I Am So Confused

I am really confused and often think I am the crazy one.  I find myself doing things that just aren't me...

My boyfriend of three years (off and on and complicated) decided that he was going to move from AZ to California where I had just moved to a few months prior.  The plan was to move in together.  We spent three , four months planning and talking about it.  He found a job and came to visit.  We were so thrilled and I was so excited to finally feel like I had the opportunity to spent time with someone I considered to be my best friend and soulmate.  I had known him for ten years.

He was due to arrive on Friday, today, and start his new job Monday.  He called me Monday evening, out of the blue, and told me he wasn't coming, he couldn't do it.  He offered no explanation beyond that.  I have never felt so taken back in my entire life.  It didn't feel real and my whole body went numb.  He had left all his things in the closet and even his computer was at the apartment.  Anyone would feel sad about this, but what makes it worse is that I think he has been emotionally abusing me this whole time and I coudln't see it. 

He used to "encourage me" (in an intense way) to grow my hair long and make it blonder than it was.  He often made comments on my body and would check in on if I had lost weight, he used to tell me my sister was prettier than me, he even told me my female anatomy was wierd and bizzare (not normal), he told me my breasts were too small.  He often would threaten to break up with me.  He told me that I didn't buy him an expensive enough xmas present even though I spent much time buying him things.  He wouldn't even change his myspace profile to say he was in a relationship.  He would have these young 19 year old girls on his page and would often make up wierd reasons why. 

The thing is even right this I often wonder if I am over reacting, if he is in actually just a normal guy.  My gut tells me he was sleeping with many other women, not just me.  I was really upset and embarrased by the whole situation.  I was so in love with him.  I got upset and ended up messaging a girl I knew he had been seeing to find out if they were still sleeping together but more to warn her.  I feel sooooooooooooo dumb.  I should not have done that.  I feel like I sunk to his level.  He ended up texting me and saying "You are a crazy ***** and if you message anyone else I will ruin your name." 

Am I a crazy *****?  Is there something wrong with me?  I feel so lost?  Everyone tells me I don't take enough credit for myself and that this guy was just really bad news.  Something won't let me believe that.  I just feel so guilty for contacting that girl.  Was I wrong?  I can't forgive myself.
sunshine123 sunshine123
7 Responses Feb 1, 2008

I really believe it is important to trust you intuition about when someone is bad news. It would have saved me from so much abuse. At the times when I have been abused in the past, I was doing what I was taught to do, but my intuition was screaming 'get away'! Now I wish I had listened to it. Listen to what you are taught also, listen to a variety of things, but make sure you listen to your own intuition. The things you listed ARE abusive things. The right man for you will not abuse you in those ways. I have a small chest too, but my husband tells me he likes it, even when I am frustrated by its lack of size. I am SO glad I married him instead of the abusive boyfriend that I dated on again off again for a couple of years. I left that guy before I ever met my husband, but I'm so glad I waited, hoping a better man would be out there. Because he was, and I wouldn't have noticed, if I was still focused on that other guy.

Girl! get out and stay away from him. From what you wrote, he sounds toxic and will only crush you more. I have been there. I really love my solitude now. I have my son, and the friend i live with, he's quite a bit older than me 17 years. We attempted a relationship, but now we are working on a great friendship. I sleep on the couch and have for a long time now. I have been through a few emotionally abusive relationships and stayed in them for long periods of time, cause i don't like dating around. <br />
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I am actually happy now and not in the need a male companionship. I have enough with the good friend I live with and my awesome son and cat. <br />
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It may not be ideal, I used to believe my soulmate was out there, not sure if I have one, but I am not worried about that anymore. I live day to day, with the ups and downs and thank karma God that I am not in any of those horrible relationships anymore.<br />
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I am so happy for you. I hope he's good to you as you deserve.<br />
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Peace and Light

oh and don't feel stupid for following your gut and calling that girl. First off she should want to know and second you have every right to know the truth, so you can protect yourself. Just know now that is over and you never have to make that awful call again:)

That guy is a crazzy *** creep who is abusive and a lier. You are right to leave his sorry butt. And he only threatened you because he's scared and I highly doubt he has the balls to actually f*** with you. You are better than him and he doesn't deserve you. Don't bring yourself down because of what he said. Most of what he said was his opinion of you. Those shouldn't matter anymore if you realize how horrible he is. I really hope the best for you and your future.

his insults are cruel. the only reason he lashes out at you is because of his immense self hatred. one cannot truly love another when they cannot love themselves. this guy is filled with so much hate, he doesn't have room for love. he was insulting you, and making you feel unworthy of him, and trying to bring you down, in the hopes of him having some company down there. don't let him drag you down.

You are no where near crazy and he is no where near normal. You had every girt to contact the girl. <br />
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I totally agree with ALLsidesofme. He has you right where he wants you. you need to take back control of your own life.

I'm glad U shared ur story because that helps U to start healing ur self. And I want to let U know that U R among friends on this site where no one can judge U on just being human not dumb! keep ur head up because the waste is out of ur life!

hey girl! Don't feel guilty. You were finally acting on your gut feeling. His reaction was a guilty one if you ask me. If you were innocent, and someone messaged someone you knew and u found out, how would you react?? If you were innocent would you call them a derogatory name and then threaten them? I dont think so. Either way, I agree with your friends. Oh, and if you feel guilty, he has you right where he wants you. You don't need him! Take charge of your life sweetie and leave him in the dust!