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My Screwed Up Family

Is your family so stuck in the past that their ideals are totally messed up? My parents are in their late 60s and had a very strict catholic upbringing. So my entire family believe that appearances are everything. They would give up their own daughters happiness if it meant it didnt bring shame to the family. Let me start from the beginning.......

My name is Ami and i was sexually abused by my brother in law for about 8 years. Of course i didnt know what was happening cos id never had a sex talkfrom my parents or teachers. i worked up the courage to tell my sister when i was 15. She immediately took me home. I was relieved because i thought it was over.....boy was i wrong.

My dad told me that these things happen all the time. That i made my sister very upset. She had already had one divorce. My dad stressed how important it was for this marriage to work. This news would devistate my sister. 'Think of her kids' he told me'they need a father'. So i agreed to tell my sister and mother id had a nightmare. It wasnt real. They so easily believed me. I returned back to my sisters house where my brother in law tried to continue the abuse.

Im now 23. 6 months ago i brought up this issue again. I told my sister and parents seperately, so desperately searching for the care and sympathy i deserved. Instead my parents asked why i was bringing this up again. They thought it had already been dealt with.

My sisters reaction was much worse. She was devastated, said she was sorry, she would leave him, was scared for her kids, told me she would support me if i decided to press charges. Then, after a couple of months, her attitudechanged. She now says she cant leave him. She loves him. She has said she knows staying with him means she'll lose me but she's willing to do that. My parents and sister have also begged me not to go to the police. 'Think of what the community will say'dad said.

Now dads dying and we have to put on happy faces so our family wont know whats really going on. My parents and sister have hurt me so much and while im suffering my brother in law is living it up. No consequences. Free to see his children when he likes.

Life is unfair.

Im really hoping someone can understand what im going through. Please feel free to.comment.

Ami :-)
Violet86 Violet86 22-25, F 7 Responses Jun 10, 2011

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I am speechless and yet I want to scream! Your family is more than screwed up, they were willing to sacrifice you to keep your sister in a marriage? Did your father ever consider the fact that this man could also be sexually abusing the children in his own family? This entire thing about keeping up appearances just ticks me off. You have been living in your own silent hell while this perv has been allowed to walk the streets and do only God knows what. Let me just assure you that "It does not happen to everyone or all the time." Your parents have allowed you to be sexually abused and done nothing to stop this CRIME. If you have no real relationship with your family I would press charges, there may be a statute of limitations it's been 8 years so you need to find that out. But know this will open a bag of worms, and your sisters children may be removed from her home or they may make him leave. But if he is abusing those children, you may be doing them a very bid favor!

i understand your hurt and your pain, i too went through a situation like this, and still is. it hurts but i havent lost hope in myself i grow stronger every day, you do too. i dont have the right words to offer sympathy for you. if you ever need a friend or some one to listen. i'm here.

Dear Ami,<br />
I too was abused by my brother-in-law, and my family does not support me. My father also made hurtful statements such as "he is a man, you are a woman...these things happen" , but at 11 years old I was not a woman. For me, my family was toxic. I chose to remove myself from their lives. You may need to consider this for your own health and wellbeing. I know it is hard, but is it harder than what you are dealing with now? Every time you see your brother-in-law (or he sees you), I know that you feel violated over and over again. Every time your family shuts you down, I know that it destroys you. I realized quickly that my sister's relationship with an abuser was valued more than a relationship with me. I have so much more to say, but...

Dear sweet girl, it is impossible undo your nightmare - but it is possible to Stop dealing with those who make your nightmare much worse. Your relatives are Cooked in their minds. Fighting with these hypocrites is a terrible waste of your time. I've had what you have had, and not once....Some pretty but Quiet girls get in trouble often, especially when they do not understand why they attract men in such ways so often. Some men loose any kind of control when they are near you.... But it is to some point understandable... men are made this way.... Even if they know it is horrible, some of them cannot stop/control themselves. I kept my mouth shut just because it was so embarrassing. It was my traumatic experience for life. Another reason why I wanted to stay quiet about that experience because many of these molesters said that they would merry me if I took them to court. This made me really quiet because I was so disgusted even by the thought of such a "marriage" !! It was as scary as death.<br />
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I just ran away. I want you to feel, that you are your own Destiny. It is hard to live your life without any honest support from you family, but I have got over this problem in my life. It's absolutely impossible to be honest with my relatives regarding any matter, and I avoid hypocrites of all kinds. I have now good friends that are much kinder to me than my blood relatives. Please do not waste you precious time on screwed-up-heads. Do Not be so sad because your physical body has been violated. Just remember, people violate us even when they mean "well", including doctors, teachers and even the law. The beauty in your life is with you. Your soul is Untouchable. You are Free. Blessings!

Trying to think of an adequate response<br />
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the only one I have is, whats his address, I want to punch him

Wow, if I had not had a grandmother who stood up and against the idiot who did what he did to me, I just don't know what I would have done. It was taken all the way to court but don't think for one second that that would have been the answer. The jury said he was innocent. I just remember sitting there uncomfortably, as he sat staring at me and all I did was try to hide from his stupid, smirking, lying face (I kept a kind of smile on my 6-8 year old face too, which I am sure was judged by everyone as meaning nothing happened.) My mom was laying in bed, in the bedroom, not 5 feet away....and despite the feeling of wanting to blame her, that makes no more sense than blaming me,,,,bottom line, each person is responsibility for what they do! I got asked, by my mom, to take back what was said or change the truth....maybe understandably, he would hold her head under water at times, it makes me mad when everyone pretends they would have done this or that....maybe so but we all can't be so "perfect" and must leave room for those who panic under pressure or God only knows what is going on....maybe you understand what I am talking about. Anyways, I got asked or the idea was raised about why I didn't tell my mom, who was in the next room? Why this or that? FIRST THINGS FIRST.....Why did he choose to do what he did? Answer that and I will be more than happy to think about answering silly questions.....which wouldn't need answered had he not chose what he had. All I know is it is appalling that no one will stand beside you, in your family. Know this, there is a Jesus Christ, who was there when your brother in law did what he did and it is gonna be the Spirit of God that bears testimony to what was done in darkness....no one else needs to be there, the Truth cannot be hid. Jesus has stood by my side, when I was so alone, He just soothed me and held me as I cried. God bless you and give you peace, in Jesus name, I pray. Amen.

Thank you so much. You brought tears to my eyes as i read ur comment. I am still so desperately seeking support from my family but it seems as though it will never happen.<br />
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I am still haunted by the conversation i had with my father at 15. I could hear my sister crying to our mother in the next room. I wanted my dad to hold me. I was scared and i wanted to cry too. But he told me i had to forget about what happened....for my sisters sake.<br />
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To tell you the truth ive already begun the process of reporting him. Noone in my family knows. Im so scared of what will come of it. After all they've done (or not done) i still love them soooo much. I dont want to lose them.<br />
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How can they keep hurting me like this?