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A Broken Heart Breaking Over And Over Like A Broken Record. I Either Want To Find The Off Switch Or Skip Past This. How??

I'm having trouble decided what is happening to me, and wondering who can relate. I have Asperger's Syndrome. My feelings run very deep. Firstly, I have never felt loved back in my whole life. My mom and dad argued all the way through their marriage, and they are religious, so they didn't believe in divorce but they never fixed their relationship either. I felt like I had to try and help. I was an only child and I was in the middle of this. They took out a lot of their anger, and frustrations on me when they could not resolve things. I could never open up and tell them how I felt. But I was over punished for being one caring and loving daughter! They seemed to always find fault with me. But anyway, because of all their arguing I felt neglected and unloved. from the BEGINNING. I have no source of love. I was told I was loved, but it felt more like my mother was trying to squeeze it from me, rather than pour it all over from me. As a baby, a child, an adolescent, that was my role, to be sucked dry. From that, I really wanted a boyfriend since age 13. I was a very nice person, and I also didn't believe in sex before marriage. I felt rather strong though. And in fact, I never cried in front of people, or told people my feelings. I was always the one to lean on. But when I turned around 19, and met the love of my life in Uni, and he loved me, then rejected me, it was total devastation! I could not cope so I kept it inside me, crying very hard, wishing I could die, and I was depressed for 5 years. I have a few boyfriends then I met another gem through church. This turned out to be a very spiritual feeling of love, and it ran deep a different way, and I honestly felt like there was a bond made in heaven. But he ended up rejecting me, and I saw him picking up other girls, and I was stressed out. Moreover he lectured me about it not being anything, as if I was pursuing him! But I wasn't, I was just putting up with the rejection! and it was sad. Then I got out of there, tired of being lectured and yelled at for having a broken heart...and I thought that was disgusting. I deserved kindness and gentleness, not abuse! But I finally met another guy...and this one was terribly horrible! He was worse than my dad...always yelling at me, and he had Crohn's disease, so I not only felt hung up on something negative, but my motherly instinct came out and I felt a deep deep empathy. This combined has done me in. Then he kept me around, but kept on trying to push my boundaries, and I was too confused to realize I was supposed to put my foot down, or leave! Instead I believed all his BS and he actually pushed me into thinking that I could have a sexual relationship with him, with no strings attached and that he was just "like that" and he wanted me around for a long time, and this was ok, and a proper lifestyle...I later found out...no! He wanted a friendship with benefits until he found someone else. Then on my birthday he told me that he had remet an old friend and she was now his girlfriend. and that was it CHOP! I have dated a few other guys in the mean time since I figured he wasn't really being a proper boyfriend. Oh not to mention, he also was giving me lectures about us NOT being an item...yet EACH of these guys chased me down very HARD in the beginning...and this guy even harrassed me to come visit him while I was studying for my FINAL EXAMS. He was incredibly rude! But when I called him feeling lousy and hurt, his "girlfriend" was agreeing with him that I was rude!!!

So anyway, I deserve much better, and I feel like these ******** are wearing me out. Also I'm not sure if my ASD is causing my some problems. I can't connect very well with people, or interact that well, I need extra understanding. But unfortunately, MEN don't offer that, they DEPEND on us women to know the emotional situations and know what to do!

I feel like I'm filled with despair, and I can't give up, but all of this is bringing me down, and distracting me greatly in my own life and things I'm trying to put together. I feel like people have been dragging me down and I have no source of people to cheer me up, I have 1 friend at the moment, and he is not able to cheer me up. I have a younger guy who is very enthusiastic about me, but all I feel is annoyed and unready.

I need a rest but at the same time, I need an oxymoron! I also need a strong relationship! I'm 42 and I need to be married with 1.5 kids and a house! I feel so weighed down. Yet I can't stop my spirits from trying...and yet I know also that I need a rest.

Everything is attacking me at once at all angles, it seems, and I cannot cope properly. I have seen councillors and psychologists, and one said not to reach out!

I wasn't reaching out to the last guy, it sorta happened by stealth. He ended up bringing me to that, and it all crept up on me. I feel incapable of dealing with another disabled person when I have so much burdening me now.

All I need is love. that's all. I need love and I need it to come easy and for real. I need it to be something that I feel happy about, and the other person is excited about too. I can't deal with any more of this CRAP. and I'm filled with despair.

Isn this all it is is a broken heart breaking over and over like a broken record?
SweetAndTalented SweetAndTalented 41-45 Sep 7, 2011

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