I Have Been Hurt Too Much I Think

Not that I am saying I have the corner on the market of emotional pain. But still I have had my share and been hurt through my siblings, a divorce I didn't want from a man I deeply loved, through dating relationships, through people at church, through a very close friend who is no longer my friend, and through other friendships. I now find that I am kind of broken. I am not as kind as I used to be and I think that even though I am trying to turn it over to God, I am finding bitterness and anger and the thing that is most disturbing...this knee jerk reaction to hurt where if I even begin to catch a sniff of rejection, I want to back away from the person. So even though my logical brain knows that hurt and let down are an inevitable part of our oh so human relationships, I am finding it increasingly harder to let others in. And sometimes it seems like those I do draw to me have no interest in knowing me anyway. Just want me around for a sounding board. I've got issues. I need to find a better, healthier way to do relationships...friendships, romance, everything. I have to face that I am doing something wrong in order to keep drawing the wrong folks to me. Not that they are all bad people, but I kind of need someone who at least has a bit of curiosity for who I am. And boy would I love someone to laugh and be silly with again. that would be so nice. why does finding that seem so incredibly difficult?
PrayerWhisperer PrayerWhisperer
46-50, F
3 Responses Aug 1, 2010

I'm sorry you are feeling so hurt and isolated, and I can completely relate to what you are saying about finding it difficult and painful to even risk experiencing more rejection and hurt by trying to get close to anyone again. <br />
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When we've been deeply hurt often enough, reaching out begins to feel as pointless as putting your burned fingers back into a open flame again and again.<br />
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I'm dealing with some deep pain, loss and betrayal in my own life and I do understand how very alone you are feeling and how unsafe.<br />
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I'm trying to focus on what I KNOW is good and positive and worthwhile in life and especially in the human race, and to do the best that I can to not dwell on all the loss, pain and disappointment of the past.<br />
Easier said than done, of course, but I'm working on it day by day.<br />
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The fact that you came here and posted your message proves that you haven't really given up and the fact that you want and miss the laughter and joy you once felt also shows that you still have hope that you can find your way back to happiness and connection, and that is half the battle.<br />
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Perhaps some baby steps toward what you want would be a good way to start. Instead of trying to find a romantic soulmate or a best friend right away, trying to find one new person you simply like and enjoy spending time talking to could be a good place to start learning to trust again.<br />
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Please don't give into despair, despite the way it sometimes can seem and feel, there are so many loving, caring and good people in the world.

Ahhh tgtg my heart goes out to you. I will say a prayer for you and your family. ((((hugs))))

I feel your pain and loneliness. I am battling to save my marriage after my husband's affair and dealing with raising a child from that affair along with my children. As a Christian, you might understand the choice I am making to fight. Most others just tell me they would get a divorce. They are not me and are not walking in my shoes. I never would have imagined myself in this place but here I am. <br />
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I'm afraid I also deal with bitterness, suspicion and anxiety as a result. My husband is usually the one who has to deal with this, but since he is the cause, he will just have to deal. I am on this site because I have to close that part of myself off from the rest of my life. I am a professional in a small community. Being open about this could damage my professional life. In this job market, I can't risk that. <br />
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I am also in serious need of laughter. I can't remember when I last had a really good time. Right now my only joys are lived vicariously through my children. I have to find my joy there until my life takes a turn (for the better I pray). <br />
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I wish you the best in your search....