Am I The Abused, Or Am I The Abuser?

I am not sure if I am being emotionally abused, or if I am the abuser any longer... I have a 12 year relationship with a man I never strongly felt I loved. It started off as a sex thing, which then grew into a relationship, upon his demand, and since then we have been together. It is a relationship which has demanded major changes from me, up to the point when I can't recognize myself anymore: I used to be outgoing, life and people loving person, talkative, creative. Now I am a people hater, I hate when people are successful, or happy, or enjoying life. I cannot think, I feel stupid and mean. I don't feel like I am enjoying life any more.

I am completely focused on him, and his life and what he says. He has become the center of my life, without me wanting that. I started off as a relationship in which I had experience, and he was still innocent in many respects. I had just come back from studying abroad for a couple of years, and was open-minded towards any experience. He had been in the capital for 3 years, coming from a minor village. Now, I feel like I have gone down to his and below his level. All this because he was frustrated and didn't hide it, from the fact that he was not the dominant male in our relationship (You know everything, you always are the smartest etc.). I must mention here that I was known as a very flexible person, very understanding, and full of compassion for other people. No domineering, at least this was the feeling of my friends and parents. This attitude of his is somewhat replicated in his behavior with his mother. She really is a very "always-right" person. His father is pretty close minded, contrary to my parents who have been around and tend to be open to new people. 

Let this all aside, currently I am afraid to talk to people, to state my opinion, and when I talk to him, I am poisonous! I hate myself. I cannot express a single thought without being spiteful, or cynical, or straight on mean. I cannot stand myself. His sister qualified me as identical to him recently - "it doesn't matter who started it, as she put it, now you are identical!" he also told me that maybe I was like this all along, but had just been hiding. I also had these thought even before they mentioned them.  What is my real nature? Who am I really - the flexible person from 12 years ago or this human-hating creature? These thoughts don't really help in my otherwise completely shaking identity... As if I was like this really all along, but he drew this from me. Wasn't it that when you love somebody they should make you a better person? I don't want to be like this. I hurt myself with this behavior, and I think very bad about myself. But, I try not to do it and I cant - only the next moment he will do something, like be a complete *******, or turn his cold shoulder, and completely presses my button. Or, he will do something which he has told me not to do a minute before. So now, in addition to being constantly on the wake for his actions, and doing what he thinks is right or wrong, I am also as belligerent as hell. And am hating every single minute of it... Am I the abuser or is he the abuser? Am I going insane???

I must say that deep down I completely doubt my choice - I am not sure I love him, I am not myself with him. I don't even know what I am anymore... One thing is for sure, I can win a bitterness championship any time... I am afraid to leave him, and yet my life is miserable - I cannot laugh if not with him, or without his permission, I feel stupid and spiteful, and no love comes from me both for myself or for him.... I don't know how to act any more if I don't follow his rules. And when I do, in certain lucid moments I have, I realize how much I hate my new me... It's a vicious circle...  
schoschan schoschan
1 Response Jun 3, 2012

This situation sounds tragic - have you heard the saying " You either live up to your friends or down with them?" I think you two need to separate - this has gone on far too long & it just keeps getting worse. If you bit yourself you would be poisoned this is not a good sign at all. One thing you can depend on is that the past will always repeat itself.