Mind Games #5

What is truth?

What is true to one person may not be true to another.

What is truth?

Our minds are unique

We process thoughts according to our own knowledge.

Are there really three (3) sides to every story?

Or are there many more depending on the story being told?

As I said before, I have always been labeled as “too nice”. I try to believe the best in everyone, I try to trust everyone, I try to see the good side of every situation, I don’t ever hold a grudge or judge anyone. This is the way my mind works. This is who I am.

If I am told something from someone I love, I believe them. When my husband told me, on our marriage night, that I did not ever have to flinch again because he would always protect me and he would not ever hurt me….I believed him. When he told me our fairytale marriage was real….I believed him. When he told me I could believe in him….I believed him. When he told me he loved me “Like the White Light”….I believed him. I stored all his loving words in my mind. Somehow they helped to balance out all the negative words that had been said to me in my past.

When he told me, shortly after we were married, that he would not ever cheat on me unless it was with someone much better than me….I believed him. When he told me stories of his past and the “bad” things he did….I believed him. When he told me “no black man would ever want me, except to use me until there was nothing left to use”….I believed him. When he called me names and pointed out all the things I did wrong…I believed him. When he told me all he had to do was call “his boys” and they would be here…. I believed him. When he told me I better be prepared because he always took care of business when least expected…. I believed him. When he told me he wouldn’t just get me…he would get my whole family because he didn’t leave witness’…. I believed him. When he told me he would burn my house down…I believed him. As he started to tell me more and more “negative” things, his previous statements started to appear to be lies. The words he said now reinforced all the negative things that I had heard all my life.

I believed him, because I had no reason not to.

Our marriage was based on the Bible and our mutual beliefs. He reminded me what the Bible said about being in a marriage. I was to submit to my husband. I was to forgive 7 x’s7 times. The husband was the head of the wife. We were to become one flesh. He reminded me of our vows. Till death do us part, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer. He knew how my mind would process these reminders.

My mind processed what I knew from my past and what was now my present. As I mentioned in a previous post, I believe the effects of childhood bullying can lead to how a person feels about themselves and can lead to adult abuse both for the abuser and the abused.

His words were like daggers to my mind. His actions were even worse. I remember one time when he got mad at me (for what I don’t remember)…any way, I was sitting on our bed and he started yelling at me and calling me names then said he would burn our room down with me in it. As I sat on the bed he put his cigarette lighter to the mattress and it caught on fire. I was so scared but I couldn’t let it show. I sat there and prayed that God would take me quickly. By his reactions, I think he surprised himself because he tried to put the fire out as it spread faster and faster. He did get it out but the memory would stay burning in my mind for years. It reminded me that I should not ever take for granted anything he said or any of the threats he made.

He kept me humiliated and feeling like I was a disgrace by his actions and words. It became a regular ritual for me to come home from work and him make me take my undergarments off so he could inspect them to be sure I hadn’t cheated on him. He would also “inspect” my private parts for the same reason. I felt so humiliated because he would then tell me I stink or that my body somehow resembled that of a “w (word)”. On one hand my mind knew that what he said was not true…the things he did were not right, on the other hand my mind was so numb I couldn’t think straight because I was too busy trying to think of how to keep things calm.

My mind told me to run…and so I tried, only to be brought back. My mind told me to be scared and yet I had to try to hide my fright. My mind told me that I had no one to turn to and I was stuck. My mind told me I was some sort of bad person, although I couldn’t figure out how or what to do, to be the person he wanted. My mind told me that my life didn’t matter; the only important thing was to protect my children. My mind told me if I wanted to be loved by the person I loved, I had to be the person he wanted me to be and since I couldn’t be that person, no matter how hard I tried, it would be best if I was no longer.

Your Mind can play tricks on you

These tricks can either protect you or harm you

Believe in yourself

Trust in yourself

Love yourself

It is easier said than done
DJsUniqueSoundCharities DJsUniqueSoundCharities
56-60
Jan 14, 2013