intertwined and would be torture to unwind. 

So here I am waiting for him to give her up, feeling like a complete idiot because I've heard this so many times before and wondering if it's all worth it.  I do truly love him and know we could be great together.  We've never had any real problems in our marriage other than growing complacent and taking each other for granted and not staying connected.  So I know we could build a great relationship if we both want it, I'm just not sure he wants it enough or if I can hold out long enough til he makes that decision without losing too much self respect.  A divorce would be so hard on everybody and I never imagined I would be in this place.    I heard something that makes me stop every time I think about telling him to leave (I have several times and he refuses) they said you're not ready for a divorce until you can make the decision without anger or resentment and need to be completely at peace with it or you'll regret it the rest of your life.  I'm not sure if that's true. 

Is anybody ever completely at peace with being a failure at the most important relationship in their life, with giving up dreams of a life-long marriage, with destroying their childrens'  family and home and forever subjecting them to parents living seperately and causing them to question what commitment, love and  faithfulness really mean.  How do you be at peace with that.  I'm obviously not there yet and I doubt I ever will be. 

I guess I need to figure out for myself where the tipping point is.  When is enough, enough?  When do I put my sanity and self respect above all the reasons I should be trying to keep this together? 

Still working on those answers everyday.

aphope aphope
41-45, F
4 Responses Feb 18, 2010

PS...... when u think he is ready and starts to seek u out more, maybe that would be a good time to move into the idea of COUPLE COUNCELING!? There are some good christian marriage retreats as well. Plz keep me updated if ud like , send me personal emails if u ever just need to talk or vent. I have been there and I know how lonely and hard it can be!

Good for you! Just don't forget to respond to him when u feel him drawing closer to u. The goal is to win his heart back and show him u two can have a good relationship again. If he doesnt,.... what can u do? We cant force our men or anyone to love us and want to be with us all we can do is show some self dignity and love ourselves enough to do what is best for us. It's a hard road ur on and I dont wish it on anyone. These are painful choices, but remember u were the committed one, u were always right there so dont blame urself for his choices. I wish u the best!! I am so proud of u for standing up for urself and I will be praying for u and ur marrriage!!

Thank you so much for your advice and I have already started looking for a room. I agree he needs to be shaken into the reality of possibly losing everything. He's been sitting on the fence too long trying to figure out what he wants while I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop and I'm tired of living this way.

First off let me say that my heart goes out to you. The pain of betrayal is unbearable at times, but trust me u do survive and time does heal and lots of prayers don;t hurt either. ;)<br />
<br />
If you don't mind I'd like to suggest a few things to you..... ( ESPECIALLY IF U THINK THIS AFFAIR IS SEXUAL)<br />
I think ur hubby is not totatlly sure about this other woman yet. Perhaps shes married or he just isn't sure they want to totally betogether. I say this because most men will NOT leave their wives until they KNOW the other relationship is serious enough. So there is hope.<br />
If i were you I would move out for a while. I'm sure it would be easier for him to go but that my force him into her arms. If you can find a room to rent for a few hundred for even just a month and come and go when u want I think that would give u some power back and it would cause him to really start ot look at whats happening in this relationship and that he may actually lose you.. as long as u are sitting at home waiting for him to make a choice u lose power and allow him to continue his affair. You are making it to easy.<br />
Now when u move out ( not 100%) but leaving when u feel u need to u need to let him know why u are doing this " I NEED TIME TO THINK ABOUT WHAT I WANT"..... all the time u are not shutting him out u need to make sure u look great when he sees u and have a great attitude. Be happy and fun... after all this is what our men were drawn to us for in the first place. Don't chase him, but when he does try to draw close to u make sure u RESPOND TO HIM :go out to dinners etc..and just have fun. Many nights u can stay home, make great meals and just really spend time with him.<br />
In many ways u can become this "OTHER WOMEN: only ur the better one because u have his heart u are his wife u have many years together.<br />
Do some fun unexpected sexy things with and for him but only as he seeks u out.<br />
IF he doesnt pursue u , then u remain happy kind but a loof. Something has to give here!!! One way or another this has ot come to an end.<br />
If u are SURE its only an emotional affair,..... I would do everything else but not move out.<br />
That's my 2 cents worth of advice. I wish u the best and I truly hope ur marriage makes it!!!