Yes And I'm Finally Admitting It!

I've been with my partner just over 3 years and we have a 3 year old beautiful daughter. The abuse started not long after we had our daughter. I didn't know him that long before I found out i was pregnant. If i'd known what i know now about him i would have ran to the hills/mountains! I was a strong independent women back then. He seemed so pleased that i was pregnant and told me he would look after us and be a good dad etc etc. He can be a caring, loving, funny man/dad when he has not been drinking but when he has had a few he can just turn so disgusting. Sometimes when he has had more than a few glasses of wine he turns into Jeykle and hyde. About a year ago things got really bad and I found that he had been with a prostitute and also had been having a relationship/fling/one night (i still don't know the whole truth) with one of his good friends partners. My friends also came forward and told me he had tried it on with them so god knows what else has happened. He becomes sporadically verbally, emotionally and physically abusive at times. I always know when he is going to turn and do my best to try and keep everything calm for my daughter. It is so hard! He has hit me on several occasions and i've called the police.

The first time an AVO was issued my friend helped me moved into a safe house. I was strong and managed to find rental accommodation for my daughter and I. Looking back i'm amazed at how i juggled work, looking after my daughter, keeping her grounded, happy and safe etc and packed up everything by myself and moved us out. It was so hard as it was 4 days before christmas last year. We ended up spending christmas eve/day with my partners sister for the sake of our daughter and somehow over this short period he managed to win me back and promised everything would be different, he would change etc etc etc. I wanted so much to believe in him. The crunch came when we returned to the house after Xmas that i'd moved into and found out that it had been infected with fleas. There was no way that my daughter and i could stay in the house and he helped us moved back into our old house. Winning me over again, with the bravado of being the hero he promised me everything would be different! My best friends wouldn't (and still don't) speak with me because I went back with him which is and is so terribly hurtful but I can understand why they feel this way.

I plodded along with everything. Feeling lonely, isolated and vulnerable I really should've have gone to counselling after everything i'd been through. I was still working 3 days at this point and just couldn't find the time to do this which was big mistake. I then got made redundant from my job (which i'd had for 6 years and was my safety net). I decided that a trip back to Europe to see my family was a good idea. However, my insecurities came out about his prior cheating and not long before i was due to travel we had an argument about this and he hit me in the face. I called the police and he was arrested. The guilt and pain was just unbearable. I went back to the UK and told nobody about what had happened until he started calling me and being abusive and blaming me. Whilst I was away he attended counselling, which did seem to help. The psychologists report said that he has a narcissistic personality disorder (which i'd been thinking for a while). I had to attend court the day after I got back from Europe and the magistrate was not lenient and second time he was charged with common assault. Again he was regretful but has since brought this up many times in arguments and blamed me for what happened. He hasn't bothered with counselling again. We have been living together ever since and his boiling pot/melt down is always with me.....when will it happen next!? I've learned to try and deal with his horrible temper and mood swings and the way he is so that i can protect myself and my daughter. I pretend that everything is ok with us to everyone but deep down i think he is an absolute nutcase that needs help. He doesn't deserve me or my daughter. I'm just about at the end of my tether with him but financially it's hard to leave. Tonight he called me "dumb" repeatedly in front of our daughter. He was so drunk and talking so much abusive crap. I was so relieved when he went to bed. Hence,why i'm now writing this. I can't talk to anyone about how i feel. It's so hard to open up. I am going to seek counselling to try and make sense of this all. I'm a good mum to my daughter and highly regard being honest, loving and caring as my values in life and will not let him take these important things away from me.

jasmine678 jasmine678
Dec 2, 2012