Because I Have Hope I Know I'm Not A Lost Cause.

This is a true story of how the human spirit can overcome  the crippling effects of child-abuse and a love-less life just by keeping hope that tomorrow will bring a better day!! I always dreamed of having my own home.A home that didn't come with conditions!A home that is loving and basked in warmth!! An abode,in which,your spirt florishes in the uplifting currents of unconditional love and tenderness.
I heard people say to me"Your no good""You will never amount to anything" or "I wish you were dead" and as a child i belived them!!I belived them so much that i found lonlely dark places to hide.Dark places where i could shed a tear of despair that splaterers the dust of my existence.Dark places where hopes and dreams never florished.Where abject loneliness grinds a heart into a raggered shipwreak of  fear and self-loathing.Where eternal hope is the devil's playground!
My life began on a blustery chilly day at the dawn of the modern era of 1949.A day where man had hopes of a bright future without the turmoil of the past..A future juxtaposed with the dread of atom bombs dropping and dreams  of easy living brought on by a post-war economic boom.Yes i'm a baby-boomer who should have harvested the fruits of prosperity yet was given the rotten apple of child-abuse.The sickening stench of hate.And,The rigormortice that sets into a heart filled with dread of the day after tomorrowThe drumbeat of crying out for love but recieving icy,shivering indifference.
As a 4 or 5yr old i recall asking my mother"Mommy do you love me"as she sat gazing into her vanity mirror and applying her make-up to cover the blemishes of a hard life brought on by prostitution."of cource i do"she said unconvincingly"Mommy"i asked"how much do you love me"her reply"now bobby cant you see im busy!"with a hint of annoyence in her tone.Why was i asking a question that no mother ever wants to hear her child ask?Because,Johnny  the day before had reached under the doormat and let himself in while i was playing with my dog.Johnny made me feel so very special.He heaped attention onto a love-starved urchin.He made me feel so very,very important and cared for..Then the searing pain of reality ripped through my little defenceless broken body and soul.I WAS BETRAYED!!!He had spewed his demon seed to fufill his sick sexual gratification,leaving me to scream the question"MOMMY DO YOU LOVE ME!"
Today i keep on searching,searching on the cool-side,the cool-side looking for the surprise that awaits me,Its comming..If you see me today and look into my eye's you will see a little boy.A little boy who trumps all that pain,heartbreak,shame and unremitting terror with hope for a bright day of love,unconditional love that may be just arround the corner.
After 9 to 10 long years of homelessness i sit in MY home filled with a love of music eminating from MY Bose docked iphone.I sit in front of MY modest laptop while comcast broadcasts it's programming on MY 55 inch HD mitsubishi t.v.I can,if i wish,stand out on MY small balconey over-looking San Francisco.At night i chain MY door and peacefully nestle into MY warm conforting platform bed.On cool nights i reach for MY conforter with downey feathers and drift off to a welcoming nights rest.
My home may be modest to others,its a small studio,however its grander to me than the palace of verci,more splendid than the White House Preident Obama lives in a cardboard box compared to my home.Why?you may ask.ITS MINE,ALL MINE.and concidering where i come from its an achievement that is so special to me that i bless my lucky stars every single dayYes,every month i pay rent! I rush,no,I RUN to the mailbox to send my rent check to the landlord!! For almost 4 yrs i've been paying rent on MY wonderfull home furnished with crate an barrle  furniture that i painstakingly,with loving care,assembled.
Remember if you have hope you are never a lost cause!If you respect others less fourtunate than you and never vist onto others the pain and misery that befelled you,life will be rewarding.My simple message to others who feel hopeless and are homeless is keep picking yourself up from lifes grimy streets stick your chin out be assertive and NEVER EVER give up on yourself.As a great man once said "We have nothing to fear but fear itself"
If you would like to have words of encouragement from me or just to chat my email address is rmathis_00@yahoo.com

robertm007 robertm007
56-60, M
Aug 11, 2010