Can It Ever Get Better?

I ask myself this so many times. I love my boyfriend so much, we're engaged and all that, but he just can't control himself some times. It started off small, he's shove me over and ignore me when he got upset with me, he would try to hold me down and shut me up when I yelled at him... while he lived with his mother he once turned and I thought he was going to come at me so I stuck my foot out as a warning and he nearly tore my foot off.

Then when he got his own place things got so much worse. He would drag me by various body parts if I wouldn't go where he wanted, he would scream at me as I cried on the floor, he would throw me onto the bed whenever I tried to leave the room, he'd pin me down and put his hands over my mouth to keep the noise down. After about a month of that I stood up for myself, I began to fight back but it only made things worse. My scratching (defensively) set him off and made him feel justified for hurting me because I scarred him for weeks where as he never actually left a mark where anyone could see. Once it escalated to where our neighbours called the police for fear of my safety and I actually lied to their faces, I defended him. Ever since then (6 months now) he uses the police against me, that he'll call them on me since he knows I don't like them.

Just the other week we were fighting because he has been unemployed for a while and I couldn't handle anymore payments for my own bills. He had said he'd drag me over to where he wanted me to sit so I kicked my leg out in his direction as a threat to not touch me, he claims I kicked him which is why he kicked into the side of my knee at full force (he was standing, I was sitting)... I was in so much pain and all he could do is say "You shouldn't have kicked me." "I hope you learned your lesson". He wouldn't accept the fact that I never touched him where he put me in a great deal of pain.

Every time he does it he claims he is sorry either immediately afterwards or a couple hours later. He'll cry and try to hurt himself because he feels guilty. He insists he is trying to control his anger better but I don't see enough progress yet. Things aren't like they used to be where I would sometimes fear he'd choke me to death but they are bad enough that I am scared of him when he is mad.

I never thought I'd be in a spot like this, growing up I always thought that this kind of thing only happens to stupid girls, ones who are only with the guy for money or drugs. I thought that if a guy got out of line with me I'd be able to end it and walk away a better person. I did that in 2 verbally abusive relationships with short term boyfriends (in 3 months). But we have been together for over 3 years now.
Jupiterfalling Jupiterfalling
18-21, F
1 Response May 6, 2012

To answer your initial question: NO it will not get better. Not until you leave him. I was in the same situation..twice. One for 3 years the other for 2 years. I began to think it was me. I know it's easier said than done to leave but you have to. If you have family that will help (as hard as it is to tell them) if they love you they will help to support you. You'd be surprise how people step up in the time of need. My mom helped me to move to another state to get away from my abuser. The true friends will understand you did not push them out of their life cuz you wanted to but you because of the situation. I have noticed a trend with abusers, they say sorry right after, blame you, or try to hurt themselves to act like they are sorry. Don't be a statistic that ends up leaving this earth by his hands. You will see that once you leave you will feel so much happier & safer. Don't get me wrong, it is hard to leave & in a sick way you miss them & it's like going through a bad breakup, even though they are horrible for hurting you & causing physical pain. But, when time passes & you can heal you will never ever want to go back to that fear. Then, when you start to date "normal" guys you will see how great it is to have someone that shows their love in the real way & make you feel safe. You have to leave!!!! Be strong!!!