Emotionally Mind-****** Many Times

When I was around seven or eight, my mum started to complain to me about her crappy marriage. (She spoke with my sister too, who is two years older than me). I realised the other day that I don't have too many memories of a time before her complaining. All I remember is suddenly thinking every man on the planet was scum, and wouldn't-- as she put it-- "**** on you if you were on fire."

My sister says I had a good relationship with my dad prior to this, but I really don't remember. Sure, I have a few memories of getting along with him when I was very young, but each is vague and hardly feels real (some of the memories I'm convinced are dreams).

My dad has a strange personality though, as I would discover sooner or later. He's childish, though he acts superior to everyone, he's sly and manipulative, but blows fairy dust over everyone's eyes... well, everyone apart from those in our family who can see what he really is.

My mum would complain to me and my sister in great detail about the things he had done over the years, and how **** men were. But she'd complain about everything after awhile, not just her marriage. She'd go on a rant about his family, and how selfish they all are, and in the end I'd feel unhappy, and unsatisfied with everything in my life (because she'd unwittingly lead me to believe everything in life was ****).

I can't explain how bad it was for her to talk to me like I was an adult when I was really just a little kid. It mightn't sound like much, but I can remember times like one day when she randomly said, "all men want is sex" and it just disgusts me so much that she could ever think saying something like that to a little girl is okay. Then there's the fact that she'd say things like, "I shouldn't be talking to you about this, but I have no one else." It would of course make me feel guilty, and selfish if I had objected to listening to her, and we'd go back to the way we were, me sitting there for hours as I listened to all the things he had done (and believe me, I started to hear stories get repeated agaaain and again and again).

My dad has never been a very nice person, but I realise now that she made him out to be some sort of devil, when in truth he's just all the aforementioned things (childish, selfish, ect). I can't help but think it's her own fault sometimes, after hearing she accepted his marriage proposal after only knowing him for six months. That's her problem, she's too much of a romantic. And as she aalways says now, she's obsessed with 'the family unit.' I don't understand how you can call it that when in the end, we weren't even a family!

I had a particularly difficult year when I was fourteen. One of my dogs died, my gran died (ha, which actually meant less to me that my dog dying), people picked on me at school, my dad lost his job...

Things got worse from there. My dad didn't get another job. My mum had to start working again (after being a housewife for yeears) and resented my dad right away for not having to do anything (he used the excuse that he had "bad asthma" and depression).

I suffered at school because they made it so stressful with the weird homework system (where they'd basically give you detention for no reason ALL the time), more people being ******** to me, and of course all the home stuff I had to deal with.

One day, I wanted to skip drama, my next class which was full of absolute *******, but none of my friends wanted to wag with me. So a panic attack later, I was running out of schoolgrounds. I kept running until the school wasn't even in sight anymore. I basically just flipped out from all the stress getting to me at once, and kept walking until I was about 3 towns over. It got dark, and eventually I caved and rang home. Mum told me they'd had the police out looking for me. I said I was sorry, and she cried and after asking where I was, told me they'd come pick me up.

I waited in the rain for them to come. I waited for them to pull up and open a door for me. But it was nothing like that. They arrived, and mum leapt out of the car and hugged me and went on about me being so precious to her and all this. We got in the back of the car (my dad's car) together and drove off. Dad didn't say anything the entire ride. I got the sense he was pissed off at me.

At home, I had a long talk with my mum about how depressed I had gotten. And after that a life of insecurity started where I, for awhile there, never wanted to go out, and had to start doing my schooling via the internet. I lost friends through lack of contact, and became completely alone. And then of course, my family life didn't become perfect...

I wanted to quit my schooling because I hated it. So I went into the centre with my parents (after being told I had to go so) and we went into a room with my mentor and counsellor, and they started questioning me on what I would do if I left. They kept telling me I'd never have a chance if I didn't finish school, basically. They were very cruel to me. I'd cried more than I ever had before in those couple of years living in isolation, but I didn't want to cry in front of these people. So I tried to hold it back, which only made me start gasping for air. Pretty soon I was hyperventilating.

Mum started rubbing my back and trying to calm me down. My mentor and the counsellor said it was all right I had gotten upset, as if we had made some 'progress.' Mum angrily told them it wasn't all right at all. And my dad? He sat there in silence, not even looking at me. He didn't say or do anything. Well he did something, actually; he pretended he wasn't there.

Dad, mum and I left the building, for the last time. Mum and I were completely silent, pissed off/upset about how it had gone. To my horror, dad chit-chatted with us about random things in a cheerful voice. I wanted to kill him. How could he disconnect himself from me so much? Didn't he care?

The moment we were home, I went to my room and started crying. Mum came in and admitted she'd been looking into houses, as she was finally fed up with dad's crap and wanted to leave. I think this was the final straw. She saw he was having an effect on me too, and so that was it.

Amazingly, we got the place right away. I had four dogs and a cat, and considering we were going to be renting this house, we figured we couldn't take them all (technically, we shouldn't have had any of them). We left the oldest dog and the cat behind (at first we'd left another dog, but she was too clingy to us for it to work). Then eventually we brought the cat around. We left the other dog because he pees inside the most, and barks a lot. I think dad clung to him for company soon enough anyway because he had no one else.

Another thing about my dad is, he has an addiction to ebay, and I mean addiction. He was spending money he simply didn't have, which infuriated mum.

So anyway, I had a year of getting my life back together as we rented a house. But by the end of it, mum was telling me she couldn't afford it anymore and started talking about going back to live at "the other house."

I couldn't believe it. We'd finally broken free of him and here she was, planning on going back. She didn't even ask for my input.

I had enjoyed the fact that the rented house was in the middle of town too, because I didn't have a license and that way, could walk wherever I wanted, at any time. Dad's house, as I'd come to think of it as, was in the country. It depressed me because it was basically the middle of nowhere.

To my horror, we moved back. Dad acted overly nice for about the first week, if that. Then he went back to not caring we were even there, and spending loads of money on ebay. He still wouldn't work, as he said he was too unhealthy to do so, even though around the property, he'd do all sorts of things like build sheds and do up old signs. He was on a disability pension though, so he got away with it.

Mum was kidding herself in thinking he'd change, and soon she was doing nothing but complaining to me about him-- even though I'd begged her not to go back! Then when other people started renting the house we'd rented, she got even more pissed off-- as if she 'owned' the house somehow, when she'd been the one to leave it.

Eventually things got really bad. I didn't talk to my dad much, but I'd started to do that less and less long ago (and sometimes he just ignored me for days on end anyway). Mum eventually decided we'd have to leave again, but for awhile there I didn't believe her. I figured she'd just lie to herself about finding another place and end up staying there with my dad. But eventually we did get another place to rent. We filed all our papers, ect so quickly that we got it right away. It wasn't as nice as the first place we'd rented, but it was all right.

After mum told dad, he didn't handle it well. Last time he'd hardly cared, it seemed. This time, he was pissed off. I was going to a course at the time and he decided to stop driving me because he was that bitter we were leaving. He snapped at mum, saying she should take all the dogs because he didn't want them. Mum said she couldn't because we were only going to be in a little house.

I'm still at that house now (the rented one), but it's not perfect. Mum complains to me and my sister all the time about the littlest things. Then, those things morph into my dad and she starts bitching about all those years wasted, again and again.

I think it's really had an effect on me. For starters, I was depressed for years, and had some anxiety issues for awhile there. Now I think I'm just avoidant, but at least I'm relatively okay most of the time. I wouldn't say I'm happy, but I'm okay...

Something I do worry about is her deciding she can't cope fiancially again and going back to my dad. I think I would honestly go crazy if she ever decided to go back (which she'd have to be pretty stupid to do). Thesedays he'd living like a total hermit too. We have our cat and the oldest dog living there, and he won't even go down the street to get them food-- mum has to bring it to him every weekend. He's meant to be working on finishing the house (we were renovating for years) but a lot of the time he just watches TV or, not doubt, goes on the computer/ebay. We never talk anymore. I've just started to learn how to drive and when I came back from my first lesson, the first thing he asked was, "did you crash into a tree?" in a sarcastic voice.

Another emotionally abusive person I have known for years is my 'best friend.' She always wants the attention to be on her, and sometimes she just messes with my head. Sometimes I wonder why we're even friends anymore when she's such a *****.

Thesedays I try to avoid coming into contact with these types of people. I've learnt that in the long run, they're just not worth it-- and they will **** you up.

FateCantDecide FateCantDecide
22-25, F
Feb 25, 2009