Sometimes I Just Wish

sometimes I wish I could REALLY turn back the hands of time, then i know I would be so much better off. when I look back on my life I see pain, hurt and suffered abuse. sometimes I wish I was a new born again where I could get a BRAND new start at life. I wish I had a better family sometimes. I use to think I had the answers to everything, but now I know life doesn't always go my way. I wish I had my mother to guide me on the right path, wish my dad didn't do what he did to me. I miss my big sister being there pushing me because honestly I dont think I can go through this world on my own. I have lost all interests in school because everyone's lives there are soo much better than mines.

I am tired of tired of being used and feeling unappreciated. sometimes I wonder if i died who'd care? then I realize honestly no one would because I am really an outcast and thinking about this always HURT SO DEEP! I cut myself most times to see if I still feel pain as normal humans do because i've only been through soo much at 16! sometimes I wonder if I scream, shout, cry anyone would care.

Sometimes I wish I could just be a little kid again. So when life gets tough you can just play pretend. I wanna go back to when Santa did exist. When your daddy was the only boy you ever kissed. When Disney World was the best place to be. When the only movies you could see were rated G. When your biggest problem was learning to write your name and people didn't change...and your friends were the same. And every time you were sad or you had a bad day. You could just run to mommy and it would all be okay. I wanna go back to no hurt...and no pain...just laughter. When everyone always lives happily ever after.

When I cry at night, the only thing I can think to myself is...how can I seem so---perfectly fine in the morning. Why do I smile like nothing is wrong? And how does not one single person notice that I'm not okay?

I don't know what I want in life. I don't know what I want right now. All I know is that I'm hurting so much inside that it's eating me, and one day, there won't be any more of me left. Everything that ever cause a tear to trickle down my cheeks, I run away and hide from it. But now,everything is unwinding and finding its way back towards me. And I don't know what to do. I just know that the pain I felt so long ago, it's hurting ten times more.

Difficult times have helped me to understand better than before, how infinitely rich and beautiful life is in every way, and that so many things that one goes worrying about are of no importance whatsoever...God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.I believe that the details of our lives will be forgotten by most, but the pain, the spirit, the hurt will linger with those who shared it, and be part of them forever.Learn to enjoy every minute of your life. Be happy now. Don't wait for something outside of yourself to make you happy in the future. Think how really precious is the time you have to spend, whether it's at work or with your family. Every minute should be enjoyed and savored.
deleted deleted
26-30
2 Responses Dec 9, 2012

I hear u loud and clear. I feel I just posted that ur ready my heart

I use to feel a lot like this. I want you to know that I would care. I may not know you but I know all to well the pain of loneliness. However pain is a part of growing up. It makes us who were are. Everyone handles life differently and copes differently. I for one was stuck living in my own past until recently. It almost caused me to lose my husband. I am still working on how to live life. My marriage is getting better and better each day. It's not easy and believe me I have scars on my body to show that I wanted to feel. To get all that bad blood out. The truth is there is no bad blood only bad memories.

Thanks. It has been one crazy experience that is for sure. I hope this has helped you even a little.