I Am So ConfusedI am really confused and often think I am the crazy one. I find myself doing things that just aren't me...
My boyfriend of three years (off and on and complicated) decided that he was going to move from AZ to California where I had just moved to a few months prior. The plan was to move in together. We spent three , four months planning and talking about it. He found a job and came to visit. We were so thrilled and I was so excited to finally feel like I had the opportunity to spent time with someone I considered to be my best friend and soulmate. I had known him for ten years.
He was due to arrive on Friday, today, and start his new job Monday. He called me Monday evening, out of the blue, and told me he wasn't coming, he couldn't do it. He offered no explanation beyond that. I have never felt so taken back in my entire life. It didn't feel real and my whole body went numb. He had left all his things in the closet and even his computer was at the apartment. Anyone would feel sad about this, but what makes it worse is that I think he has been emotionally abusing me this whole time and I coudln't see it.
He used to "encourage me" (in an intense way) to grow my hair long and make it blonder than it was. He often made comments on my body and would check in on if I had lost weight, he used to tell me my sister was prettier than me, he even told me my female anatomy was wierd and bizzare (not normal), he told me my breasts were too small. He often would threaten to break up with me. He told me that I didn't buy him an expensive enough xmas present even though I spent much time buying him things. He wouldn't even change his myspace profile to say he was in a relationship. He would have these young 19 year old girls on his page and would often make up wierd reasons why.
The thing is even right this I often wonder if I am over reacting, if he is in actually just a normal guy. My gut tells me he was sleeping with many other women, not just me. I was really upset and embarrased by the whole situation. I was so in love with him. I got upset and ended up messaging a girl I knew he had been seeing to find out if they were still sleeping together but more to warn her. I feel sooooooooooooo dumb. I should not have done that. I feel like I sunk to his level. He ended up texting me and saying "You are a crazy ***** and if you message anyone else I will ruin your name."
Am I a crazy *****? Is there something wrong with me? I feel so lost? Everyone tells me I don't take enough credit for myself and that this guy was just really bad news. Something won't let me believe that. I just feel so guilty for contacting that girl. Was I wrong? I can't forgive myself.