Winter Blues...........help

WHILE AM GRATEFUL FOR A place to stay the trade off shouldn't be me being abused because it helps them feel better and deal with their stress. The trade off shouldn't be me submitting to domination humiliation and abuse..

I just don't know how much longer I can sacrifice mental/emotional/physical health for a bed and shower. I am only human and suffer from mild PTSD not on meds and the aggressor/abuser fluctuates between moods faster than I can keep up.
There is always a underlying aggression obvious even when suppressed by them. Noticeable mental illness you can tell something is "off" but they are still managing to function and put on fronts in front of people.

When they get stressed about things non-related to me they nit pick on every single thing they can harass me about ( curse words in my face slamming things included ) follow me around house THEN LESS than hour later it is like nothing happened.

They could be dead wrong about the issue, or something insignifgant but a over the top crazy antics reaction....

A usual episode: Me enduring 15-20 minutes of abrasive speech for nothing( something non-related to me, a lost shoe found, a cup on a table- no apology. If I try to bring up fact that I didn't deserve it they will fly off handle again. This happens repeatedly. REPEATEDLY daily.

For example something minuet: There loved one leaves dishes around house I am automatically attacked verbally. Right on spot no questions asked. This ranges from dishes to you name it. Why is yelling nesscaray and gross over reaction to "everything" and why am I automatically attacked? Why cause you know I am quite and need a place to stay.... It is abusive- constant aggression is.

I clean up after them. I take the trash out clean the bathroom dishes, I was the abusers clothes and sometimes iron them. I give them my food stamps they eat my food and they complain if I ask for piece of bread is am short some. But I freely give half of everything I have. The loved one who stays here get food stamps saves food for him and his girlfriend who live in basement and don't pay rent then eats my food too.

. This is f**up really. I am not super women and my nerves are fragile.

I get accosted and verbally abused for things there loved one does who lives there because its easier for them to scapegoat on me than confront them.

When the abuser has had a esp bad day or experience with someone else they amp it up and gone off on me without warning for chance slight of moment nonsensical things. I don't even know what is going on half the time. It is like walking on eggshells but can't even defend yourself because it isn't about legit stuff its about them getting there stress out on you being there punching bag. The abuser mirroring all there personality flaws, let downs and stress on you.So totally unjustifiable but if I have no where else to live and they use this against me.

Should I leave and start off homeless of which am practically or stay and try not to fully break down to the point am unable to function. I take and take and have to be passive for most part but am tired of it. I have PTSD and mentally am fragile and something is going to snap. Only so many times you can let someone verbally demean, and abuse you try to intimidate you and stay quite before the beated dog bites back or flees.

It is time to say enough. But of course the power tripper takes my trying to protect myself as a challenge to break me and reinforce submissiveness.
STAY OR GO...WHAT do you think...

I am about to take my driving permit test ( yay me ) and am applying for grants for a training program. Fasa will take too long I need job training now so am apply for OVR. So am trying people. Been homeless long time hard to find job. No shelters been in housing for few months and loosing my mind.
Was in hospital for a month- two months back for attempting and almost completing suicide.

There is a certain mental deterioration that takes place submitting to this type of thing and mental rot. I can not think straight am stressed and physically ill due to the the overwhelming environment and unpredictability of the situation. I need help and I may find at the end of a knife and my artery again. I can't do this anymore someone please help.... give god advice A hotline isn't going to work no shelters hence should I leave state and start off on street when am so close to driving permit and grant money for school...?
An Ep User An EP User
Jan 10, 2013