I Don't Want to Call It That....... But Yeah

I've never said it outright, and I'm not even sure I've ever allowed myself to think it outright.

The last guy I was with... I did love him. We fought a lot - and frequently it got physical. He didn't beat me though, because I hit him back. We were both very fierce when we fought, and we always walked away with bruises, and sometimes, if I weren't careful, he'd end up with a split lip or the like.

Neither of us were comfortable enough to let other people know we were together for a long long time. I was glad we could not have it so public, and that PDA was off the table, but I think in some ways I wish he'd pushed for it.

The real abuse, I think, was after it was declared over. He called (and I'm still waiting for the next call) and tells me how much he loves me, and he wants me back. Then he starts ranting and raving about how I don't rally love him, how I never really cared about him, and threatens to kill himself. Several times he has actually tried -while I listened helplessly on the phone.

The problem is, I really do love him - not like before - not in love with him. I would feel so horrible if something were to happen to him, and even though I know he is messed up in the head, I would feel responsible - so I let him do this to me.

I'm terrified to say no to him when he calls or randomly shows up. And part of me really hates him and resents him for treating me this way, but part of me hopes that he will sober up and understand. 
eyes eyes
31-35, F
7 Responses Dec 10, 2007

LOL<br />
<br />
that'll be the day

good, so now you can start the new year with a positive outlook on life :D

I certainly hope so... i know you can be strong ;-)

I'm getting the feeling he isn't going to call again. <br />
<br />
He always calls in December, because its both of our birthdays, and the day that was supposed to be our anniversary, all in 3 days, lol. <br />
<br />
He didn't call, so I think it might finally be over.

gotta be strong sweetie, do what's best for you and your well being. always here to listen if you need me :)

That is the conclusion I have come to recently. If he does call, I'm just not going to answer. If he leaves a message, I'm not going to call him back.

I wish it could be that way hun, but i know from experience that once somebody knows how to push your buttons they will continue to do so as long as they can. <br />
<br />
I know what it's like to love somebody who doesn't seem to do anything but hurt you. It hurts to let them go, and it seems like more than they hurt you at the time.... but if you add up all the hours they spend making you cry.... it's just dealing with it all at once instead of dragging it out for the rest of your life. <br />
<br />
*hug*<br />
<br />
Good luck