Can It Get Any Worse?

Well Im a much different  person now then I was back when I was young and stupid. As many people put it! Or labled me. I had my first child when I was 15 years old. I dont regret that what so ever, he is the love and pride and joy of my life!! Hes gonna be 15 this winter!! And thriving at his  goals! Altho he makes life a lil hard on me sometimes, but thats what kids do nowa days to moms and dads all over the world. His dad and I were never really a couple...we had spent some weekends together...but nothing for a commitment!! I found out I was expecting a child...and I wanted to RUN ...RUN FAR AWAY!! However....I had made a descion on staying at home with my mom. My mom was gonna FLIP HER F@CKING LID with me. I was her only daughter, and she wanted what was best for me( FINNISHING SCHOOL FIRST)
Well things didnt go as bad as I thought...SURPRISE SURPRISE!! MOM was more then understanding to me. She helped me move on with school, and I got the education that I needed at that young age..I was like I said only 15 years old....with NO EXPERIENCE..but that didnt matter..I wanted to do well for my child, I wanted to learn everything there was to learn about being a MOM, and having to take care of a child!! I went to all the parenting classes they had to offer...I listened to the elders, and I even read all the books, altho..all the reading and listening never warned me about the man in my life....
When my son was just ...18 months old ( 1 1/2)  I met this guy....he was just a year older then I was...I was now 16 years old, and he was 17...we got along great, and we moved intogether after "Hanging out" for 8  months. My baby was just turning 2 when we all moved in together. Things were great...we did the whole "Family" thing for years...then I was expecting my 2nd child at the age of 20. Well things were ok....until I was in my 7th month of pregnancy, when we went to a wedding social, and he got "DRINKING" with his buddy's....well I wasnt in the mood to stick around and party all night long!! I was expecting...I was also very tired and my feet hurt like SIN by the end of the night. I had danced a few times with a few old friends I hadnt seen in awhile. I kissed the bride and groom ( My Cuzzins ) Anyways....I wanted to go home by 2:30 or so from the party, hense the reason I was saying good bye to everyone at the party, weither they remebered or not....since they were all hammered!!
I finally got him in the only took 30 more mins to get him in the car, even with a beer...after I said NO BOOZE in the car, he still insisted!! Well I still had to focus on the drive home which was still another 35 mins away..or more if I didnt know how to go the back way, I would have went on the hiway ...but he said he'd stay awake and tell me where to turn !!
Well I remembered the way back...I didnt say much to him on the way, since he was blubbering on and on about how i was making a fool outta myself for dancing while i was expecting. I said there was nothing wrong with wasnt like i was doing god damm jumping jacks or belly dances..and with that he smacked me!!! RIGHT IN THE FACE!! MY eyes started to burr with tears, cause it ****** HURT!! I had never been hit before!! NEVER BY MY BF!!  I blinked and blinked as hard as I could, and I had no  clue what I was suppose to do next!!
I continued to drive home, and he continued to hit me in the face....I said please stop that, I am driving and cant see....he didnt!!
WELL FINALLY we got home, and he beat the ever loving **** outta me...held my head under the cold tap while running water!!! Telling me I didnt deserve his child since I was a ******* *****!!! OMG!! I Didnt even know I had done anything wrong!!!  I finally got away from the tap, and by this time I WAS LIVID!! I WAS TOTALLY PISSED OFF at this point!! HOW ****** DARE HE DO THAT TO ME!!! So I grabbed the broom!! AND I HIT HIM back , it was my only defense !! I couldnt fight, I didnt know how!!! IT all happened to fast...but he managed to get the broom away from me, and then he pinned me to the bed, and sat on me. I WAS WITH CHILD!!! BUT it didnt matter to him, I begged  and begged him to get off me......well he finally did, and i laid still. I didnt move for about 15 mins, and he fell asleep, or passed out.
I was so scared, I had no idea what to do next. I didnt want to end up like alone with 2 kids, so I didnt do anything!! I didnt tell anyone, I stayed !! MY OWN FAULT ( NOW I KNOW )
I had my second child in 97. And in a year we moved to the town which was closer to my moms! I had more people around that knew me, and I didnt feel so alone...the year before that ( 97-98) I stayed at home all the time, taking care of the boys, while he went out visiting, and doing his thing, comming home all hours of the night , smelling like booze!!We'd get into fights, he once pulled a rifle on me and the kids and shot towards the house we were living in...scared the ever loving **** outta me...but i stayed  for the  Same ole stories same old bullshit. 
My first son took a shine to this man!!! I was feeling lost I didnt know what eles there was that I could do, I knew I didnt want to move home!!
So the first few months of being back close to my parents were good!! WE had so much to do all the time, and we always had a place to go !! ( boys and i ) cause he wasnt always around. He had gotten a job now!! LOL with his aunt and uncle on the lake! Well one day was pay day, and I wanted, or needed him to pick up milk, but he says to me, oh ...I only got " two tires, and a pack of smokes this pay day"  I WAS STUMMMMPPED!! I was like WTF?? I said omg what the hell are u working for? 3 bucks a day?? HE HAD worked well over 120 hours being on the lake......WELL WHATEVER I SAID, and he got up and smacked me! And so I told him , he and his family  were NOTHING BUT ********!!! THEY took advantage of his good nature to work!! And he could do much more for alot more then 3 bucks a ******* DAY!!  Which was what it worked out to be!!
Anywayz...he told his family what i had said, and they no longer picked him up for work...they stopped comming over to out place, and I wasnt allowed in their homes either, but he was more then welcome to bring our son!! I said NO WAY to that, cause it was UNFAIR!! HOW could they just ignore my other child all of a sudden, when they had welcomed him with open arms when we first got together? Well!!!
He got another job, @ a skating rink.....he would be gone for HOURS!! Im not kidding HOURS at a time..and really how long does it really take to spray the ice once its already made???? WHATEVER!! Or to sweep or  mop a area about ...oh 10 x 12? Doesnt take a brainiac to do the math here??!!!!
Well I also at the time was acused of dating this guy i grew up with!! I had known him for  like 15 years!! HIS WIFE AND I were BEST FRIENDS!! THEY had 3 of their own kids!!! WELL WhATEVER i wasnt putting up with that ****!! I confronted him on that, and things got heated, and he left.....he went to work, well i got some news that was rather shocking in my case...he was cheating !! I then found out that I was expecting another child..( July 2001 ) Well I wasnt gonna put up with that bullshit anymore, i had enough!! I kicked his sorry *** out! We couldnt get along even after another try at it! I took him back 3 days after kicking him out, but then realized what I was doing...this wasnt right, the lies, the beatings, the bullshit he started with my friends, my kids!! I couldnt do it anymore...I had to give up !! He wasnt gonna change, the more time we spent away from each other the better it was !! I no longer felt the need to speak to him other then the fact that we had children together!! It wasnt until after I had my daughter that I spoke to him once more before realizing HE was not what I was wanting outta life!!
I soon moved to the city...with my 3 children under my wings, and met a man....we are now married, and have a 2 year old daughter.
He is good with the other children...he treats us well!! one is perfect, but we make it work!! 
SO u ask me why did I stay for so long in a bad realtionship and put my children through that kinda life...well I live with the guilt of that every day, knowing I could have changed things along time ago .

shy30 shy30
26-30, F
7 Responses May 7, 2007

People often women remain in an abusive household for a variety of reasons: economic, parental (to protect the children), and psychological. But the ob<x>jective obstacles facing the battered spouse cannot be overstated. The abuser treats his spouse as an ob<x>ject, an extension of himself, devoid of a separate existence and deviod of distinct needs. Thus, typically, the couple's assets are on his name from real estate to medical insurance policies. The victim has no family or friends because her abusive partner or husband frowns on her interaction with "outsiders" or people who pose a threat to his control over the victim. Gradually, she is convinced to put up with her spouse's cruelty in order to avoid this harrowing predicament. But there is more to an abusive dyad than mere pecuniary convenience. The abuser stealthily but unfailingly exploits the vulnerabilities in the psychological makeup of the victim. The abused party may have low self-esteem, a fluctuating sense of self-worth, primitive defence mechanisms, or phobias. There is no universally-applicable profile of the "typical abuser". Yet, abusive behaviour often indicates serious underlying psychopathologies. Absent empathy, the abuser perceives the abused spouse only dimly and partly, as one would an inanimate source of frustration. The abuser, in his mind, interacts only with himself and with "introjects". Or representations of outside ob<x>jects, such as his victims.<br />
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Additionally abusers groom victims long before they engage in overt domination and physical violence.<br />
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They exert what is called Undue Influence = UI long before they physically abuse a victim.<br />
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Undue Influence involves the exertion of power and subversive coercion to exploit the trust, dependency, and fear of victims in order to manipulate their decision making. Although UI victimization can occur at any age, many victims of UI are citizens who suffer vulnerabilities due to their age, social isolation, and life circumstances. There are seven commonalities observed between UI, domestic violence, stalking, and sexual assault: (1) the victim and exploiter are involved in an ongoing relationship; (2) exploiters target and groom their victims; (3) exploiters tend to use deceptive tactics to unduly influence and financially exploit their victims; (4) exploiters are typically charming manipulators; (5) exploiters make many justifications for their actions; (6) victims may appear as willing participants in activities that may work against their best interest; and (7) victims often have trauma reactions. <br />
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Victims are not responsible for the abusers behaviors. Just because you stayed didn't give him a right to abuse you.<br />
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You stayed because you did not believe you could get away. You were trained and groomed dare I say brainwashed into believing you had no choice.<br />
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You got out and that is what is important.<br />
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You did a great thing.

I hope you and your kids are doing a lot better now! I understand how it seems scarier to be alone than to stay even with an abuser but we're a lot better off without them! Kudos to you!


First of all, none of it was your fault. Secondly when I hear i woman say it's my fault for staying, it's like saying you deserved what you got. This is one of the reasons why women are afraid to speak out. They feel ashamed when there's NO NEED TO! Abusers have a way of making you feel it's all your fault, it's a mind ****. My ex use to tell me that I'm the only girl he beat up ever and that I deserved it. This wasn't true at all, his family members told me that he beat his other GF for a very long time. You deserve nothing but the best! Remember that always.

Women stay for their own reasons. You would need to search your soul to figure that out. But don't put any blame on yourself. HE was the abuser, YOU were the victim-there is no blaming ourselves here. We don't want to mess up the rest of our lives by blaming ourselves. You are definitely a a strong woman to go through what you did and come out on top. You rock girl!!!! Don't put yourself through the guilt trip and lose more years to him. That means he still has power over you. Look we are all human we do things with the most understanding we can at the time. You are in a safe happy place now just concentrate on that and leave it behind you. If you dwell on it it will make you either unhappy, neurotic or crazy. Just be proud of yourself for getting out and getting your life settled down for your kids. Kids are very forgiving. I bet they have forgotten all about it. <br />
Take care of yourself and have a great life and don't stop dancing. <br />

OMG strong woman just like me are the ****! I'm 3.5 months pregnant and found out yesterday he was cheating. Unforgivable to me. I cried to my mama saying now my baby won't have a daddy, and she looked at me and said a daddy isn't the ***** donor but the one who will come along and love you both. Thank God for my mama! And I am so glad that you are happy now sweetie!

Wow, you have amazing strength to survive all that and still come out fighting. But please don't say any of it was your fault! The going back to the abusive partner is a part of the abuse, not the cause of it. Be proud of yourself! You are amazing.