But Haven't We All

That is what he would say.  Everyone is a little abusive.  Everyone fights and comon....ya know people loose control say things they don't mean. 

Haven't you ever said something you regret.  Are you telling me that you don't make mistakes. 

Those are some remarks I have heard in regards to abuse.  He would try to play down the fact that he was emotionally raping me on a daily basis.  I don't know if you have ever felt the cutting sting of silence.  I don't know if you have ever felt the total void of compassion.  Those don't take words.  Lack of them actually at times was worse for me.  I couldn't blame him for saying something to hurt my feelings.  My feelings weren't important enough to bother to say something to hurt them with.  Silence and ignoring worked much better. 

I lived for years looking for some form of emotional validation from him.  It started out soooooo perfect.  I put him up on a pedestal and was so lost in the idea of his love.  The fact he was never able to give it was a constant struggle.  Constantly blaming myself for not being good enough.  Always trying to fix the pain or store it for the sake of the children.  Don't let them hurt.  That was my goal.  You are strong you can take it. 

I did for so long.  It has left such deep wounds.  The ones that don't heal and constantly are reopened.  The one's you can't avoid......they just flash up on you.  Do you avoid seeing yourself in a passing mirror?  I do..........can't look in those yet.  That person is not who I am .....just what I am for now.  The injured shell......extrior cracked and needing some sealant. 

I sit here trying to move on but constantly brought back to the uncomfortable place.  I don't want to be here anymore yet I am not sure how to change it.
flodials flodials
41-45, F
2 Responses May 8, 2012

The worst thing I ever did was tell him how much him ignoring me hurt...from that day on that was his go to when he wanted to hurt me.

hard to fight the silence. The waiting for him to return. Abandonment emotionally and never really there in the first place for you.

I totally get what you are saying... the silence was worse... the constant guilt and blaming myself for not being good enough... but I am good enough... and so are you, and you will get past this ...