Post

Ugly

I was 15 years old when I met Pat* the first time. I wasn't blown over by his looks, or his charm. Looking back, I don't know exactly WHAT it was that attracted me to him. In truth, I suppose it was an exit strategy from my dysfunctional home. Pat* was 11 years my senior. Of course, my parents didn't know that..we lied to them about that. Thinking of the situation now.. me being only 15, him 26 only serves as one more source of disgust for him.

I was at an age where most of my friends were starting to get dates..and I really wasn't. I was new to the school, only had a couple friends at the time, and was very, painfully shy. When Pat came into the picture and started showing an interest in me, I relished the attention. As I got to know him more, I eventually fell in love with him.. (a 16 year old's interpretation of love, at least). It wasn't a whirlwind romance. There was no sweeping me off my feet.. or any sort of courting me, that I really remember. Once in a while he would say something nice, and I had learned to live for those occasional sentiments. Pat was from a deeply dysfunctional family as well..far worse than my own. I always..and still do..reason his behavior down to that.. product of his environment. This, also was an excuse I used to use, to justify his behavior.

Over the months, we grew closer. Well, I grew closer to him. I liked having 'someone'. He was intelligent..although he never really applied himself for anything good. Eventually after a year of dating, I got pregnant. I was devastated by this..terrified of how my parents would react.. about my future and if I could provide for a baby, being so young. I continued to be the dutiful girlfriend. When I'm with someone, I like to do things for them.. make them happy.. help them out. I enjoy doing those things for the person I care about.

One day while I was 2 weeks before delivering my baby..I was doing Pat's laundry. I was putting his socks away in the drawer..and there they were.. pictures of him..and my best friend..in various sexual acts. I was absolutely devastated. He wasn't home at the time, but came home a couple minutes after my discovery. I was furious..not only was I about to deliver his baby..but he was with my BEST friend. I cannot describe the betrayal I felt, from the both of them. Instead of him comforting me, or trying to explain..he started screaming at me, that I was nosey..and that was none of my ******* business. I tore those pictures up in front of him..and that was it.. he punched me in the face. He then grabbed me by the throat and screamed in my face. I was terrified. That was the first time he had ever shown that side of himself to me.

That day was the beginning. I should have left..but I was young and pregnant..due to deliver any day.. I didn't know any other way. I couldn't tell my parents, because I was afraid of their reaction..and this was also the start of another trait I hadn't seen before. Pat began blackmailing me. In my ignorance of youth..I too had reluctantly allowed him to take pictures of me...which.. became the perfect weapon against me, because any time I didn't do what he thought I should..the threat would come out that those pictures would be plastered all over town..right after he sent copies to my parents. I was afraid my dad, knowing his temper..would kill him. So, I was stuck. Couldn't leave.. couldn't tell anyone what was going on.

After that first day that he hit me..it became less and less for him to get angered to the point he would raise his hands to me. He started controlling where I went, and with who. The checks that I was earning from my job, he was confiscating..and giving me an allowance to live on of $20 a week..to which I had to buy diapers with. When I stopped wanting to be intimate with him..he took it. When I graduated high school, he moved me out of my parent's house. I say he moved me, because literally, he did. I didn't help one bit. I guess in my own way, I was hoping someone in my family would notice I wasn't doing a thing to help, and it would serve as some sort of signal I didn't want to go...but it didn't. Maybe they knew and didn't acknowledge it. My parents were very old school.. because I had a baby, they thought I should stay with him..come hell or high water. i don't know.

I became a prisoner of that house. My only excused absences from the house was to work, to the grocery store..and to the occasional doctor's appointment for the baby. I remember thinking at one point..he was either going to kill me..or I was going to kill him. It was that volatile in that house.

We lived in this crap basement apartment. It was dark and the furnace room was in our living room. He would go to bed around 8pm every night to get up for work. When he went to bed, he shut off all the lights. I wasn't allowed to have them on...because they would 'keep him awake'. The only illumination in the room was the television. Which..was virtually impossible to hear because he had turned the volume down so low..but once the furnace kicked on.. you weren't hearing anything. If I dared turn it up.. a fight ensued. Once he was in bed, I was instructed.. I was not to go out, nor was I allowed to have anyone in. There is no other word for it, other than torture, those hours in the dark, by myself.

This went on for months. One night, I decided to defy him.. my friend came over. It was snowing and raining that night..so she just wanted to check in with her mom to let her know she was at my house. This was the early 90s.. those phones with the flourescent tubes in them were popular at the time. When you dialed, the light would flicker. He saw that light go off. He screamed something from the bedroom...to which I mocked. He heard it. He came out of that bedroom..and I knew what was coming. As soon as he saw my friend..he grabbed her, and shoved her out the door. Then he went to work on me..he was punching me..as I lay on the floor. I remember looking up and seeing my little girl's face, as she heard the commotion and got out of her bed. It was a look of sheer terror. She was screaming...it was that moment, I decided I could not let my little girl see this. I would not allow her to see the same horrors that I had witnessed as a child. I was not going to let her grow up and think that this was acceptable behavior from a man.

Everything is a bit blurry after that.. I remember once he got up.. I grabbed my car keys from the counter and my daughter and bolted to the door. I started running up the alley..as he was too close behind me to get myself and her in the locked car. I ran as fast as I could up the alley..screaming "somebody help me please..he's going to kill me!!!" I believed that with every ounce of my being..that night..he was going to.

He caught up to me..well enough that he could grab me by they hair. He yanked my head back hard enough, I fell straight on my back. I somehow managed to hold on to my daughter but I dropped my keys. He scooped them up, took my house key off the keyring and then threw the keys into my face. He then struggled to take my daughter away...screaming..you'll never see her again!! I fought so hard to hold her, but he just kept punching and kicking.. during all of this, I remember looking up and seeing the tenants from the upstairs apartment in our house, looking out the window. I screamed for help. No one came. No one called the police. I was on my own. He was able to take the baby from my arms..and he ran back into the house that I no longer had keys for. I got in my car and went to the police. It was his cousin that was on duty. (small town.. not a lot of police here). He went with me up to hte house to get my daughter back..but the end result was..he wouldn't give her up and the police man refused to help me get her back. I had to leave that night without her. That was one of the hardest nights of my life, not knowing if she would be there in the morning, when I was supposed to be able to pick her up, or not.

I went back the next morning.. he had thrown all of my clothes and what few possessions he deemed mine..out into the street. Breaking just about anything that was worth anything.. when i tried to bring my daughter home..he refused. Thankfully, this time, I had an officer that said I could take her.

There are so many other things in this story, that I have left out..to try to keep this somewhat ..brief. He was abusive on every level..emotionally, physically, sexually. He had inflicted scars that I still to this day struggle with. I am happy that my little girl wasn't raised in that dangerous environment..and she has absolutely no idea of the extent of things that went on in that house. I'm just happy we both made it out, before she could remember any of it. I wish I had.
MissBehaviour MissBehaviour 36-40, F 16 Responses Mar 18, 2012

Your Response

Cancel

It is not easy to move past the pain of an abusive relationship. Abuse at the hands of a loved can leave you feeling worthless, depressed and hopeless. However, you should not allow the bullying tactics of one person to taint the rest of your life. Your abuser may have tried to convince you that you are weak, but that isn't true. You had the strength to get out of your unhealthy relationship in spite of your partner's attempts to control you. With courage and determination, you can leave this chapter of your life behind.glad you got out when you did and hope you and your daughter are doing well now and has for the low life scum that put you through this he will pay for what he did to you one day when he least expects it wishing you and your daughter nothing but happiness for the rest of your lives :)

aww thank you :) My daughter is now older and doing really well for herself..I'm very proud of her. She's a good girl. She was a real handful for a few years there, (this too was caused from actions of her father, and her own dealings with him) but she has matured now and is doin' awesome. thank you for reading and your comment.

can a person so inhumanly behave with his beloved.

I'm glad you made it out

he is such a bastard

I read this a long time ago and I remember it word for word and it still disgust me , oh I would have loved to have met him in that alley with a shovel , he'd forever be eating thru a straw .

i have to agree whole heartedly with you he may have become a missing person statistic that very night

What an incredible read. I have no words but so happy you made it out with your daughter. ..

So sorry this happened to you. I hope you have finally found some peace and happiness.

thank you AugustusMike. My situation is much better than it was.

Thank you for sharing this story. I hope if any women see themselves in this story it will help give them a wake up call. Too many women stay in these kinds of relationships until it's too late. Abusers seldom change except for the worse. I am glad you got away.

Thank you for your comment, Laser. You're right, I think it's very difficult for women to leave these relationships, partially out of fear..but also because usually the abuse doesn't stop at the fists. Abusers are very good at stripping the abused's self worth and sense of individuality away from them. When I had my child and didn't lose the baby fat overnight, I was told how disgusting I was and how no other man would want me, because of that..and if I did try to leave that he would take our daughter away from me, and I would never see her again. Those two things kept me in that volatile situation longer than it should have. I started believing those things. Ultimately, all I could focus on was not having my daughter witness those things (like I had as a child), and finding a man that would treat her the same...and her not seeing how wrong that was. I am thankful I was much younger than. I still had the courage to make big life changes without the second guessing. I'm not sure how much longer it would have taken me to get out, if presented with the same situation, as I got older. I'm pretty sure it would have been much harder to leave, as I battle with much more self doubt than I did then. So..I do kind of understand women who feel they can't leave. It just happened at an easier time in my life. For that I am thankful.

I hope that was the end

I feel sorry about you. I hope you find your happiness now.

thank you, Arrow..but I don't need people to feel sorry for me. (I mean that respectfully..not being abrasive) There are so many women out there that have had it so much tougher than I did. I was lucky enough to get out. For that, I am stronger. I feel so much pity for those who are in situations that they are unable to leave, or are too frightened to. I appreciate your thoughts though. I am in a better place now. Thank you.

I am happy to hear that.

I find it amazing the things we let others get away with in the name of love. I hope that you and your daughter have a wonderful life with, or without mr right.

I have to do a project on a abuse and I was wondering if you would allow me to share your story.

Abusers are also predators. They are able to spot "victims", they find people who are more susceptible to manipulation.

They groom their victims long before they ever openly abuse them. He saw you from a mile away because he knew you didn't see him comming.

You couldn't leave before because he had made you give up on yourself long before he ever hit you. An abuser strips a victim of their self esteem, their belief in their own decision making skills, they isolate their victims and make them dependant on them.



He had already taught you that you couldn't make it without him, he convinced you that noone else would love you, that his will outweighted your needs. What he did to you before he ever hit you was probably psychologically worse on you than the actual hitting.

Before he raped you sexually he dominated you mentally.



I am glad you left and didn't return.

I worked in a womens shelter and sadly I have to say what you did is rare.



Tell your daughter that her mother is amazing and know that everything she achieves is because you got away from that abuser and gave her all the possibilties a healthy childhood offers.

Thank you so much for having the courage to post your story, please know that in doing so you are helping many young women who may recognize themselves in your story.

I am very sorry that you had to live through this hellish experience but am extremely happy that you and your little girl were able to escape. Bless your heart.

I think it is worth mentioning and highlighting one very real truth about domestic abuse which is.... if he( or she to be fair) hits you once he will hit you again and again and again until you either ESCAPE or DIE.

Aww thank you for your kind words. You are absolutely right..once someone raises their hands to you..it will happen again. I have always wished there was something I could do to help women in abusive situations like I was. For me, growing up in an abusive home..and being determined that I did not want to have my child grow up to see the things I had, was my motivation to leave..but it took a lot. I was scared to death, and he harassed and terrorized me for years after I left..but it only made me more determined that my daughter couldn't be in that environment. It wasn't easy, that's for sure. I wish I could help others who are scared to leave. thank you again for your kind words.

when you said that it was "easier for him" to be physically abusive; that is SO true; the first time is exhilarating for the abuser; then WHEN they do it again; I think they do it all the more to "get the high" like the first time...imho.

what a sad story but thank goodness you and your daughter made it out. i wish the both of you nothing but the best :)

thank you Jerrica. We are so much better off now.. we have moved on and everything turned out for the better. I still have some issues though..but I'm stronger for having went through that and getting out.. so it isn't all bad :)

Taking the time to find yourself, heal from abuse and learning to dream again is the "road" I took after an abusive relationship. I write about it on my blog; newsong4him.blogspot.com; even after having abuse in our lives we can learn to "sing a new song"...I have and I know that you will find that path for yourself and daughter as well...hugs.

what a sad story but thank goodness you and your daughter made it out. i wish the both of you nothing but the best :)