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My Innocence Was Taken As A Child...

  I have always felt that I was emotionally raped at the innocent age of 8.  That's when the horrible, ugly, evil, predator found me and took my innocence.  I wasn't raped of body but of mind, spirit and soul!!!  That was my second traumatic thing that happened at 8 years of age.  I was at the beginning stages of PTSD but of course I wouldn't know anything about this until I was in my middle 40's.


Weird thing for me, I don't rememebr being afraid of the molester but of the little shotgun house next door to my house.  I do remember seeing the molester once a few years after it happened.  Up to that day, I didn't know who he was.  I remembered his face always, I just didn't know HIM.  We ran into each other on a sidewalk in town.  I knew instanntly who he was.  We both looked at each other as we passed each other but we just kept walking.  I never passed that house again after I was molested.  I would go around the block where ever I had to go.  At night is when my nightmares would begin.  It would take me hours to fall asleep.  My bed and window were next to that property.  I was terrified of that window at night because the house was next door.  I never told anyone what happened.  I held that horrible secret for the next 10 years.  Finally at 18, I told my mother.  She asked me why I hadn't said anything back then.  I told her, I tried mom, but you didn't get what I was trying to say.  That filthy man gave me one dollar, then he felt he had the right to start fondling me and kissing me.  I still remember my thoughts of that moment.  I knew something wasn't right.  I felt dirty even as a child, at that young age.  I knew what that man was doing to me was terribly WRONG!!!

Then I feel like something miraculous happened.  Years later, I truly feel as if GOD was with me that day.  My baby brother saved me.  He was only about one and a half years old but he saved me...smiley   Little brother was walking up to that horrible house.  I did not want this predator to hurt my baby brother, to do ugly things to him!!!  Now I was only 8, I knew nothing about sex.  All I knew or thought was people got married and had babies.  I remember this ingenious thought came to my young innocent mind.  I would pretend that I wanted this man, I would pretend that I had to go and take my little brother home.  I actually faked this man out and he let me go to take my  brother home!!!  The LOVE that I had for my  brother is what saved ME from more grotesque things happening to me.  The monster let my body go and out I ran to my baby brother.  I got him by his little hand and I quickly took him home.  I remember the fear in my mind because in my mind, I could see the monster coming from behind and grabbing me again!!!  He didn't!!!  I took my baby brother inside our house.  I told my mom, he was next door.  I told my mom that a stranger gave me a dollar but I didn't want his money.  I asked mom, "Can you please give me one of your dollars and I'll give you this dollar?"  I think she asked me why I didn't want that dollar and I said, "I just don't!!!"  She did trade.  I then took off to the store, which was one block away.  I normally would have to pass this house BUT I went all the way around the block.  I started doing this for the next 9 or so years.  Finally when I was in high school, they tore the ugly old house down.  That's when I started to feel safe.  All these years, I felt that the monster predator was still hiding in that house, waiting to GET ME!!!

It's a horrible thing for a childs innocence to be taken.  My mind had already suffered the blow of the trash can incident!!!  Then to also have to be sexually molested, it was changing who and what I woud become...PTSD!!!    I was already terrified of my drunk uncle because he was the one who would put me in the trash can.  Then to become even more terrified of the little house!!!  Even though I did suffer great mental stress from those few minutes with the monster, I still feel like I was a very lucky little girl.  I was NOT raped physically!!!  I'm sure that would have been 100 times worse!!!

OH, this man ended up in trouble many years later.  I was in high school by then.  He had to go to court for exposing himself to little girls on their way home from school.  He was old by then and he didn't have to go to jail or prison.  He stayed free.  I wonder how many children he messed up, just like me...

OH, one more VERY IMPORTANT THING!!!  ONE OF MY GOALS AS A MOTHER WAS TO MAKE SURE THAT MY CHILDREN DID NOT GET MOLESTED.  I TRUSTED NO ONE WITH THEM.  NOT EVEN THEIR FATHER!!!  I HAD A TALK WITH HIM FROM THE VERY BEGINNING OF OUR MARRIAGE.  WHILE HE WAS A HORRIBLE DRUNK, HE NEVER TOUCHED OUR CHILDREN IN THAT WAY.  I TOLD HIM IF HE EVER LAYED A HAND ON OUR CHILDREN IN AN INAPPROPRIATE WAY, I WOULD LEAVE HIM INSTANTLY!!!  THERE WERE VERY FEW PEOPLE I TRUSTED WITH MY CHILDREN.  I DID ACCOMPLISH WHAT I WANTED, MY CHILDREN WERE NEVER MOLESTED.  I KNOW BECAUSE I ASKED THEM AND THEY BOTH SAID "NO!!!"  smiley
TexasLily TexasLily 51-55, F 10 Responses Sep 25, 2010

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Hello Voided, no,I didn't even trust my own brother. I had no reason NOT to trust brother. It was only me and my fears of men. When it came to my children, I didn't really even trust women. I just tried to protect my children from all people. I could trust no one when it came to my babies!!! <br />
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I did feel guilty about not trusting my husband with his own children. After all, he was their father. It also made him feel bad that I didn't trust him, i didn't care, I had to protect my babies as best I could. Unfortunately, we both messed up in other ways but I know we both tried as best we could!!!! I only had that one convo with my husband about our children. I think I made it perfectly clear with that one conversation!!!

it is so true that you become PTSD.. i know this one first hand it consumes your half life and the way you think about you whole life.. i was surprised to hear you say you don't trust your husband.. I feel the same way and it makes me feel like complete crap but i am glade to hear i am not alone.. so thank you

It's a very sad and horrible thing for children to be taken advantage of in any inappropriate way!!! I'm happy that you seeked help BlueBird. I did too. It's one of the many things that had and continue to haunt me to this day!!! I can think about these bad memories and I feel that I'm ok with things. It has affected who and what I have become. At least I am now aware of why I am, who I am. I try to change how I am in any negative ways. It's difficult but I feel that I am making changes in ME for the better...:-)

Thank you sydnet...:-)

I'm always amazed as so many women having been Mplested, (Rape) I think they are the same, when this thing happen to you when you were a child..I was also taken advangatage of when I was a little girl..I kept what they did to me until I was in my late thirities..I did seek help and finally started to feel free..What helped me mostly, i started talking about the(Crime) That helped ..I continie to express myself to people who UNDERSTAND, even now ..We all need what happend to you (was not your fault)

that's so sad. i would of been so scared. you were so brave.

Hello Zeezi, I'm so sorry that you were so hurt by selfish, unloving people. Yes, you're so right, we look to our parents to help us, to guide us, to be our main support and when we don't have that, it will totally **** US UP!!! You don't mention your father. I wonder if you were like me and didn't have one either. I did have a stepdad who was good at the beginning but ended up being a horrible, alcoholic, verbal abuser. So on top of everything else I had to deal with , I had this very scary step dad!!! Ep has helped me tremedously to let go of a lot of my pain, anger. I hope it is helping you too. I hope you are seeing a counselor or have someone to talk to. I wish you the very best and I hope that you can one day, be free.

Feel sad reading your story. Little things that go wrong in a childs life can have devastating effects even through their adulthood. I was physically abused, bullied, always made to feel inferior by teachers in school and superiors. My mom was a very strict disciplinarian and always sided with teachers when they got critical of me. Its one thing when you're subjected to abuse by outsiders but when you cant confide in your mom, you're only pillar of support as a child for whatever reasons than your life becomes a living hell. I grew up living in constant fear and anxiety, i was terrified of adults and i still am in someways. I know suffer from generalised anxiety, deppression and panic attacks. Im sure its all linked to my childhood experiences as i was a normal boy growing up. Im sorry to mourn on ur wall but it just goes to show how easily adults can ruin a childs precious life.

Hello Bama, no, no one has every tried to downplay what happened to me. I myself realize how bad it was BUT how much worse it could have been.. I know that mental, emotional and verbal abuse is just as bad as physical abuse. thank you for your comments...:-) <br />
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OH, I had to come back and write this part. My mother always laughed when I mentioned my uncle. I ended up blowing up at her the last two times that she laughed once again. I never mention any of my pain to her any longer. It's best that we don't talk about such things. She doesn't understand my pain...

It is. But that does not mean what you went through was any less traumatic. I hope you heal. It's something that is hard and takes time... Most of your life. But I hope you do. Don't let anyone downplay what happened to you, just because it wasn't physical rape. Most people who do try to downplay it have no idea what they are talking about.