More Like Nightmares

so for the past couple of years i have been having the same kind of dream.  its not a recurring dream persay, but a recurring theme in my dreams/nightmares.

its alwasys the same situations, with minor differences like location.  its about my man cheating and me leaving. 

  • i always find out about him cheating. sometimes i find a note, sometimes i see him.
  • i always confront him and he always denies it, then admits it.  but he never shows emotion.  he acts like he doesn't care. like whatever.
  • i end up crying, yelling, throwing things.  finally, i pack up a suitcase and get my daughter and her things, and i leave.
  • he never comes after me.

i always wake up so ANGRY at him.  i mean, thats stupid, it was only a dream, and i don't have any reason to suspect of cheating.

but i think i know what my dreams have been telling me.  that one day I will leave him, and he won't come after me because there won't be anything he can do to get me back.

it became apparent to me last night when we again were talking about marriage, and how he doesn't want to get married because he thinks his family is cursed.  he said that he never wants to get divorced, not in 5 years or 20 years.  he was upset about how his dad is getting a divorce and he shouldn't have to go through that at his age.  he went from having a house and family to living in an apartment, and filing bankruptcy.

it sucks, it really does.  but i have told him that he can't live his life because of what others have done or has happened to them.  but the fact that he said that what he did about marriage and how he never wants to divorce, its crazy talk, it means that he will probably never get married because you never know whats going to happen. 

it also told me that he loves me, only not enough to marry me or to see him spending the rest of his life with me.  what kind of woman who has spent almost 5 years of her life with you wants to hear that?  he didn't have to use the words in that sentence, but its what he meant. 

i really believe its going to be one of the hardest things i have ever had to do in my life.  i mean, my God, i left my family and moved 3 states away to be with him, and i do so much and have sacrificed having a real life to be with him, and he can't even offer me the thought of security or marriage.  i mean, we are not even engaged! 

i have to leave him.  because i love him. but more importantly, i want someone to love me enough to want to marry me.  even if they don't, and i never get married, i want to at least be with someone who will be open to it, not just shut it out of the question.  i want to be loved enough to have someone want to spend the rest of their life. even if it doesn't happen. we never know what the future holds, but it doesn't stop me from wanting to make something happen. i'm not going to not do something because there is a chance of failure.

if that was the case, we wouldn't have so many heroes from history and today doing anything or inventing anything.  you can't let the risk of failure compromise your feelings or actions.  you can't just stop because you don't know if it will work out or not. 

danetty757 danetty757
22-25, F
Feb 25, 2009