Mom Kicked (My?) DogSo my dad initiated to buy me a dog to relieve my depression. I opposed to the idea vigorously, because I knew something bad was going to happen to that dog. Beside, I felt bad that someone had to buy that dog because I couldn't even afford a little dog myself.
Mom was excited and kept saying that dad made her do it when I told her NOT to buy a dog, and that it was a BAD idea.
I didn't let myself attach to any animal in the house, and I will explain why. However, I do my best to care for and pay attention to each animal, because I feel responsible for their pyschological and physcial need. You either don't own them at all, or you have to make sure they are happy if they are under your care. But my mom see it as a weakness of mine to torture me with, sadly.
Few months later she kicked that dog in the stomach in front of me. Maybe she didn't know what she was doing, but subconsciously she did try to hurt me through hurting the dog. She was mad at me for letting him out. He was stressing her out lately b/c he was chewing the dry wall in a couple of places, but it was an easy and cheap fix. (I was aware of her stress, but I figured that the dog won't go crazy when someone is accompanying him, and she knew that too)
After a few moments of silence and calm, I finally told her it was a felony to abuse animal here in Canada, and a vet might find out what happened to him and report it to the police, and I told her to either give it away or keep it and train it, and that she shouldn't do something like that in front of me, cuz it was affecting me negatively.
For 2 hours straight afterward I was unable to function or focus at all. I was just laying on the ground in my room not exactly thinking nor feeling anything. I was just not functional.
It was so bad. She has done it to almost every animal we ever owned, and that usually happened right after I expressed affection to them. She was trying to make a statement to me each time, but maybe she didn't realize it.
Why do I still live with her? I used to think it was biblical to stay with your parents until you marry. I used to think that a single man shouldn't live on his own, because without family a single man tend to engage in risky behavors, according to study, and it seems wise to save some rent money. To keep myself out of trouble I chose to live with my family. (and the house is expensive, so it would be a waste to treat it like a cottage and only a couple of people live there. My mom isn't even in Canada half the year) Today I think it permanently changed my belief on this.
This is conditioning. This was how I got conditioned to numb my feelings since very little. I was trained to not let myself attach to anything good. I was trained to not wanting any pet. I was trained to not expecting good things to last. Why? because if I do, something like that will happen to destroy any joy I had. Any happiness will only make it more painful when things break apart, and break apart it will. My entire family always ensured it to end that way. I could almost predict it with 100% accuracy
And did I mention that since little my mom had tried to kick me on the crotch several times too? She couldn't do that to me cuz I dodged and tighten my legs to avoid getting hurt, so a dog would be an easier target I guess. How emasculating! Dad said I had no balls, and mom tried to kick my balls and my dog's balls. (what a great way to actualize that curse of my dad. God forbids! but i guess being an enuch can help me better fulfills the career as a doormat that my mom has been training me to be my entire life?)
To rub it in, my younger brother was beating him to "train" him not to bark so my mom would let him stay. What a living hell (my?) dog is going through.
Don't hate my family though, and I am praying for them. Don't counter my prayers with any negative intention. We were all sinners at some points in life.
Happy Wednesday-night/Thursday-morning/Thanksgiving my friends!
Excellency 26-30, M 5 Responses 2 Nov 23, 2011