I Don't Want to Call It That....... But YeahI've never said it outright, and I'm not even sure I've ever allowed myself to think it outright.
The last guy I was with... I did love him. We fought a lot - and frequently it got physical. He didn't beat me though, because I hit him back. We were both very fierce when we fought, and we always walked away with bruises, and sometimes, if I weren't careful, he'd end up with a split lip or the like.
Neither of us were comfortable enough to let other people know we were together for a long long time. I was glad we could not have it so public, and that PDA was off the table, but I think in some ways I wish he'd pushed for it.
The real abuse, I think, was after it was declared over. He called (and I'm still waiting for the next call) and tells me how much he loves me, and he wants me back. Then he starts ranting and raving about how I don't rally love him, how I never really cared about him, and threatens to kill himself. Several times he has actually tried -while I listened helplessly on the phone.
The problem is, I really do love him - not like before - not in love with him. I would feel so horrible if something were to happen to him, and even though I know he is messed up in the head, I would feel responsible - so I let him do this to me.
I'm terrified to say no to him when he calls or randomly shows up. And part of me really hates him and resents him for treating me this way, but part of me hopes that he will sober up and understand.