You Don't Hear Me

My mother never wanted me. My father was abusive and he always denied we were his whenever my mother discovered she was pregnant. I am the one of her children who looks a lot like my father. From the time I can remember from a small child, everything I did was wrong. I wanted to take tap dancing lessons and she did not want to pay for them because it was me. She didn't like any of my friends, and it did not dawn on me until i finally had to do some soul searching that she had programmed me to be set up for failure. I was the only child in my family that never had the chance to drive to school, I always had to take the bus. My mother picked out the worst looking prom dress for me and I was so embarrased. My father drove  me to my prom in his clonker just to embarass me, which he did. My parents removed me from all of my childhood friends to put me in a private school when I went to high school. I was so lost at that time, and did not realize that they did not want me to have a support system.

My mother used to beat me for no reason, and I have some left over scares to prove it. When I was 12 years old, she became pregnant with my little sister. My mother did not acknowledge me once my sister was born, and I was the youngest of three. My life has not improved because my mother has turned my sister and brother against me. Everytime I would find something I like to do, she would play it down, or she would compare me to my brothers and sister. I started latching on to people who were really not my friends. I had met a girl that I worked with in accounting at one time and we were supposed to be best friends. When I took a job that relocated me to anothe city, I became deathly itll and her payback to me was to call up my mother and my current boyfriend to trash me and to spill all of my family secrets. My ex boyfriend broke up with me the day I went into surgery becuause of her and my family has never forgiven me for that. I am now alienated from my family because this was one more thing that I had done that was wrong in her eyes. My mother's family left her when she was 12 years old and she never got over it. I have been the brunt of her anger and anguish and my father was always emotlonally abusive.

I wanted children and I wanted to get married. Mymother told me that I would make a horrible mother and that if I got married, it would not last one year because of my attitude. I am now unemployed and have been for the last year, and not really feeling good about myself. I live in a women's residence and have for the past five years with a lot of uneducated, and manipulating women. I am trying to get back on track for myself, but it has been difficult. I no longer have a savings and I really want to change my life to become a better me. I want to be independant, and live a full life, but I am afraid to trust. I have not kept long lasting friendships, and it is hard for me to get close to people. I cannot remember the last time I have had someone just hug me or listen to me. I realize that having an abusive family has put a different perspective on things for me and I really want to change that. I do not know how to make and keep friends. i do not know how to have a loving relationship with the opposite sex in friendship or in love. I realize deep within myself that I am emotionally starved. I am hoping to change my life for a better me, and I know that it needs to start with me.

I finally wrote a book and I have acquired a publisher that is working with me. The only block that I have is I do not have the money at this time to publish it and I am trying to find a way around that as well. My mother told me I was wasting my time and to get a real career. I feel that I have something to share with the world, as my book is science fiction. It may turn out better than my mother realizes, and I am saddened that everytime I say something positive, she counters it with a negative. I know that none of us can stand up to pressure alone. We are human and we all make mistakes, and I have made many in my life. I really want to spend the next half of my life as a success and not a failure. If for nothing else, just to prove to myself that I can and was able to succeed at something. Yes, I do get lonely, and I long to bond with people, I need to find a way to bond and remake myself as well. I know that I am going to be fine, I just don't know when, as my unemployment has run out along with the food stamps, so if this is rock bottom, then the only way is up from here. I try to look at the positive side of things, and even though I do get angry, I know that the opposite of that is being happy. One day soon, I will have it all, after all the moutains that I crossed, the view will sure be pretty from the top.
mzpen mzpen
51-55
1 Response May 14, 2012

I hear you about your abuse. I'm terribly sorry you had to go through that.
You're not alone. I was abused growing up and still do today. I don't have many people to trust. I have a few friends and living in fear of being rejected for who I am.
My family abandoned me as an adult, so I cut them off from my life so I wouldn't have to deal with their poor parenting and rejecting me because of who i am. So I learn to make the best of life in a way I know how and with God's help along the way.

Hang in there.
noah