"Beauty's Captive"When i was 25 my girlfriend broke up with me and i did not take it well to say the least. She broke up with me three weeks after i found that i really did love her. We were in the pool and then we were in bed after having just made love. I lay next to her beautiful naked body, holding her in my arms as she slept and suddenly i felt the sweetest love for her, she was so peaceful, so serene. I knew she was about to break up with me i heard a voice say to me, "Cherish this moment, she is about to leave you." And three weeks later she did just that. It was like a dagger was plunged into my heart. I really died that day, that was 20 years ago and i still have nightmares about her. Well soon after i began taking LSD and lots of it. I had a friend from work that was a hippie and that followed the Grateful Dead. He turned me onto LSD and i will never forget the first time i took it. I took 10 hits on the way to my first Dead show. I was really bumming about my ex girlfriend a full year later until i got to the concert and i saw the crowd and heard the music and all at once i was hooked into the energy of 15,000 people, this wave of joy and happiness, hit me like a Sunami and the biggest smile came over me that i have ever had in my life. For the next 12 hours i was the happiest that i had ever been. I continued to drop acid like skittles and of course smoke weed on a daily basis. I lived in a hippy house in Haight Ashbury in San Francisco. The thing about LSD is that it changes you forever. It opens your mind to new dimensions of reality but it also opens up secrets that you have locked away for your own protection. After a year of dropping LSD i began to totally lose my grip on reality. Old memories of sexual abuse came up that i had locked away for 22 years. I won't go into detail here, but these memories filled me with rage and fear and to protect myself my mind constructed a reality in which i was God. I tried to resist these delusions at first, but the more i tried, the stronger they got. I became very aggressive and i soon lost my job and was alienated my roommates and friends. If you have ever had a nervous breakdown you know that your entire reality is broken down, you lose all sense of your true self and become captive to your every thought, thoughts that you have no control of whatsoever. By October of 1994 i was admitted to the VA Hospital. I was completely insane, it was terrifying to feel the things i felt. I was filled with anger, sorrow rage and fear, far beyond my control. I had come to believe that i had lived the same life 6000 times and always died at the very moment that i realized this. I had false memories of lives that i had lived before. I heard demonic voices that tormented me. I thought that i could communicate with my thoughts to other people around the world. I was in the hospital for 3 months the first time and i was afraid to leave. When they told me that i had to go, i tried to commit suicide by jumping off of the Golden Gate Bridge. I would have done it but there were these German tourists that would not leave, so i waited and after 15 minutes i gave up and started walking back to the SF VA Hospital. right when i left i figured things could not get worse than this. The moment i decided to leave, these people left, my point being if there is such a thing as angels these people were it for me. Though i left the hospital i was still quite sick. I had become catatonic. I had lost the ability to distinguish my own personality from those around me. My only feeling was that of a terrible fear of every waking moment. When i moved in with my brother to an apartment i would lay in bed curled up in a ball, crying and waiting to die. I just wanted to sleep and never wake up I had thought of several different ways that i could kill myself. In one moment i saw as if it were happening me putting a gun to my head, pulling the trigger and seeing my brains splash against the wall. That was the easy part, the hard part was seeing my brother walk and feeling his pain and loss at the discovery of his dead brother. This broke me, made me feel something new, it made me feel love for my brother and i realized that knowing his love for me i could not be so selfish and hateful as to take my life from him.
I had lived with my brother for two years and then i got sick again and i was admitted for another 5 months. Within a 6 year period i had 5 breakdowns in all. During my last one in 2000 i spent a total of 8 months locked up altogether. With each passing breakdown, i got better. Though they were terrible experiences that scared the death out of me and my family, i found healing in coming completely undone. I have not been sick in 12 years now and i have to say the only reason i have the strength to write this is because through all of it, God was with me and He loved me though all of it. I wrote a book about his love called "Love Unbound" I am on several other places on the net and if you friend me i where show you where to go to find it. I have one video called "Beauty's Captive" and it is for me what it is to know the love of God. I will just share it with you now.
loveunbound67 41-45, M 0 Mar 11, 2012