Mom Broke The DishesShe expects me to clean the dishes 3 times a day. If I happen to zone out due to other responsibilities, she gets mad, and sometimes snaps. Today she got down right hysterical. She made big noises by clanking the dishes like she always do whenever she has to do some chores. By then she never let me take over though, but would insist on doing it while making passive agressive comments, making me feel bad and guilty.
This time she went so far as to break the dishes into pieces. I lost count of how many times she has done something like that so far. She used to make many huge drama everytime I had mid-term, final, and other big exams. It's a wonder how I graduated college with an honor degree...
Today she howled loudly and lashed out on me. Up to the last minute I tended to be her victim ( I use past tense to avoid negative predictions, which tend to come true). Maybe someone got her mad, but I tended to be the one she finalized her wrath with.
Maybe I was always there for her to abuse. Maybe this is a habit (which she once said). Then all I need to do is to ninja away from now on... Yay! I actually worried about getting stabbed while asleep though. The subconsciousness would think Oh if she could get so violence, then maybe she would kill me when I lower my guard)
It all started by me thinking about going to work in Hong Kong for the next few months, then the dog barked (see the "Mom kicked my dog" story), and the dishes went unwashed for about an hour... and then she snapped.
I wanted to take over the dish washing but she wouldn't let me. The moment she broke the dishes into pieces I went upstair to change, and walked out of the house. It felt so liberating. I was like "how come I never thought of that! I have feet I could walk with. Thank God")
I was not mad or anything, but what was I supposed to do? Be her whipping post and stood there and be tempted to say the wrong things? At that point she got so violent. What was I to do? Feel guilty b/c I somehow made her mad? (and further destroy my self esteem by self-blame as if I haven't blamed myself enough my whole life? Reward her behavor by comforting her?)
So I took a long long walk. I walked for 10 hours in the cold wind and rain of Canada weather in the late November. I did people watching, bible reading, praying, speaking with familiar store owners, smiling at kids, calling friends and asked how they were doing, and just daydreamed about everything, for a total of 10+ hours. I walked like 4 blocks.
Having failed the professional exam again last week, my campaign to get a job in my study field was burst (for now at least). Then I applied for teacher college, did some job searching, and discovered my problem with ADHD. So many crises and battles which was usual for my life. This time I don't feel like muddling through, however, which is good. I felt very liberated the moment I walked out of the scene. I had a lot of smiles during my long walks. I had loving, compassionate, and happy thoughts. There were some numbness, as I usually did whenever I got tramatized. There were disturbing mental images of me reliving quite a few tramatizing moments with mom of course, but that was usual for a PTSD suffer like me, but I had hopes. I could see how patience can help me get through what I am going through. I believe I will finally see good times in my life---good career, good spouse, good life...
Excellency 26-30, M 0 Nov 28, 2011