I had previously invited my hubby to read what I had posted on EP since it's so much easier for me to express myself in written form than verbally (to him anyway). He never took me up on it because he felt that was kind of like reading someone's diary (which it is--albeit a public one). Anyway, he became curious recently after he could sense an air of detachment initiated by me. I think that comes from the confidence I've experienced by relating to those suffering similar problems on this site. I now know what our problems are despite his unwillingness to admit them.
Anyway, he came to bed the other night very deeply contemplative and we had a very good conversation. He told me a couple of days later that he had read my posts and that was what initiated the depth of his understanding. I felt I had finally gotten through to him about the pain his behavior has inflicted on me. I don't know why he would always marginalize what I would try to say to him before about our issues---but seeing them in print and reading actual descriptions about how I view our marriage, the toxicity I feel (felt) being around him and what EXACTLY it is about him that causes me to feel the way I do made a huge impact. It never did before when I expressed them verbally right in front of him to a marriage therapist. I just came to a realization that verbally he always has his boxing gloves on because of his verbally abusive father. But the threat is much less in writing because he can choose to click off or stop reading when he would want to. Your eyes have eyelids, but not your ears!! Wow this is making sense to me. I always inherently knew I could never spar with him verbally because he always wins. This is really the only even playing field for me and it allows him to let his defenses down long enough to pay attention to what's actually being said. It's almost like he listens with his primitive brain to verbal information, but I can communicate with his higher level thinking in writing. How strange!!!
I don't think he would be as responsive had my thoughts been scribbled on paper for no one else's eyes to see. Maybe it's just the primitive man response when he saw there are other people responding to my posts about this very personal issue in our marriage. The reason he is finally is dealing with the real problem (I think) primarily is because he doesn't like this about himself and wants to change. The fact that other people now "know" about it (anonymously anyway) embarrasses him but provides that push to force him to change.
Thank you EP!! I think he finally "gets it". This has been better therapy than I've gotten for big dollars in the past. I'm making a small donation to this website that has been a saving grace for me and my family. Thank you!!