Divorced Twice Is a Social Stigma

Just dealt with second divorce. My first marriage failed because he hid the fact that he had drinking habit and second one due to his mother's harassing nature and he hid that he was not potent. Can you please guide me that how to identify a person. People hid facts and also their real nature and behaviour, which are revealed after marriage. It is very difficult to identify a person from inside. I am in my 30's and I know that life is long but I dont have the courage to get married again anytime in my life. I am depressed. Who will believe my innocence now, who will trust me that there was no fault of mine ??

msdepressed msdepressed
31-35, F
4 Responses Jan 9, 2009

Dear twice divorced,<br />
Divorce is not a stigma. Please forgive yourself. I am twice divorced and have two failed common-law relationships. I just remarried for the third time this past September. What I have learned is<br />
1-marry into your own generation and your the geographical location of your upbringing. You will have much in common, same movies, music and similar experiences. My husband and I are both 1500 miles from home yet oddly found each other. He is my playmate and friend. Older men tend to be condecending and know-it-all and younger men often are looking for a mommy. Of course there are exceptions, but this has been my overall experience.<br />
2-marry a man with children that are the same age as yours. If his children are grown, he will make you feel bad for not putting him first. He is wanting to go out and enjoy experiences that we are all denied with the joyful responsibility of raising children. If his children are younger than yours, you may feel ripped off since you have already been through these stages and don't want to teach someone how to tie their shoes or take time off work to drive them to sport practice, again. <br />
3-watch closley how he treats the women in his life. Does he treat his mother, ex-wife and sisters with respect or are they just *effing ******** when he finishes an encounter with them? If they are then it will just be a matter of time until you are too.<br />
4-Take whatever steps neccessary to make sure that you are financially self sufficent prior to entering a new relationship. Build a beautiful home surrounded with things that you love but have denied yourself, be it contemporary art, a country kitchen or a french provincial bedroom. Then invite someone to share your life with you, not be your life.<br />
I am sorry if I sound a bit harsh, I just want you to value yourself first and really look at your needs rather than mould them into whatever you THINK a man wants.<br />
Hope this helps and there is nothing wrong with you. I met my first husband at 16, he had a big black harley and was a fun boyfriend. He was a terrible father and husband. My second husband ran off with the neighbor's 26 year old Jamacian nanny. Funny now, sure wasn't then. Just laugh and tell yourself, I won't be doing that again...

I am twice divorced too. At one time society looked down on one divorce. Now that is almost expected. Twice is a stigma and it hurts. But we have each other. I am marrying again this month and my fiance has been married three times. We took two years to get to know each other. It is hard to go into this without a lot of fear. My first husband threw me out of the house one night. He saved up anger from 13 years of marriage and hit me with it all at once. Later I learned he had his eye on another woman. My second husband hid the fact that he had done multiple prison sentences all for violent crimes including a few assaults on police officers. I am too trusting of people. Those who judge us are not risk takers. Many of them lead boring lives and just wish they could do some of the things we've done. It takes guts to marry again after a divorce, and to still have hope after two of them, in the face of the stigma, is amazing. God gives me hope. I read a lot of stories of people who had many failures in life before they were finally successful. I met a gray haired older man who told me he was about to celebrate his 30 year wedding anniversary. He had two divorces before he met the right woman. They married and raised children. It's not a sin to try and fail and try again. It is a sin not to try.Hang in there!!!

To answer your question of how to identify/trust again, infortunately I cannot answer that one for you, except to suggest that you date someone for a very long time before you make any decisions about marriage. I am also in my 30s, twice divorced, and I feel cheated out of my 20s, wasting over a decade finding out both men were not who I thought they were, and here I am with nothing but a couple of life lessons to show for it. While I am happy for the life lessons, they seem so simple now, and lessons most people I know apparently already knew about. Not that I don't know anyone else who is divorced, but their reasons are tragic stories of infidelity, abuse, etc., and mine are just that I got tricked by a--holes and my own tendency to trust and believe the best in them. In spite of it, I still believe in marriage, and I do want to have a family one day, so I guess my advice is to take one day at a time, be honest in your conversations about the circumstances, and do not lower your expectations just because you think you are somehow 'tainted' by your divorces. They do not make you a bad person, and can only define who you are IF you let them! Good luck to you and to everyone with a story like ours.

I feel your pain as it's the mirror of my own pain. I've been told without hope you have nothing...perhaps we can both hold onto hope. <br />
<br />
My goal is to make it through one day without thinking about my loss or failure. Let's both try to achieve that goal this week. I have great friends who continue to encourage me but none of them have been divorced so it's hard to relate. I am hoping this forum will give us both the support we need.