It Takes A Long Time To HealWhen I was a child, I had been caned (free style---me running around with the cane chasing me, landing on random part of my body, and then getting kicked if I fell on the ground), slapped on the face, cursed in all areas of my life, threatened by violence anytime anywhere, and yelled at day and night for years. I was constantly abused verbally. I never had real peace at home. When I found temporary sanctuary in school, the conditioning I got from family would follow me and eat me piece by piece. The poisonous effects would affect my non-family life all the time, and as a child I didn't realize that how my abuses impacted me and that it wasn't my faults that things didn't go well with me all the times because of the poisons. I was always guilty and fearful.
On Ep, I always give people encouraging words, and seldom mention my own abused past, because the wounds were pretty much healed (I thought), and I don't consider I am still being abused. However, I am still dealing with the consequences of what others did to me but I didn't realize how extensive the consequences were even just a while ago.
It took me years to heal. I went to University and it became a therapeutic facility for me. Other than study I played a lot of basketball, hung out with friends, joined Christian fellowship, and others. I used that time to seek spiritual insights for my life. All of these were hardworks, and came with their own shares of disappointments and challenges due to my past.
It haunted me. The flashbacks (not just the older memories, but of whatever latest emotional events because of the way my brain developed) came whenever I tried to study. My brain would bring back hurtful emotional memories when I tried to study with sound logic. It's like when you feel itchy in one place, but it's a wrong signal from the brain. The brain isn't supposed to work that way. It wasn't supposed to give you flashbacks whenever you try to study math. It's supposed to remain its focus on math.
My peers with similar intelligence were able to study with extensive hours, but I had to take frequent breaks from my mental torments---the flashbacks, the hurtful words, the loneliness, the insecurities, the depressions... I thought it was normal and everyone had similar issues, but they just somehow handled them better than me. I would ask them how they manage to focus so well, but they couldn't give me answers.
Now I know that when a child grew up with fear and anxiety, the architecture of the brain would be different than peers who lived a relatively unthreatened life. I don't mean reasonable physical discipline, but the emotional/phsycial/whatever abuses that kept a child in anxiety all the times. I only learned about that recently when I read a scientific study on child development. It says the brain wiring of a child would be different than others if he is frightened enough. The brains of tramatized kids would easily memorize emotional events and relive them over and over, instead of retaining non-threatening information such as math or textbook knowledge or work related info.
I had been in a state of fear and anxiety for 20 years due to my family, and when I left home, the pattern of fears and anxiety were dead set. I didn't realize how I brought the pattern with me into adulthood. Whatever challenge I faced, I used fears as the primary motivators to push myself to overcome it. It only made things worst everytime I did that (unconsciously). Or I would succeed in the short term, but eventually collapsed.
If not for my past, maybe I could have become an actuary by 26 or something. I could have a family, a house, a dog, and a car... debt free.
Being abused and having to take care of the consequences for so long come with a lot of disadvantages. For example, I get judged a lot, because my friends don't understand why I live under my potential financially and academically. They don't know why I sometime zone out. Some people get mad at me when I was locked in my own inner world and failed to respond to them. It can take me a few seconds to come back to reality when people call my name a few times.. Employers and workers don't understand why I am so absent-minded, slow, and clumsy. I have to worry about getting fired constantly (more fears reinforcement). I have manifested one self-fulfilling prophecy after another because of my fear ba
My mom think I am lazy and only love reading my Bible and pray, but she doesn't know God is the only reason I haven't committed suicide. I would have been dead long ago if not for my relationship with God. I thought I was just lazy too (guilt and bad self-esteem). I had to use a lot of willpower to start anything.
Even now, when I am doing job search and looking at job postings that I am not qualified to get because of my past, I would think about how easy my peers were able to land in good jobs, and how much they have accomplished already by now, and I would get depressed. There are so much tears and long hours of disabling sleeplessness/inactions/torments/depressions everytime I tried to resume my quest on job searching and professional license exams.
I couldn't breath and my eyes visions turn bad whenever I engaged in crucial tasks such as doing work, job searching, and studying because of my wounds/fear-associations/conditionings. I cannot tell my parents this, because them knowing that I have depressions would only make them angry because they would think I blame them for my struggles. I feel that they would only use it against me instead of reconsidering how they handled things.
They kind of knew. I know somehow they sensed that they have destroyed me. It must have hurt my dad a lot because it was a pleasant surprise for him that I grew up to become a man that he never thought I could become, but somehow this man is being destroyed constantly despite of his potentials and efforts. The power of the curses that they had spoken over me were showing their effects despite my short-lived breakthoughs in life.
I have chosen to forgive and forget. I have even asked for forgiveness from my abusers. There have been healings, but everytime I thought the healing was almost completed, I would later find out more aftermaths from my past that I have to deal with.