My Innocence Was Taken As A Child...I have always felt that I was emotionally raped at the innocent age of 8. That's when the horrible, ugly, evil, predator found me and took my innocence. I wasn't raped of body but of mind, spirit and soul!!! That was my second traumatic thing that happened at 8 years of age. I was at the beginning stages of PTSD but of course I wouldn't know anything about this until I was in my middle 40's.
Weird thing for me, I don't rememebr being afraid of the molester but of the little shotgun house next door to my house. I do remember seeing the molester once a few years after it happened. Up to that day, I didn't know who he was. I remembered his face always, I just didn't know HIM. We ran into each other on a sidewalk in town. I knew instanntly who he was. We both looked at each other as we passed each other but we just kept walking. I never passed that house again after I was molested. I would go around the block where ever I had to go. At night is when my nightmares would begin. It would take me hours to fall asleep. My bed and window were next to that property. I was terrified of that window at night because the house was next door. I never told anyone what happened. I held that horrible secret for the next 10 years. Finally at 18, I told my mother. She asked me why I hadn't said anything back then. I told her, I tried mom, but you didn't get what I was trying to say. That filthy man gave me one dollar, then he felt he had the right to start fondling me and kissing me. I still remember my thoughts of that moment. I knew something wasn't right. I felt dirty even as a child, at that young age. I knew what that man was doing to me was terribly WRONG!!!
Then I feel like something miraculous happened. Years later, I truly feel as if GOD was with me that day. My baby brother saved me. He was only about one and a half years old but he saved me... Little brother was walking up to that horrible house. I did not want this predator to hurt my baby brother, to do ugly things to him!!! Now I was only 8, I knew nothing about sex. All I knew or thought was people got married and had babies. I remember this ingenious thought came to my young innocent mind. I would pretend that I wanted this man, I would pretend that I had to go and take my little brother home. I actually faked this man out and he let me go to take my brother home!!! The LOVE that I had for my brother is what saved ME from more grotesque things happening to me. The monster let my body go and out I ran to my baby brother. I got him by his little hand and I quickly took him home. I remember the fear in my mind because in my mind, I could see the monster coming from behind and grabbing me again!!! He didn't!!! I took my baby brother inside our house. I told my mom, he was next door. I told my mom that a stranger gave me a dollar but I didn't want his money. I asked mom, "Can you please give me one of your dollars and I'll give you this dollar?" I think she asked me why I didn't want that dollar and I said, "I just don't!!!" She did trade. I then took off to the store, which was one block away. I normally would have to pass this house BUT I went all the way around the block. I started doing this for the next 9 or so years. Finally when I was in high school, they tore the ugly old house down. That's when I started to feel safe. All these years, I felt that the monster predator was still hiding in that house, waiting to GET ME!!!
It's a horrible thing for a childs innocence to be taken. My mind had already suffered the blow of the trash can incident!!! Then to also have to be sexually molested, it was changing who and what I woud become...PTSD!!! I was already terrified of my drunk uncle because he was the one who would put me in the trash can. Then to become even more terrified of the little house!!! Even though I did suffer great mental stress from those few minutes with the monster, I still feel like I was a very lucky little girl. I was NOT raped physically!!! I'm sure that would have been 100 times worse!!!
OH, this man ended up in trouble many years later. I was in high school by then. He had to go to court for exposing himself to little girls on their way home from school. He was old by then and he didn't have to go to jail or prison. He stayed free. I wonder how many children he messed up, just like me...
OH, one more VERY IMPORTANT THING!!! ONE OF MY GOALS AS A MOTHER WAS TO MAKE SURE THAT MY CHILDREN DID NOT GET MOLESTED. I TRUSTED NO ONE WITH THEM. NOT EVEN THEIR FATHER!!! I HAD A TALK WITH HIM FROM THE VERY BEGINNING OF OUR MARRIAGE. WHILE HE WAS A HORRIBLE DRUNK, HE NEVER TOUCHED OUR CHILDREN IN THAT WAY. I TOLD HIM IF HE EVER LAYED A HAND ON OUR CHILDREN IN AN INAPPROPRIATE WAY, I WOULD LEAVE HIM INSTANTLY!!! THERE WERE VERY FEW PEOPLE I TRUSTED WITH MY CHILDREN. I DID ACCOMPLISH WHAT I WANTED, MY CHILDREN WERE NEVER MOLESTED. I KNOW BECAUSE I ASKED THEM AND THEY BOTH SAID "NO!!!"
TexasLily 51-55, F 10 Responses 0 Sep 25, 2010